The Battle of the Mind

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you totally poured out your guts- all the bad and ugly things you’ve been wrestling with- and you received a response that sent you spiraling? Or that hurt you? That made you feel pathetic? Or maybe empty?

I bet we could all say we’ve had a conversation that was some variation of that. We exposed our soul- the fears, the pain, the weaknesses- and we felt misunderstood or judged or just unsatisfied. When I think back to those conversations with people, I can see that I was earnestly seeking affirmation and wisdom from the source that isn’t meant to fully satisfy.

Goodness, I thought my last post was vulnerable. I guess Jesus is continually going to call me to go to the hard places in my writing because, well, that’s what He calls us to in life so often. I am writing this, not for catharsis or confession, but for anyone who can relate and may also need to hear this.

I wrestle with anxiety. I hate, hate, hate admitting that because I have a deep fear of showing weakness- of showing to anyone that I’m not always in control. And I can fear that my Christian and non-Christian friends alike will change their view of me if they know how much I have to fight the spiraling.

The truth is, there are moments where I can become so afraid that I am one second away from losing my grip on reality as I feel this tug to just sit in my fears all day and night. I will have a random passing negative thought, and then I can’t let go of it. I will guilt myself over and over for having the thought. I try to examine it over and over and figure out the “cause” of it (hello...being in a broken world?!). I tell myself, If I know the cause, then I will feel at peace and can get on with living my imagined “perfect” life- a life where I never sin or struggle, and where I feel nothing but clarity of thinking and positive emotions all day. Forever. Oh wait...that sounds like somewhere I’ve read about...

Phew. That was honestly so scary for me to write. Because I have tried to explain the thought-spiraling to others before, and I have gotten different responses: a sudden, very concerned look on their face. A quick response that makes me feel like I have just been categorized as “that” kind of person in their mind now. Or an offering of a fix- a good therapist, a meditation app, a good supplement to try.

Now, there are so many ways we can fight the battles of our minds on an external level- whether we are struggling with depression, anxiety, discontentment, etc.- that can help. And I will be the first to say that I went to counseling in college, and that decision is one I still celebrate over and over. My sweet Christian counselor filled my mind and heart with so much of Jesus’ Truth and helped me navigate my poor relationship choices and my fears of a future without my dear twin by my side (as she was getting married). So I am not saying external things can’t help, and I am not speaking into anything clinical.

So what am I saying? What is this blog post about? Our innermost thoughts. Our fears, our anxieties, our wrestling. The random ones, the habitual ones. What do we do with those? Because they so often drag me down. A thought flashes through my mind while I am playing with my kids, or while I’m driving to school. Or when I first wake up. Or when I am getting ready for bed. And all of a sudden, my feelings are all surrendering to this random thought. This musing.

“I wonder if I drove off the road right now, what would happen? Would I be okay? Maybe I wouldn’t have to go to work today…” (True story... that was a flash of a thought I had). But instead of just being like, “Hmm that was a weird thought”, and moving on, I can fixate and fixate and wonder what is wrong with me. A second ago, I was perfectly happy and ready for a good day, but now I’m wondering if I have a death wish or don’t love my job.

Can you relate to any of that? Because I will say, not everyone can. My incredible husband, JB- he can’t. Not in the same way. He is my safe person who I can tell absolutely anything to. And he has told me time and time again, we are not our thoughts (or our sins, for that matter). We all have random flashes of thoughts that come and go through our minds; I just tend to hold onto them and analyze...and then overanalyze.

In fact, I do it in many areas of my life. I over-analyze conversations with friends or bosses. I over-analyze what I said or did in my teaching day. I am a deep thinker and feeler, and I have extremely high expectations of myself. Put all that together, and it can lead to some thought struggles.

I just had the most amazing conversation with my dear twin, Rachel. We both just poured our hearts out to one another. She’s the kind of person I can tell all my junk to. I can tell her when I am struggling with one of those irrational fears or thoughts- like when I’m not feeling all rosy while I read with my kids after a long day, and then I’m suddenly worried I don’t love them. I can share anything with her (and JB) and never, ever feel judged or worry that they are going to jump to conclusions and try to “fix me”. I am loved and heard, and then pointed to the Truth. We all need that in our relationships.

But the Truth- THAT is what we need more than anything. Rachel reminded me of so many things Jesus has been whispering to me in His Word when I condemn myself. We all struggle in this world. We are all sinful, and we are all broken. We have broken minds, broken bodies. It comes with the whole being-a-human gig. And instead of beating myself up for that, isolating myself and believing lies, Jesus longs for me to come to Him. Come to His Truth. Come to His words of love and acceptance that are all over the Bible- all over His life.

All over His death.

I can get so obsessed with asking questions. “What is wrong with me? Where did this come from? What would anyone think if they found this out?”.  But instead of focusing on the root, on the cause...on how I can “fix myself” so I am all pretty, inside and out, and no one will ever have to worry about me or judge me, Jesus tells me to fix my eyes on Him. On His perfection- not mine.

The truth is, we are all passengers on the struggle bus of life. God put us in these specific bodies with these unique minds and emotions. As I’ve heard said, our souls are forever learning to live in our bodies. This is the body and mind Jesus has given me.

As I fix my eyes on Jesus- on His love and acceptance for me shown through His death on the cross- it’s not about me anymore. That’s the thing with my anxious spiraling...it is so much about me. Me, me, me. “What is wrong with me? How can I fix this?”. And let’s be honest, the world (which I constantly want to follow) consistently promotes focus on the self. Self-love. Self-care. Self-esteem. I applaud all three of those things. But they are not the answer.

Our first photo as a family of four, back in June!
It makes me smile every time. :)

Self-love. Knowing my personality, the high moral standards I place on myself, and my sensitivities and self-awareness, I struggle with loving and accepting myself. I see all the junk in my heart, and I don’t feel many positive things. There is a lot of natural self-condemnation. Self-care. I’m pretty good at taking care of myself...until I’ve had a tough day and don’t feel like eating well or sleeping enough. And self-esteem gets all wrapped up in those things as well.

Again, you might read all of that and feel very concerned for me. That’s why it’s so scary for me to share all of this. Because I have shared those things and gotten the concerned looks. But I am very in touch with my emotions and am bearing the depths of my soul to you, and I believe that deep down, everyone feels at least a twinge of each of these things. 

So what is the solution when I am spiraling over a thought or an action (for example, “mom guilt” definitely hit hard when we had Emma….side tangent: anxiety became a whole new battle when I became a parent. My kid fell off the bed. Why would I leave them on the bed when I know they just learned how to roll? How could I do that? Did I want them to fall off?? Do I even love them?! ….fun thoughts lol!!)? Well, the battle is in my mind, so let’s start with the mind. I need to get my thoughts out of the depths by lifting them up to Jesus. I need to share them with Jesus- pray in my head, pray out loud, write them down- something. And then I need to go to His Word.

I started making different notes on my phone for different topics. One is for spiraling/fear of the future. One is for relationship dynamics. One is for marriage. I keep adding new topics, and then I gather verses and come back to them when I am in the midst of struggling with something in those areas.

I need to saturate my mind in the Word. A devotional I read on the Bible app this week referred to it as “digging Truth trenches”. I absolutely love that! Here are the steps the author, a pastor, outlines:

1. Remove the lie and replace it with the Truth. Satan loves to use lies as a weapon, especially lies that come from within our minds...because they feel so believable!

2. Create new trenches of Truth. Dig deep into those trenches and fill them with Scripture. Pray and sing Truth over yourself.

3. Reframe your perspective. This is a big one, too, and I know we will never do this perfectly. But my big reframing question for myself: What if my struggle isn’t separate from God? What if it is something He allowed, and He is in? More on that in a moment!

4. Praise Him for who He is and what He will do through this.

It’s not a step-by-step, easy-peesy process. And I will probably struggle with different anxious thoughts for years to come. But I love having a few key actions in my mind (being the list-lover I am) as I walk through these internal struggles.

So, back to the allowance of struggle. Again, no theologian here. But I do believe that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. And I do believe that He allows suffering to happen in our lives. There is suffering and struggle in every heart and mind. And I believe that He can use all things for His good. He works all things for good for those who love Him. Do we always see it that way? Do we always let Him use all things, even suffering, in that way? Phew, that’s hard to ask. But worth asking. He can use my mental or emotional struggles. The self-condemnation, the anxiety. He is right there with me, holding my hand, hugging me, drawing me closer to Him. Through those struggles, He gives me a deeper thirst for His Word and for Heaven. He gives me a story to share, words to write, listening ears for a friend or a student who feels the same.

I’m coming to realize more and more that my life is not determined by my feelings- my best ones, or my worst ones. It is not determined by my thoughts- my best ones, or my worst ones. Life is not a performance- not for others, and certainly not for the God of the universe who literally knows my every thought and action and still loves me.

So what if I accepted my need for Him, especially in my battle of the mind? Instead of getting frustrated with myself for worrying about my kids’ futures or guilting myself for a random thought, what if I pressed into Jesus and asked Him to show my weary heart once again that I have all the love and acceptance and grace I could ever need? And what if I believed and trusted that I could still minister to others, even when I am working through things? What if I turned what Satan meant for evil and harm into something praise-worthy and glorifying to God?

Jesus can help us turn anything on its head, reframing and reshaping it. An internal struggle becomes an encouraging, relatable word. A stressful drive to work in winter weather becomes an opportunity to feel God’s hand of safety and protection over me. A migraine while I am home alone with my little kids for the night becomes an opportunity to ask for help, and to get to see the love of Jesus through my sweet toddler and her nurturing heart. Those are just a few moments from this past week where I have felt God turning things on their head. Will you let Him do that, and not give Satan the victory?

I’m sort of a mess sometimes. Sometimes, it’s more than sometimes, and I don’t want to admit that. But I think I’m probably not alone in that. So even if you can’t relate very well to this post because your mind and emotions are made in a beautifully-different way- we all still need that Truth, time and time again. We are loved and accepted by the One who literally knows every single thing about us...and He does allow hard things into our lives and minds. That can be extremely hard to face, especially when in the depths. But He is here. That is reality. He is the light in the darkness, the embodiment of hope and grace.

So whatever you are facing today, know you are not alone. You are fully known, and you are accepted. You are held, and you are cherished. 

I'll leave you with lyrics from one of Rachel's songs (she's a beautiful singer-songwriter), Truth and Dare:

Truth: You know all of my thoughts.

Truth: Love conquers all my fears.

Truth: Your light is brighter than darkness, And Your goodness and Truth persevere.

Dare, my soul to give Him your cares. Dare, dear one, to call Him Abba, Father. Dare to know that even in the pit, He will see you through this. Dare to believe it. He's teaching you, my dear, to give Him your fears. To know His love is real, despite how you feel. Dare to believe the Truth- That God really does love you. Truth and Dare... Jesus loves you.

Mirrors and Jars

 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Have you ever read that verse and sort of rolled your eyes?? Okay, maybe you didn’t do the full out roll, but even just now maybe you read that verse and thought, “Okay cool, but I’m still not where I want to be.”

This post is all about our imperfections and our humanity, especially views of our physical appearance. It’s crazy how it’s all connected, though, isn’t it? 

Read that verse again….

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Crazy question...What if we actually believed this? And I mean for more than just a flash of a second?

What if I actually internalized and accepted and lived life, believing I am Jesus’ treasure, His creation whom He loves? That He made me and every part of me on purpose? 

It’s interesting to think about. A little off-putting for me. There are things about myself that frustrate me, that can get me down, especially on the topic of body image. But Jesus looks at me and calls me beautiful, cherished, His.  

I think the desire to be beautiful isn’t simply a product of airbrushed models and social media; we are born with this hope and dream to be beautiful- to be chosen. Like Cinderella, I totally hoped that the moment I walked into any room, a perfectly handsome guy would see me and think, “There is the love of my life.” I got extra dolled up for school every morning starting in high school. I truly couldn’t bear the idea of leaving the house without foundation, eyeliner, and mascara. I totally agonized whenever I gained a single pound (which is laughable now, but also not too far from home sometimes!!). 

I would definitely say a lot of my view of myself was defined by how I felt about my appearance. Feelings- the tricky things….they’re rarely reliable. And often straight up untrue. 

Have you ever had these thoughts run through your mind when you look in the mirror? 

“How could anyone be attracted to this?”

“What happened to me?! The good days are gone…”

“Where did that zit come from?!”

“This shirt will never fit the same….”

“Who am I now?”

Having two babies in 19 months is a wild ride. Just having one baby is wild, and it really is amazing what God created women’s bodies to do. It’s also a whole process of redefining beauty. 

And that’s what I’m striving to do every time I look in the mirror and have a negative thought- redefine my thoughts of myself. But not just take them and make them something positive and empowering...I need something deeper. I need to know and tell myself what my Father and Creator says about me. That is where I find the definition of beauty. 

So what does God say about me? JB and I just watched the movie “Overcomer” this week for the first time, and it was SO good. So powerful, and just a beautiful reminder that our identity is in Christ. In the movie, a mentor encourages her mentee to read the first two chapters in Ephesians and highlight every single thing that God says about her. It was SO beautiful! He says we are chosen, precious in His sight. Beautiful!

It just got me thinking….God created us and said we were “good”. We are made in His image. We are made to be a reflection of Him. Our beauty shines through in many more significant ways than "thigh gaps" (what a weird term haha. And yet, that’s something I’ve coveted ever since I learned about it) and flawless complexions or perfectly-toned arms.

We are given the great privilege of reflecting part of Jesus’ very being to others in our own imperfect ways. My hands aren’t made to look perfectly youthful forever so they can show off sparkly diamonds all over social media. They’re made to rub sick backs, to do dishes, make music, to braid curly toddler hair. My skin isn’t meant to be wrinkle-free until I die. I’m trying to embrace the laughing lines and creases and remind myself that I have lived such a full life. 

It’s tough, this aging and postpartum business. I can 100% look at old pictures and go into this deep pit of despair over how different by body and face look. I can look in the mirror and think, “Why didn’t I take advantage of my youth when I had it?” First of all, what does that even mean?? I don't even know. Also, I know for a fact some of you are going to laugh or even scoff at that question. “Yeah Ruth, being 27 is SO hard.” And you know what? You’re right!! It’s totally something to laugh about. I’m not even thirty! I am so blessed to still have a young(ish), strong, healthy body. I can still do things and not be sore for days. I have yet to throw out my back or anything like that. I know and celebrate all of that. But I think we all tend to mourn the younger versions of ourselves the older we get; some people in their 70’s may long for their 40’s or 50’s again. I think we all miss being teenagers and being able to eat whatever we want. All I know is the data and experience I have from my life, and it sure is hard to compare yourself to early 20’s, pre-baby self. 

An interesting thought popped in my head the other day: 

What if we spent our entire lives without looking in a single mirror? What if all we saw of ourselves were glimpses through a beautiful lake, or the reflection through a fun, shiny ornament? Even sweeter to think about- what if we only saw the beauty that was reflected back to us from the love we shared with someone else? 

You know what I mean?

Have you ever looked at someone and just felt beautiful? You could see it in their eyes- nothing but love and joy. A complete glow. It makes you smile just thinking about those moments, doesn’t it? Whether it’s the look of pride from a parent after you took a leap of faith, or that unforgettable moment frozen in time where you were staring at your spouse as you became husband and wife, those moments give us a glimpse of love and beauty. 

And those moments point us to Jesus. He looks at us with that love, and then multiplied by infinity. He sees us and says what He made is “good”- that we are beautiful and right. Because we are His workmanship, His prize, His creation. 

We were given bodies to live in and take care of in this life. I’ve been given so many gifts! Eyes to see my kids and husband with, ears to hear the music I’m playing, feet to keep me up as I teach, knees to crawl around on the floor with my kids with, arms to help carry things for others with. Such gifts. 

Our “gifts” are just that- things God freely gives to us. And we are to share them with others. But they’re all ultimately His. 

So when I view myself and my body in that way, it starts to make a difference in what’s looking back in the mirror. I have to train my mind to not dwell on the hair that waves in different ways on both sides, or the now-sunken-in-belly-button. I have to train my mind to think of the gifts. To praise God for them. And to ask them to use them for others and for His good. 

Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t take pride in my appearance. JB always navigates the utter minefield of my insecurities so well. He tells me I am beautiful all the time. He affirms and challenges me and always brings humor into those conversations, which he knows is a huge antidote for me. He often has me list five things I love about my appearance. And these days, I’ve tried to focus on the things that have stayed the same, even through babies and breastfeeding and age. My smile, my eye color, my complexion. Whatever it is for you, celebrate and praise God for those things!! You are beautiful!

But then it has to go deeper to last...at least for me. Because feelings and weight fluctuate. Comparison and envy crop up, and Satan can take hold. So my parting thought for you:

Do you know the verse about us being treasure in jars of clay? It’s 2 Corinthians 4:7. Here’s what a chunk of that passage says:

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled faces, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.”

It’s beautiful to think that for those of us who know and follow Jesus, we are given His light and His reflection to share with the world. But we are so flawed and we mess up all the time. We don’t look, act, or think perfectly...ever. We are given the gift of showing a glimpse of His perfect love through our brokenness. We are just jars of clay...like Tupperware. We’re basic containers that serve a great purpose because of what is inside of us: the Holy Spirit. Think of this- containers are usually identified by what’s inside of them. Like, “Pass the sugar.” ...not, “Pass the glass container that contains the sugary goodness.” On our own, we are just shells, but with the Spirit, we are treasure-holders. With the Holy Spirit in us, we can do what we are created for- love God and love others. To tell others about this unending, undeniable love. A love that looks at us and says, “I made you. I love you.” 

Another rambling post that I hope brings some joy and peace to your heart. What’s so beautiful is these truths don’t just apply to our bodies and our frustration over wrinkles and acne. This applies to all things we despise in ourselves. Do you have things that frustrate you about yourself? That even make you feel super down, or angry, or ashamed?

It’s okay. He knows all those things. And He still loves us. We are Tupperware. And we will not last forever in this form because we were made for more than sitting in the kitchen cupboard of earth. We will one day be reunited with our Savior whose own scars bear the love He has for us. 

Will you believe that to be true? Will you believe in Him?