Tuesday, February 03, 2026: 8:18PM
My mind is stuck in two realities- the bright one I played out months in advance, a baby in my arms, and the one I now find myself in.
Do I deny the alternate reality, push it out of my mind, or do I face it and let myself wander through it from time to time?
Which would be more helpful?
In one world, I am looking at my baby girl on a screen and putting “Big Brother” and “Big Sister” sweatshirts on my smiling kids’ faces, adding wildflower stickers to her new bedroom wall.
In the other, I am putting those sweatshirts away in an empty cradle tucked in the back of my crawlspace, hidden so I am not reminded of all that was and is. I am cleaning up her bedroom so my kids can continue playing in it and so I don’t feel as sad looking at it.
This would have been the week we found out our Maggie was a girl. The week we should have gathered in the ultrasound room to see her growing and developing, kicking and forming.
We would have been halfway through pregnancy, and all of a sudden, it is over.
The calendar suddenly feels like a death march. Each day, a new funeral of what is gone and will be no more.
Oh, how broken this world is. Jesus hates death as much as we do. He wept with anger over the death of his friend, Lazarus. And he weeps with me now as I grieve a future that cannot be.
____________________
I have received such loving comments reassuring us that we will know if and when we would feel ready to try again. Those sentiments are so full of grace and reassurance, and it gives me peace and comfort.
In my grief, though, a heavy thought came into my mind this weekend and lived with me for a couple days straight:
We were ready. We were nearly halfway there. I endured through a tough first trimester as we celebrated the sweetness of the promised second trimester and turned our faces toward the trying, cramped third trimester.
We were ready.
And now we have to take time to grieve, heal, and pray over being “ready.”
But we were ready.
____________________
I have talked with several friends this past week about how searching for answers for the loss of their unborn child played a role in their grief journey. I am so thankful for the community of Godly mothers around me who have been through this same tragedy. Their experiences are helping guide me in this hazy cloud of strong emotions and deafened logic.
The truth is, the search for answers will not give me Maggie back. It won’t take away the pain. I hear that in their experiences and am grateful for that clarity when all I want to do is scream loud enough until I get the answer.
Yes, I will do my due diligence to check in on my health and do tests that are noninvasive to us both, but as my doctor told me, it is nearly impossible to know.
It is sometimes a daily surrender to not beg God, Google, or anyone in proximity for the answer as to why. What caused this?
This will be a new level of faith and trust in God’s loving, good plan that I have only ever witnessed in faithful saints before or around me. And now it is my turn.
Can I trust God, even when I don’t know the reasons for His Will? Even when the unbearable happens?
Can I live with peace in my heart, soul, and mind when I don’t have all the answers, even to life’s hardest questions?
Can I love God more than my plans and dreams, even if they were beautiful and praiseworthy?
Do I trust that He loves Maggie, me, and my family more than I can imagine?
Yes.
____________________
I have been reading several incredible books in this time of grief and reflection. My current read is a book called Seasons of Sorrow, written by Tim Challies, theologian and pastor, in the first year after his 20 year-old son suddenly died.
This quote resonated with me tonight as he processed life without his son, Nick:
“I know I am heading into a future that is utterly unknown, utterly foreign, utterly opaque. I am heading into a future I cannot see and will not see until future has become present and present has become past. A wise man once said that the true victory of faith is to trust God in the dark and through the dark. I trusted God as he led me through daylight; I will trust him now as he leads me through the thickest darkness. I may not be able to see the way I go, but I don’t need to, because my eye is fixed on the one who is guiding me there. He has given me every reason to trust him. He has given me every reason to have confidence that he will hold my course steady until the keel of this weather-beaten little boat has finally nudged against the shore of glory and I am home.” (Seasons of Sorrow)
Can I trust God in the darkness? I know without a doubt that His love for me drove His own Son to the cross, so yes.
Jesus took on all brokenness and darkness for me. For Maggie. Therefore, I can praise Him in the light and the dark.
Something else that was encouraging to me this week-
A friend shared a beautiful interview with singer, Ellie Holcomb, on the topic of grief after her young nephew died of cancer.
I encourage you each to listen to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sq2XxjzYVGc
A few quotes I jotted down from her interview that spoke to me:
“He writes resurrection in His creation to remind us [of His own resurrection, and of our own future resurrection].”
“Can I tell you some stories about when I didn’t have the answers, but God met me in those questions?”
“Remembering and wrestling” ….We can do both at the same time
I am so thankful for helpful resources from believers who are walking this path as well.
____________________
JB and I met with my OB this past week. I came in thinking the main purpose of our appointment would be to discuss medical topics, but it ended up being more of an emotional, spiritual conversation than anything, and it blessed us so much.
You see, we chose my doctor because he treated me for postpartum pre-eclampsia after having Ethan. I remember feeling so well cared for when he came into my room to check on me in my treatment. Those feelings stuck with me as we chose him to be our OB for this pregnancy. All along, I envisioned him helping me deliver our child through potentially stressful circumstances with my blood pressure, but God knew we would need his comforting, intelligent, gentle demeanor for delivering our baby who had died instead.
Walking into the OB office was not easy, although God graciously reminded me hours before my appointment that He was with me in the even darker, more triggering places I had already faced- the hospital and delivery room- and that He would be with me now.
My doctor came into the room with a calm, hushed, gentle tone, genuinely wanting to know how we are. Once we exchanged the opening remarks on this time of loss and how we are coping, we delved into the actual content of the appointment.
We weaved in and out of medical topics and questions, but the stronger thread that twisted and stretched to form a glorious pattern was the topic of God’s providence, His will for our lives, and the miracle of life.
My doctor clearly understands loss and grief, and he certainly believes in God’s plan for our lives. Nothing was more comforting to me in this moment, now sitting in this room with an empty womb- a room that I had once longed to find promise and hope in through the growing life of my child.
And yet, my promise and hope was still there, just flowing from a deeper place.
As I turned to the Infamous Why Question in my appointment, my doctor responded with something I will continually cling to as a life raft in this Now What phase:
Allow this part of our journey to lead us to a place where we find a radical acceptance- a radical acceptance in the unknown never being known, a radical acceptance to be willing to try again in that unknowing if we so choose, and a radical acceptance that God numbered Maggie’s days to the exact moment she fell asleep and woke up in Heaven.
Radical acceptance. Is that not the calling of faith?
“So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18
“Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
“Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy, and is rising up to show you compassion, for the Lord is a just God. All who wait patiently for Him are happy. For people will live on Zion in Jerusalem. You will never weep again; He will show favor to you at the sound of your outcry; as soon as He hears, He will answer you. The Lord will give you meager bread and water during oppression, but your Teacher will not hide any longer. Your eyes will see your Teacher, and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: ‘This is the way. Walk in it.’” Isaiah 30:18-21
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
“You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith- more valuable than gold which, though perishable, is refined by fire- may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him, and you rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9
Why would I not answer this call to trust God after all the ways He has proven His love for me?
____________________
This realization hits me with a force that both shocks and steadies me:
Jesus could do nothing other than die for me on the cross, and that is still worthy of fully proving His goodness, mercy, and love for me.
Truthfully, He owes me nothing. And yet, out of His love for me- like a gracious Father- He came to the earth, lived a perfect life, died a brutal death, and ascended into Heaven where He is preparing a room for me and all who believe these truths. For me, an imperfect sinner who can in no way save myself through my own deeds. He lavished His grace on me.
Even if that is all He did, I should still praise Him and thank Him.
But He didn’t stop there. Because He loves to lavish his children with his loving gifts.
He gave me the world’s best husband. A warm, happy home. Two precious children to hug. A child who skipped all the suffering of this world and went straight to the Best Place.
The mountains, the sun, the blue skies. Changing seasons that remind me of His promises of renewal, redemption, and life from death.
He gave me music and the teaching of young ones, which brings me such joy.
He has graced me with such convenient and fun things- a computer to write on, a car to get to places faster and spare my feet from tiring, electrolytes and heating pads and humidifiers when I’m not feeling well.
Friends and loved ones who proclaim- even in their imperfections- His love for me. A church I can freely worship in.
Cookies and chocolate. Movie theater popcorn…
Psalm 19 talks about how the heavens declare the handiwork of God, and I praise Him for it. For even in this heavy blanket of grief, I can look up. I can look around. I can hold my kids or my husband. I can listen to gentle piano worship music and feel Him all around.
With this reassuring hope…
I can face the calendar and the cradle
I can face the nagging questions and lack of answers
I can face future decisions
I can face life without Maggie
For I am not alone.
After facing the reality of death and conquering it, He promised me this:
“And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b
Tuesday, February 3, 2026
Answered Prayers and Broken Dreams
Wednesday, January 28, 2026- 1:28PM
The past two days, I have had the kinds of dreams that haunt me when I wake up. I can tell my brain is working hard to process what has happened.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was 3 months pregnant with a little boy. I went in to deliver him, thinking in my dream state that all would be fine. As I prepare to push, excited to meet him and hold him, all of a sudden I realize that he’s too young and it’s too soon; the reality of what is about to happen and what this will mean suddenly sinks in.
In my dream last night, I was blissfully pregnant with Maggie again, thinking all was well and as it should be. Until a feeling of dread came upon me as I realized that was not the case.
Dreams are difficult. I wish at least, when I am asleep, I could escape.
______________________
I had a beautiful conversation with a dear, new friend last night. She and I spent hours recounting all that God has done in our lives, sharing our testimonies with each other, especially in light of our recent loss. It was so, so good for my soul to hear her story- to hear how she encountered God’s love and provision of strength and joy throughout the different circumstances and tragedies in her life; it was an incredible encouragement to me.
She and I settled on a two things we have learned so far in our faith journeys:
When we invite God with us in trials, we have felt an underlying sense of peace- even when it made no sense to anyone, let alone ourselves.
God has clearly opened and closed doors when we have let go of our plans and solely sought His will. And we have both seen in our Type A ways that His plan has always been better than we could have imagined.
Both of these themes have been so present in my experiences the past two weeks. Let me share more:
Inviting God Into My Trials Has Granted Me His Peace, Even When It Hasn’t Made Sense
There have been so many moments in this loss that I have felt a deep peace- no panic- just peace.
I think of not being able to find Maggie’s heartbeat on our at-home doppler the night before we went into the ER. I wasn’t fully grasping what was happening, but I knew there was nothing to fear. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I didn’t even question that feeling.
I think of sitting in the ER, waiting an hour and a half to hear that our daughter is gone. Due to miscommunications and shift changes, we waited 3 times longer than we were told to expect to hear the news. But we saw the flat line on the ultrasound, our daughter’s body laying still when she was super wiggly and active days before. We knew, but we weren’t agonizing over not officially “knowing”- God’s supernatural peace.
I think of the peace I felt, even when I was sobbing in our bed the night before my induction, JB holding me as I cried harder than I ever had before, cramps reminding me of this deep loss. Even in that, I knew He was with me.
I think of the peace I felt holding JB’s hand during delivery when the doctor told us we may need to move to a c-section to remove the rest of the placenta. We both prayed desperately for that to not be the case, and God was gracious in answering our prayers. Even through the pain of our doctor working to recover the placenta, I felt nothing but relief and joy that God answered our prayer and I wouldn’t need surgery after all we had already been through.
I think of all the moments since then that even in this darkness, God has blessed me with sweetness and comfort and light.
But it’s funny how the Devil works- occasionally this nature of thinking will flash across my mind, “Oh, you’re just in shock.” or “You are simply in denial.” But it’s not true. Believers can have peace in the pain. The Bible tells us this:
“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7
It really is true. I don’t fully understand it, and I’m not meant to. But this peace is what is sustaining me and equipping me through the trial.
God Is Opening Doors To Guide Me in His Plan
My friend and I discussed the classic quest many of us humans embark on: seeking God’s will for our lives.
I certainly don’t have all the answers to that Big Question, but I have felt God’s guidance over the years through prayer, reading His word, and talking with close mentors when making big decisions.
But what does it look like to see God’s Will right now- in something I didn’t plan or desire? I see Him at work in my life and my heart. His Will is being accomplished.
I see how He is growing my faith, which is something I don’t ever want to take for granted. It is priceless and truly all that matters.
I see how He is growing my relationships.
I see how He is using my words, my sharing, to encourage others.
Rich gifts.
But I also see how He has reminded me that He will supply. He has opened doors and answered so many prayers- prayers I didn’t even know I had. For example:
He didn’t answer our prayers of reviving Maggie or working a miracle in that way, which I know He could have done if He wanted to. And yet, He answered every single prayer in her delivery and with my health. Every specific prayer we had about the length of labor, for gracious nurses, for my OB to be able to be there during delivery, my specific health needs, He answered.
I knew we had a good community around us, but receiving meals for almost an entire month…what a blessing.
While we were in the hospital, we had to make so many decisions and have so many difficult conversations. Part of those conversations and stressors was taking leave from work for both of us, and the financial strain of paying a large hospital bill months before our savings was ready for it.
Once again, God provided. My doctor told me to apply for six weeks off from the district, and my paid leave was granted. I was blown away. JB was out of sick leave and had to take several unpaid days to be home those two weeks, and through the extreme generosity of others- some, dear friends, and others nearly strangers- his leave was covered through donations.
He provided so much more than we could even ask for.
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:19
The amount of ladies who have reached out and said they have been through the same thing has astounded me. It breaks my heart that they have been through this, but I have felt that strong bond of not walking through this alone. I have friends I can shoulder the weight with and reach out to when I am lost in this foreign nature of agony.
The deepening of my close relationships is astounding. To be able to sit on my couch and weep with my loved ones, to show them pictures of our precious daughter and mourn together as they “meet” her…I will never, ever forget those shared moments. Their willingness to step into the grief themselves, even when it is difficult for them, is so sacrificially beautiful. What a pure, godly love.
God has shown me time and time again in my life when the unexpected happens, when I have a big, scary decision to make, He can be trusted and He will guide me and make a way- even when it’s difficult, painful, or terrifying. When I stop trying to control the narrative of my life and release the outcome to Him, it’s all so much better. This part of our story has been no different.
The past two days, I have had the kinds of dreams that haunt me when I wake up. I can tell my brain is working hard to process what has happened.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was 3 months pregnant with a little boy. I went in to deliver him, thinking in my dream state that all would be fine. As I prepare to push, excited to meet him and hold him, all of a sudden I realize that he’s too young and it’s too soon; the reality of what is about to happen and what this will mean suddenly sinks in.
In my dream last night, I was blissfully pregnant with Maggie again, thinking all was well and as it should be. Until a feeling of dread came upon me as I realized that was not the case.
Dreams are difficult. I wish at least, when I am asleep, I could escape.
______________________
I had a beautiful conversation with a dear, new friend last night. She and I spent hours recounting all that God has done in our lives, sharing our testimonies with each other, especially in light of our recent loss. It was so, so good for my soul to hear her story- to hear how she encountered God’s love and provision of strength and joy throughout the different circumstances and tragedies in her life; it was an incredible encouragement to me.
She and I settled on a two things we have learned so far in our faith journeys:
When we invite God with us in trials, we have felt an underlying sense of peace- even when it made no sense to anyone, let alone ourselves.
God has clearly opened and closed doors when we have let go of our plans and solely sought His will. And we have both seen in our Type A ways that His plan has always been better than we could have imagined.
Both of these themes have been so present in my experiences the past two weeks. Let me share more:
Inviting God Into My Trials Has Granted Me His Peace, Even When It Hasn’t Made Sense
There have been so many moments in this loss that I have felt a deep peace- no panic- just peace.
I think of not being able to find Maggie’s heartbeat on our at-home doppler the night before we went into the ER. I wasn’t fully grasping what was happening, but I knew there was nothing to fear. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I didn’t even question that feeling.
I think of sitting in the ER, waiting an hour and a half to hear that our daughter is gone. Due to miscommunications and shift changes, we waited 3 times longer than we were told to expect to hear the news. But we saw the flat line on the ultrasound, our daughter’s body laying still when she was super wiggly and active days before. We knew, but we weren’t agonizing over not officially “knowing”- God’s supernatural peace.
I think of the peace I felt, even when I was sobbing in our bed the night before my induction, JB holding me as I cried harder than I ever had before, cramps reminding me of this deep loss. Even in that, I knew He was with me.
I think of the peace I felt holding JB’s hand during delivery when the doctor told us we may need to move to a c-section to remove the rest of the placenta. We both prayed desperately for that to not be the case, and God was gracious in answering our prayers. Even through the pain of our doctor working to recover the placenta, I felt nothing but relief and joy that God answered our prayer and I wouldn’t need surgery after all we had already been through.
I think of all the moments since then that even in this darkness, God has blessed me with sweetness and comfort and light.
But it’s funny how the Devil works- occasionally this nature of thinking will flash across my mind, “Oh, you’re just in shock.” or “You are simply in denial.” But it’s not true. Believers can have peace in the pain. The Bible tells us this:
“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7
It really is true. I don’t fully understand it, and I’m not meant to. But this peace is what is sustaining me and equipping me through the trial.
God Is Opening Doors To Guide Me in His Plan
My friend and I discussed the classic quest many of us humans embark on: seeking God’s will for our lives.
I certainly don’t have all the answers to that Big Question, but I have felt God’s guidance over the years through prayer, reading His word, and talking with close mentors when making big decisions.
But what does it look like to see God’s Will right now- in something I didn’t plan or desire? I see Him at work in my life and my heart. His Will is being accomplished.
I see how He is growing my faith, which is something I don’t ever want to take for granted. It is priceless and truly all that matters.
I see how He is growing my relationships.
I see how He is using my words, my sharing, to encourage others.
Rich gifts.
But I also see how He has reminded me that He will supply. He has opened doors and answered so many prayers- prayers I didn’t even know I had. For example:
He didn’t answer our prayers of reviving Maggie or working a miracle in that way, which I know He could have done if He wanted to. And yet, He answered every single prayer in her delivery and with my health. Every specific prayer we had about the length of labor, for gracious nurses, for my OB to be able to be there during delivery, my specific health needs, He answered.
I knew we had a good community around us, but receiving meals for almost an entire month…what a blessing.
While we were in the hospital, we had to make so many decisions and have so many difficult conversations. Part of those conversations and stressors was taking leave from work for both of us, and the financial strain of paying a large hospital bill months before our savings was ready for it.
Once again, God provided. My doctor told me to apply for six weeks off from the district, and my paid leave was granted. I was blown away. JB was out of sick leave and had to take several unpaid days to be home those two weeks, and through the extreme generosity of others- some, dear friends, and others nearly strangers- his leave was covered through donations.
He provided so much more than we could even ask for.
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:19
The amount of ladies who have reached out and said they have been through the same thing has astounded me. It breaks my heart that they have been through this, but I have felt that strong bond of not walking through this alone. I have friends I can shoulder the weight with and reach out to when I am lost in this foreign nature of agony.
The deepening of my close relationships is astounding. To be able to sit on my couch and weep with my loved ones, to show them pictures of our precious daughter and mourn together as they “meet” her…I will never, ever forget those shared moments. Their willingness to step into the grief themselves, even when it is difficult for them, is so sacrificially beautiful. What a pure, godly love.
God has shown me time and time again in my life when the unexpected happens, when I have a big, scary decision to make, He can be trusted and He will guide me and make a way- even when it’s difficult, painful, or terrifying. When I stop trying to control the narrative of my life and release the outcome to Him, it’s all so much better. This part of our story has been no different.
Wednesday, January 28, 2026
Boxes, Snow, and "The Hole"
Monday, January 26, 2026- 3:42PM
It was snowing the day we tucked our daughter’s life away into a box. This box, so smooth and beautiful, with her name etched on the lid- one that we will pull out when we wish we could pick her up out of her crib and hold her in our arms, when we wanted to push her on her bike or give her a hug after school.
I turned to JB, too tired to cry, and noted with sorrow how tragic it was that her whole life fit in a slightly enlarged shoebox. His response was surprising, yet a comfort to me: “All of our lives fit in a box.”
What do we leave behind that truly matters?
____________________
It was snowing the day we left the hospital without her as well, my body empty of the life that I was carrying two days before. I remember being struck by the snow then, too. Perhaps it’s because we have had an odd Alaskan winter without much of the beautiful, white powder, or maybe it was because what happened in that delivery room was so life-changing that it felt like many seasons had passed since we first walked inside of it. Either way, I noticed the snow.
Other things I notice today- the light in my children’s sweet eyes. The gentle warmth of my husband’s hug. The generosity of others. The coziness of a heated blanket gifted from a dear friend who has also known loss. The healing balm of reading God’s Word as I feel lost.
____________________
JB and I have been watching tv shows after we put our precious kids to bed- a bit of an escape, and an easy, shared experience right now. It is crazy how many different things remind us of our loss, of what we have gone through. We have had to turn off several shows as we discover certain topics are too hard.
But one of the shows that has been an enjoyable tune-out time had a quote that resonated with us both. The idea was:
Grief is like a hole that you can’t fill, but over time it gets smaller. So eventually, you won’t fall in with each step.
Today, the hole felt a little smaller. Until the box.
And yet the snow falls.
Sunday, January 25, 2026
A Week of Finding My Footing
Sunday, January 18, 2026- 9:16AM
One week ago, our lives changed. Those first moments of discovering our Maggie was gone are the hardest for me to remember. It’s not breaking the news to our other children, the delivery, or holding our sweet girl for the first and last time; it’s that moment when we crossed the threshold of knowledge that what we thought just mere hours before- a present rested in and a future envisioned- was no more.
The waves of grief have certainly hit as the shock has worn off. And yet, certain foundations remain- I have not questioned God’s goodness, or even His plan. And I have continued to feel nothing but His love and mercy to us in this time.
No one wants to go through suffering- we don’t tend to seek it out- and yet, the Bible is full of truths about it.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” -Romans 8:18
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:3-5
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” -Psalm 34:19
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
The truth is, as believers, we always have hope. And that gives suffering and loss a sweetness to it that anyone else would think is crazy.
But this time is sacred, and I know it. It is a time where everything else is stripped away- hopes, dreams, expectations, my physical abilities, my ability to rationalize or ignore the reality of being human…and this is a time He does not waste when I come to Him.
Pregnancy has been a time of testing and growth in my faith each time. There was something so frustrating about the constant reminder that I am not in control of the life growing inside of me. My pregnancy with Maggie had those moments as well, but we went into this pregnancy with a very different mindset than we did with our other two, and it changed my whole outlook during my time carrying her.
We had Emma and Ethan 19 months apart. And then we waited nearly 6 years to give this another go. We have desired to have another child for the past 3 years, and we waited for God’s timing; we felt God calling us to try now. And even after it all, I am so glad we listened. This is the first pregnancy where I wasn’t white-knuckled-grasping onto this dream. I came into it with open hands, knowing so many more women this time around who have experienced unexpected and unexplained loss. I knew this would be a leap of faith for our family in so many ways. But we felt God’s leading and prompting the whole way through.
I have a whole note on my phone of verses and truths He shared with us throughout our pregnancy with Maggie, and those verses are anchors as I look back and wonder why we put ourselves through this, or why God led us to take this leap of faith, only for this to happen.
It is such a beautiful reassurance to me that Maggie’s life was not and is not wasted. It is such a grounding knowledge that this was, in fact, part of God’s plan, and that He is still good and loves us.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” -Proverbs 16:3
“There’s a difference between planning and controlling. One invites God in…the other carries the weight alone. When we release the outcome to Him, we discover how capable He is of doing what we cannot. Commit it all to Him.” -Dr. Josh Axe (I do not agree with all aspects of his theology, but I liked this quote).
____________
I have seen God work through loss and grief. I first encountered that three years ago when my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away after beating cancer. And then when I faced my mom nearly dying before brain surgery a year later. I have worked through grief with my own chronic health condition this year that has led me to cling to Jesus and lean on Him every day for physical provision and wisdom over my “yeses” and my “nos”. And I have already seen Him working in our loss of Maggie.
A gift that has come through these past three years of growth for me is that I do not fear death, pain, or suffering. Of course, like any human, I don’t relish it and I often pray against it. I also have my moments of dreading it and hoping to avoid it. But I have seen God give and take away and have wrestled with my faith in that, coming out the other side with a complete, blessed assurance that no matter the outcome, He is still who He says He is. And I am not afraid when I know His love for me- love that sent Him to the cross- while also knowing that no matter what happens in this life, I will be with Him in Paradise forever.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” -Isaiah 55:8-9
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28
Blessed Assurance
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending, bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
Years ago, I faced the age-old question, “Why do these bad things happen?” and “Where is God in this?” and found Him in His Word and in prayer. And that is how I knew I was ready for this pregnancy and whatever was ahead for us- whether it would take more of a toll on my health (it actually ended up doing the opposite and was such a gift), it would be a difficult pregnancy or transition as a family, or whether it brought pain and grief and loss. I knew through it all, I could trust God and, ultimately, not fear what was ahead.
“Deep, contended joy comes from a place of complete security and confidence in God even in the midst of the trial.” -Chuck Swindoll
Elisabeth Elliott, one of my favorite reads and listens, shared a quote from Benjamin Franklin that I read just days after delivering Maggie:
“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He know, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”
My feelings, my faith, my reality can rest in knowing those are unchanging truths. What a sweet relief to know that no matter what wind and waves come, I can trust that He has me in His loving hands.
I fully believe that no matter what is stripped away, all I need is Him.
Facing some of my biggest fears and finding God ever closer in them has given me the taste of salvation and assurance so many long for and search desperately for, yet is available to all who believe in Him. I don’t fear death, not in the slightest. I pray for that peace and assurance for all who read this.
“I give Him my deaths and He gives me His life. My sorrows, He gives me joy. My losses, He gives me His gains. This is the great principle of the cross.” -Elisabeth Elliot
_________
JB and I started thinking and dreaming of Heaven so much after his dad died. It led us to read and research so much about it. It has allowed us to be more prepared for the quizzical questions from our kids. It has given us clearer images of what Heaven must be like for Mike, for Maggie, for other loved ones. It gives me such joy. I long to be there so much. My heart leaps when I think of an eternity with the Creator of love, of all good things. I can’t wait for the adventures, the laughter, the unending joy and beauty we will encounter together there. It makes me think of those verses…
“He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, without the possibility that mankind will find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.” -Ecclesiates 3:11
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“But our citizenship is in Heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like HIs glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself.” -Philippians 2:20-21
Charles Spurgeon once said:
“Christian, here is joy for thee; thou hast looked, and thou hast seen the Lamb. Through thy tears thine eyes have seen the Lamb of God taking away thy sins. Rejoice, then. In a little while, when thine eyes shall have been wiped from tears, thou wilt see the same Lamb exalted on his throne. It is the joy of thy heart to hold daily fellowship with Jesus; thou shalt have the same joy to a higher degree in heaven; thou shalt enjoy the constant vision of his presence; thou shalt dwell with him for ever. “I looked, and, lo, a Lamb!” Why, that Lamb is heaven itself; for as good Rutherford says, “Heaven and Christ are the same thing;” to be with Christ is to be in heaven, and to be in heaven is to be with Christ. That prisoner of the Lord very sweetly writes in one of his glowing letters-”O my Lord Jesus Christ, if I could be in heaven without thee, it would be a hell; and if I could be in hell, and have thee still, it would be a heaven to me, for thou art all the heaven I want.” It is true, is it not, Christian? Does not thy soul say so?”
My only desire is to be with Him.
While I wait to be in Heaven, I have a purpose here and now. And I also have so many blessings- like my husband and my kids- to enjoy. What a gift.
I keep marveling at how God gave us Jesus, and then He also gave us the Holy Spirit. As the psalmist says in 139, we cannot flee from His presence, even in the depths. It really struck me the other day as I looked out at our snowy backyard- when I commune with God, I am experiencing just a taste of what Maggie is experiencing right now.
How glorious.
“Faith is to believe what we do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.” -St. Augustine
“While other worldviews lead us to sit in the midst of life’s joys, foreseeing the coming sorrows, Christianity empowers its people to sit in the midst of the world’s sorrows, tasting the coming joy.” - Timothy Keller
_____________
JB and I have been getting more sleep than I would expect right now. At times, we both admit to one another we feel numb as we go about our day. Yet it is in the quiet darkness of the early mornings and the late nights, we allow ourselves the necessary freedom to go to the depths. We grieve together.
JB put it well in one of those moments where I was staring up at our bedroom fan, contemplating how life goes on after this. He observed that we are experiencing a dual grief: the death of a child and her future in our earthly family, and also the loss of a dream.
So many dreams and memories we hoped to make with our little girl…
I continue to have moments throughout my days where a thought, either an encouraging epiphany or a difficult realization, flashes across my mind. I suppose that is the delicate dance of grief as the mind and soul work to untangle the horror of it all.
Akin to what JB shared with me the other night, it hit me today that we are experiencing the tragedy of a rewritten future.
I stare at the calendar with a sense of dread and loss right now. All these moments I had planned for- a gender reveal/announcement on Valentine’s Day, a baby shower, my due date, rocking a baby in the sunshine on our back deck this summer- are now laced with sorrow and incredible heaviness. This path that I had planned out in my mind seems to no longer exist. It vanished as quickly as my little baby bump did.
But then I remembered a text I received from a dear friend who lost a baby years ago. She put it so beautifully: Though the path leads to a different place than I expected, it is still going somewhere, and that path is still full of love.
I thought I knew which direction the path for Margaret, for our family, was going, but the path for our little ones are often ones we cannot comprehend.
Yet I can trust that Maggie’s path led her to a beautiful, perfect place.
_____________
We have had a few of those “well-meaning” strangers say things they shouldn’t, but the thoughtful, caring, tender comfort we have received from everyone else has far outweighed those moments. I need to remind myself of that every time another comment is added to the “Dumb Things to Say to Grieving Parents” List.
JB and I try to laugh our way through life, finding joy even in the pain. Even in these moments where so much emotional damage could be done, JB and I are able to laugh over those comments and bring them up to each other with silly voices when we need some comedic relief.
“Stay positive; you’ll get through this.”
“You have two at home; soak them up and be grateful for them.”
“You can always try again.”
I’ve known for years that people say the darndest things, but I try to not take it personally, for it reveals everything about them and nothing about us. And it’s often not meant to be hurtful, it’s just awkward and hard for people- especially those who have not encountered this depth of pain in their lives yet- to know what to say.
I know we all want to rationalize our humanity at times; try to make it an easier pill to swallow. I’ve even caught myself doing this to myself right now.
But it has hit me the past couple days that this loss is not something I can (or will) slap a bandaid on, find a silver lining for, or numb myself through. I can’t muster up enough “positivity” or determination, or sheer will to get through this.
Truth: I don’t need positivity right now.
Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of what I lost and what we went through. There is no avoiding it.
I hug my kids in their tears as they wrap their minds over what they lost when their sister died.
We all need to feel this, to face it, and to go to the Lord. He is the only healing balm to my soul, my only True Comfort. Any other words ring empty.
Other truth: We may have more kids, we may not. We may go through more tremendous loss and pain in our lives. We may have crushed dreams. We could get all we have ever hoped for. All of it is dust compared to knowing and experiencing Jesus. Health, wealth, happiness…it all comes up empty because Jesus is the only One who can fill the holes in our hearts.
That is what this time provides- a fresh clarity on what matters and on what is lasting. This world cannot ever provide the full satisfaction and hope that an eternity with Jesus will.
All that to say, there is still great pain and loss here. Just because our foundation is in Him doesn’t mean we don’t feel the agony of this. We hoped for and longed for another child, to grow our family. We watched our baby girl develop and grow inside of me. I felt her kicks and saw her pictures. This is a great loss for us. And while we have two precious kids in our home, that does not change that we have lost a member of our family.
The “at least you have other kids at home” has always been an interesting rationale. It suddenly turns family planning and structure into a game; it cheapens the life of our little Maggie.
You see, it reminds me of the board game of Life. My sisters and I loved playing that game growing up- I mostly did because I am terrible at strategy games…ask JB.
Our goal in the game was always to get married first and then cram as many pink and blue kids in our little plastic cars as we could. How many of us didn’t have that dream in real life, me included?
But what that well-meaning person doesn’t understand is that every life- whether just conceived seconds ago, or delivered and breathing- has eternal value and purpose. They are not just little trinkets you can replace.
When that child dies, there is a hole forever in that family, a loss felt by people and certainly by our Heavenly Father.
There is an empty place in my and JB’s heart that we created for Maggie to fill. We prayed for this child and pondered her for years and let that dream fill our hearts and minds. Even if we had more, or adopted a puppy on a “grief whim” (can that be a thing?), quit our jobs and traveled the world, or bought every single thing we ever wanted…nothing will change that loss. We have two daughters and a son, and it’s okay for strangers and loved ones alike to simply say, “I am so sorry” and leave it there.
I am so thankful for God’s reminders that He made us each uniquely, that He loves us and cares for us more than the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. I know He is smiling as He holds my dear Maggie’s hand, all the while crying as He holds me tight in His arms.
Thank You, Lord, that nothing is wasted.
One week ago, our lives changed. Those first moments of discovering our Maggie was gone are the hardest for me to remember. It’s not breaking the news to our other children, the delivery, or holding our sweet girl for the first and last time; it’s that moment when we crossed the threshold of knowledge that what we thought just mere hours before- a present rested in and a future envisioned- was no more.
The waves of grief have certainly hit as the shock has worn off. And yet, certain foundations remain- I have not questioned God’s goodness, or even His plan. And I have continued to feel nothing but His love and mercy to us in this time.
No one wants to go through suffering- we don’t tend to seek it out- and yet, the Bible is full of truths about it.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” -Romans 8:18
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:3-5
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” -Psalm 34:19
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
The truth is, as believers, we always have hope. And that gives suffering and loss a sweetness to it that anyone else would think is crazy.
But this time is sacred, and I know it. It is a time where everything else is stripped away- hopes, dreams, expectations, my physical abilities, my ability to rationalize or ignore the reality of being human…and this is a time He does not waste when I come to Him.
Pregnancy has been a time of testing and growth in my faith each time. There was something so frustrating about the constant reminder that I am not in control of the life growing inside of me. My pregnancy with Maggie had those moments as well, but we went into this pregnancy with a very different mindset than we did with our other two, and it changed my whole outlook during my time carrying her.
We had Emma and Ethan 19 months apart. And then we waited nearly 6 years to give this another go. We have desired to have another child for the past 3 years, and we waited for God’s timing; we felt God calling us to try now. And even after it all, I am so glad we listened. This is the first pregnancy where I wasn’t white-knuckled-grasping onto this dream. I came into it with open hands, knowing so many more women this time around who have experienced unexpected and unexplained loss. I knew this would be a leap of faith for our family in so many ways. But we felt God’s leading and prompting the whole way through.
I have a whole note on my phone of verses and truths He shared with us throughout our pregnancy with Maggie, and those verses are anchors as I look back and wonder why we put ourselves through this, or why God led us to take this leap of faith, only for this to happen.
It is such a beautiful reassurance to me that Maggie’s life was not and is not wasted. It is such a grounding knowledge that this was, in fact, part of God’s plan, and that He is still good and loves us.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” -Proverbs 16:3
“There’s a difference between planning and controlling. One invites God in…the other carries the weight alone. When we release the outcome to Him, we discover how capable He is of doing what we cannot. Commit it all to Him.” -Dr. Josh Axe (I do not agree with all aspects of his theology, but I liked this quote).
____________
I have seen God work through loss and grief. I first encountered that three years ago when my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away after beating cancer. And then when I faced my mom nearly dying before brain surgery a year later. I have worked through grief with my own chronic health condition this year that has led me to cling to Jesus and lean on Him every day for physical provision and wisdom over my “yeses” and my “nos”. And I have already seen Him working in our loss of Maggie.
A gift that has come through these past three years of growth for me is that I do not fear death, pain, or suffering. Of course, like any human, I don’t relish it and I often pray against it. I also have my moments of dreading it and hoping to avoid it. But I have seen God give and take away and have wrestled with my faith in that, coming out the other side with a complete, blessed assurance that no matter the outcome, He is still who He says He is. And I am not afraid when I know His love for me- love that sent Him to the cross- while also knowing that no matter what happens in this life, I will be with Him in Paradise forever.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” -Isaiah 55:8-9
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28
Blessed Assurance
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending, bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
Years ago, I faced the age-old question, “Why do these bad things happen?” and “Where is God in this?” and found Him in His Word and in prayer. And that is how I knew I was ready for this pregnancy and whatever was ahead for us- whether it would take more of a toll on my health (it actually ended up doing the opposite and was such a gift), it would be a difficult pregnancy or transition as a family, or whether it brought pain and grief and loss. I knew through it all, I could trust God and, ultimately, not fear what was ahead.
“Deep, contended joy comes from a place of complete security and confidence in God even in the midst of the trial.” -Chuck Swindoll
Elisabeth Elliott, one of my favorite reads and listens, shared a quote from Benjamin Franklin that I read just days after delivering Maggie:
“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He know, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”
My feelings, my faith, my reality can rest in knowing those are unchanging truths. What a sweet relief to know that no matter what wind and waves come, I can trust that He has me in His loving hands.
I fully believe that no matter what is stripped away, all I need is Him.
Facing some of my biggest fears and finding God ever closer in them has given me the taste of salvation and assurance so many long for and search desperately for, yet is available to all who believe in Him. I don’t fear death, not in the slightest. I pray for that peace and assurance for all who read this.
“I give Him my deaths and He gives me His life. My sorrows, He gives me joy. My losses, He gives me His gains. This is the great principle of the cross.” -Elisabeth Elliot
_________
JB and I started thinking and dreaming of Heaven so much after his dad died. It led us to read and research so much about it. It has allowed us to be more prepared for the quizzical questions from our kids. It has given us clearer images of what Heaven must be like for Mike, for Maggie, for other loved ones. It gives me such joy. I long to be there so much. My heart leaps when I think of an eternity with the Creator of love, of all good things. I can’t wait for the adventures, the laughter, the unending joy and beauty we will encounter together there. It makes me think of those verses…
“He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, without the possibility that mankind will find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.” -Ecclesiates 3:11
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“But our citizenship is in Heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like HIs glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself.” -Philippians 2:20-21
Charles Spurgeon once said:
“Christian, here is joy for thee; thou hast looked, and thou hast seen the Lamb. Through thy tears thine eyes have seen the Lamb of God taking away thy sins. Rejoice, then. In a little while, when thine eyes shall have been wiped from tears, thou wilt see the same Lamb exalted on his throne. It is the joy of thy heart to hold daily fellowship with Jesus; thou shalt have the same joy to a higher degree in heaven; thou shalt enjoy the constant vision of his presence; thou shalt dwell with him for ever. “I looked, and, lo, a Lamb!” Why, that Lamb is heaven itself; for as good Rutherford says, “Heaven and Christ are the same thing;” to be with Christ is to be in heaven, and to be in heaven is to be with Christ. That prisoner of the Lord very sweetly writes in one of his glowing letters-”O my Lord Jesus Christ, if I could be in heaven without thee, it would be a hell; and if I could be in hell, and have thee still, it would be a heaven to me, for thou art all the heaven I want.” It is true, is it not, Christian? Does not thy soul say so?”
My only desire is to be with Him.
While I wait to be in Heaven, I have a purpose here and now. And I also have so many blessings- like my husband and my kids- to enjoy. What a gift.
I keep marveling at how God gave us Jesus, and then He also gave us the Holy Spirit. As the psalmist says in 139, we cannot flee from His presence, even in the depths. It really struck me the other day as I looked out at our snowy backyard- when I commune with God, I am experiencing just a taste of what Maggie is experiencing right now.
How glorious.
“Faith is to believe what we do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.” -St. Augustine
“While other worldviews lead us to sit in the midst of life’s joys, foreseeing the coming sorrows, Christianity empowers its people to sit in the midst of the world’s sorrows, tasting the coming joy.” - Timothy Keller
_____________
JB and I have been getting more sleep than I would expect right now. At times, we both admit to one another we feel numb as we go about our day. Yet it is in the quiet darkness of the early mornings and the late nights, we allow ourselves the necessary freedom to go to the depths. We grieve together.
JB put it well in one of those moments where I was staring up at our bedroom fan, contemplating how life goes on after this. He observed that we are experiencing a dual grief: the death of a child and her future in our earthly family, and also the loss of a dream.
So many dreams and memories we hoped to make with our little girl…
I continue to have moments throughout my days where a thought, either an encouraging epiphany or a difficult realization, flashes across my mind. I suppose that is the delicate dance of grief as the mind and soul work to untangle the horror of it all.
Akin to what JB shared with me the other night, it hit me today that we are experiencing the tragedy of a rewritten future.
I stare at the calendar with a sense of dread and loss right now. All these moments I had planned for- a gender reveal/announcement on Valentine’s Day, a baby shower, my due date, rocking a baby in the sunshine on our back deck this summer- are now laced with sorrow and incredible heaviness. This path that I had planned out in my mind seems to no longer exist. It vanished as quickly as my little baby bump did.
But then I remembered a text I received from a dear friend who lost a baby years ago. She put it so beautifully: Though the path leads to a different place than I expected, it is still going somewhere, and that path is still full of love.
I thought I knew which direction the path for Margaret, for our family, was going, but the path for our little ones are often ones we cannot comprehend.
Yet I can trust that Maggie’s path led her to a beautiful, perfect place.
_____________
We have had a few of those “well-meaning” strangers say things they shouldn’t, but the thoughtful, caring, tender comfort we have received from everyone else has far outweighed those moments. I need to remind myself of that every time another comment is added to the “Dumb Things to Say to Grieving Parents” List.
JB and I try to laugh our way through life, finding joy even in the pain. Even in these moments where so much emotional damage could be done, JB and I are able to laugh over those comments and bring them up to each other with silly voices when we need some comedic relief.
“Stay positive; you’ll get through this.”
“You have two at home; soak them up and be grateful for them.”
“You can always try again.”
I’ve known for years that people say the darndest things, but I try to not take it personally, for it reveals everything about them and nothing about us. And it’s often not meant to be hurtful, it’s just awkward and hard for people- especially those who have not encountered this depth of pain in their lives yet- to know what to say.
I know we all want to rationalize our humanity at times; try to make it an easier pill to swallow. I’ve even caught myself doing this to myself right now.
But it has hit me the past couple days that this loss is not something I can (or will) slap a bandaid on, find a silver lining for, or numb myself through. I can’t muster up enough “positivity” or determination, or sheer will to get through this.
Truth: I don’t need positivity right now.
Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of what I lost and what we went through. There is no avoiding it.
I hug my kids in their tears as they wrap their minds over what they lost when their sister died.
We all need to feel this, to face it, and to go to the Lord. He is the only healing balm to my soul, my only True Comfort. Any other words ring empty.
Other truth: We may have more kids, we may not. We may go through more tremendous loss and pain in our lives. We may have crushed dreams. We could get all we have ever hoped for. All of it is dust compared to knowing and experiencing Jesus. Health, wealth, happiness…it all comes up empty because Jesus is the only One who can fill the holes in our hearts.
That is what this time provides- a fresh clarity on what matters and on what is lasting. This world cannot ever provide the full satisfaction and hope that an eternity with Jesus will.
All that to say, there is still great pain and loss here. Just because our foundation is in Him doesn’t mean we don’t feel the agony of this. We hoped for and longed for another child, to grow our family. We watched our baby girl develop and grow inside of me. I felt her kicks and saw her pictures. This is a great loss for us. And while we have two precious kids in our home, that does not change that we have lost a member of our family.
The “at least you have other kids at home” has always been an interesting rationale. It suddenly turns family planning and structure into a game; it cheapens the life of our little Maggie.
You see, it reminds me of the board game of Life. My sisters and I loved playing that game growing up- I mostly did because I am terrible at strategy games…ask JB.
Our goal in the game was always to get married first and then cram as many pink and blue kids in our little plastic cars as we could. How many of us didn’t have that dream in real life, me included?
But what that well-meaning person doesn’t understand is that every life- whether just conceived seconds ago, or delivered and breathing- has eternal value and purpose. They are not just little trinkets you can replace.
When that child dies, there is a hole forever in that family, a loss felt by people and certainly by our Heavenly Father.
There is an empty place in my and JB’s heart that we created for Maggie to fill. We prayed for this child and pondered her for years and let that dream fill our hearts and minds. Even if we had more, or adopted a puppy on a “grief whim” (can that be a thing?), quit our jobs and traveled the world, or bought every single thing we ever wanted…nothing will change that loss. We have two daughters and a son, and it’s okay for strangers and loved ones alike to simply say, “I am so sorry” and leave it there.
I am so thankful for God’s reminders that He made us each uniquely, that He loves us and cares for us more than the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. I know He is smiling as He holds my dear Maggie’s hand, all the while crying as He holds me tight in His arms.
Thank You, Lord, that nothing is wasted.
The Second Wave
Friday, January 16, 2026- 6:40AM
My eyes are so dry. I didn’t know I could cry so much. My body is sore and weak from all it has gone through this week, and I welcome the physical reminder of the pain because it encourages me to slow down and take care of myself- even when I don’t want to.
The mindset of pregnancy is hard to shake. I am trying to remind myself I can eat the blue cheese now, the uncooked deli meat. It’s painful to take my prenatal, but I know the nutrients are good for my healing body.
I walk around my house, thinking of the joy I felt just a week ago, knowing Maggie was with me wherever I went. I would drive in the car with Emma and Ethan and think, “I have all three of my kids with me; what else could I need or want?”.
The shock and whirlwind of what has happened in the past 5 days is wearing off, and grief lays on me so heavy at times I don’t know what to do with myself. But the tears flow and eventually dry up, leaving me feeling numb at times and a bit more at peace in others.
I am thankful for the waves that ebb and flow, giving me a reprieve before they crash to shore once more.
I am blown away by the comfort and power of God’s Word and of His people. Watching tv is a nice distraction; sleep is a wonderful respite until I wake up and remember all over again. Snacks and fuzzy blankets are a comfort. But the only time I feel deeply soothed, swept up in an emotion even stronger than grief, is when I read the scriptures and prayers loved ones have sent me. It is quite literally holding me up at times. I look around and see all that has changed. I feel lost at sea. And then I am able to look up and see Jesus’ face in the storm. I am thankful.
_____________
I wish my body already knew I lost my child. My milk coming in has been an incredibly painful reminder of what I have lost. I grieve it but also thank God I have been able to sustain the life of my other two children in the beautiful bond of nursing in the past.
_____________
It has started to sink in that we lost our second daughter. It is hitting me that we have three kids, yet one is in Heaven.
I didn’t realize how much room I had already made in my heart for Maggie. Aside from the logistical planning of car seats and nursery, I was ready for my lap to add another little one in it. I was prepared and excited for the chaos and sweetness, for the sacrifice and joys ahead.
Meeting her in that delivery room was so important; I feel like I got to know her better. Her big eyes looked like little moons when they were closed, just like her big sister’s. Her lips, full and so feminine. Her tiny fingers and toes so delicate and yet perfectly, beautifully formed. She fit in the palm of our hands.
Psalm 139: 13-14:
“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
My Dream
Wednesday, January 14, 2026- 11:06PM
She was running in a field, her sandy blonde hair dancing behind her. It was like I was following her through the golden-colored flowers and green stems to a new place she was so excited to see.
I had this dream just a few days into pregnancy, and that’s how I knew I was having a girl. I didn’t fully trust it, but I see now that God told me.
All along, I thought it was a vision of a soon-to-be future- me with my little girl, enjoying the beauty of this world.
She was running in a field, but it wasn’t to me. Her back was to me the whole time because her eyes were set on Jesus. She ran straight into His arms.
The First Wave
Wednesday, January 14, 2026- 4:34AM
2-4AM is when I miss Maggie the most. All my defenses are down. I wake up and forget for a moment what we have lost- that she isn’t kicking and moving inside of me anymore.
This is the first morning I haven’t woken up wailing. This morning, just for this time, I feel a welcomed gratitude and even a little joy. I welcome these emotions and ask them to stay for a while.
I feel gratitude that I got to grow life inside of me again. That I got to feel her kicks and see her perfect little form in pictures. I feel grateful for her life and how it changed mine.
Bracing for impact for another wave of another emotion to come, but for now I rest here.
I have spent so much time thinking about grief, loss, and Heaven these past few years through other family losses, and I am grateful for what I know now because I do not think I would have had the strength of faith to endure this in Jesus’ arms like I do now. It is all by His grace.
I don’t question His goodness. I am not angry with God. I am sitting in this cocoon of a hospital room, reflecting on the first cries of a newborn baby JB and I heard next door yesterday, thinking of the immediate worship of God and the marveling of His giving of life and the miracle of birth that burst out of me in that moment. I felt joy for that mother and her family, while also experiencing deep grief that led me and my husband to hold one another in aching tears.
It is all Him. It is life as a believer- to be able to hold joy and pain in the same heart, in the same moment.
I could not get through this without knowing our dear Maggie is in Heaven. As my brain and body process this trauma- this unexpected, unusual loss- that is what I cling to so deeply. The first thing she saw was the glory and beauty of a place where there is no more pain. JB and I envision her in her grandpa’s arms, his shining blue eyes sparkling with his big, full-of-life laugh lighting up his form as he plays with her and cuddles her. She is with Jesus; there is truly no better place to be.
I want to be selfish, though. I want her to be here with us. I want to watch her grow inside of me, to keep all those appointments on my calendar, to celebrate those milestones. To set up the nursery. To not cancel the registry. To show Emma and Ethan the wonder of feeling a baby kick in Mommy’s tummy. To get the carseat ready and anticipate the joyous occasion of siblings meeting for the first time.
I have not brought myself to think very much yet of all the moments lost. I know that is what people say about the unique nature of miscarriage and infant loss- you grieve what could have been more than anything. You grieve the memories that were never made. I have such a creative imagination and have had Maggie there in my arms on our back deck this summer, nursing in the sun as her siblings play with their Daddy on the trampoline. She has said her first word, spit up everywhere, learned to crawl, and giggled with her older siblings so many times in my mind.
I hurt for our kids. I hurt that at ages 5 and 7, they have experienced more loss and grief than I did until I was 29. I also see their strength of faith.
There are those pinnacle moments held in our minds- and one of those for me is the moment we had to shatter our kids’ reality. It happened on our couch, with knit blankets and held hands, shaking, tear-filled voices. One moment they are eating pizza and applesauce, and the next they are learning that they were going to have a sister but that she has died.
Their questions and statements were profound. To see our sweet, emotionally in-tune daughter ask such deep questions was beautiful. To hear our son’s logical, intelligent mind work through this was a wonder. When I told the kids they could say goodbye to Maggie, as she was still in my tummy until tomorrow, they just looked at me with confusion and said, “But Mommy, she is already in Heaven. It is just her body in your tummy.”
They know and they understand. These bodies are just temporary. Her body isn’t needed anymore; Maggie is very much alive.
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I am listening to the clock ticking in this cocoon of a room where nothing has to change or be expected of me yet. This room has been filled with tears. It has had some laughs. It has had so many hugs and held hands. It has brought me stale bread and yummy snacks. I have stared at the beautiful bouquet of flowers and portrait of Jesus holding the little children countless times. It will be a core memory with this room.
In this room, I labored. In this room, I met my daughter. I have held Maggie, kissed her goodbye, and held my husband. In this room, I have felt the physical reminders of labor and loss every day. This room has allowed me to face the entrance to the path of grief with a rawness and gentleness I praise God for so much. In the trauma and pain, I have not once felt belittled or misunderstood. I have only felt compassion, kindness, and overflowing love through each person and experience here. I am so grateful for this room- one that acquainted me with death and life in a whole new way.
I hold the treasures of the messages, the prayers, and the Scriptures that have been poured out onto me and JB. My mind cannot process all the words, all the Truths, but my heart feels it. In this time of what feels like impossible mental gymnastics, I feel grounded because of my faith. And I feel held by God because of everyone around me.
What has caused just as many tears as the grief and mourning is the overwhelming gratitude for the love and generosity of so many around us. God has shown up through His people, and every meal, donation, kind word, or gift has turned my tears into a fountain overflowing. I am blown away, experiencing the wonder of living in the reality of God’s design for His people- to come together in harmony to hold one another up in good times and hard times. To be His hands and feet. I feel His love so deeply through everyone.
I also feel the answered prayers with my delivery experience. God answered all of them. I am blown away.
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It is still too hard to face, though. The “why.” Not the Big Why…the practical, human “why.” What changed where we saw our baby girl healthy and moving, heart beating on a Thursday evening, and by Saturday, she was gone? Our doctor is just as confused as we are. 16 weeks along with no indication of what happened. If I didn’t know with my whole being that God is the Author of our days and has them all written in His book, I would lose myself in this confusion, circling down a drain of madness, guilt, and anger. But He knew the plans He had for her, and He is good. Two simple but profound truths that change everything.
God promises suffering for all of us while we are in this world. He also promises His presence. I came into this pregnancy with eyes wide open to this, knowing that loss happens to so many parents. I saw God transform my fears to peace, my waiting to patience. These are not things I could have mustered up from within myself; I am an anxious pregnant mom- the lack of control over any part of it has always been staggering.
These moments of deep peace and trust were gracious gifts from Him as I spent time in His Word and in His presence. He and I will have to wrestle through this together for months and years to come, but I don’t fear that or even begrudge it. I know He welcomes my questions and hurts. I know He is well acquainted with our sorrows; He gave His life to redeem them. To redeem me and set me right.
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I know people sometimes say they don’t want time to pass because it feels like the canyon between their loved one who is gone and today’s present reality grows more vast every day, taking with it the memories and moments that they do not want forgotten. And while I do not want to forget any of the special moments- finding out we were pregnant, sharing the news with our kids and loved ones, picking out nursery themes and watching my belly start to grow- I also want more distance between this week and the rest of my life.
It hurts to know that 6 days ago, I saw Margaret alive and well on a screen. I felt her move. And if my weary brain while in its processing gets a bit stuck, I can tell myself that if I just stay closer to that last time I saw her and felt her alive, then maybe it did not happen. Maybe these twinges I feel even now as my body adjusts to its new state of being are actually her kicks. And while it would be nice to live in that dream state, it is too painful to then come out of.
I have spent time agonizing over wondering when the moment was when we lost her. Was it when I was playing the recorder for my little students? Was it while I was sleeping? At my daughter’s basketball practice? Was that why I felt so off last weekend and so very tired? So many questions.
Where was I when it happened? I don’t know. But I know where she was the moment it happened- from my comforting womb of love to an eternity of joy, light, and the care of the One who created her and loves her more than I can even imagine.
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There are moments where grief hits you unexpectedly. I don’t really see the need to wear makeup for quite a while because I know this. But we are still in the pocket of everything being painful. Today, we will pick out an urn for our daughter. Today, we need to call our insurance benefits to try to get our hospital stay covered and to try to get some time off from work partially paid for so this is not as catastrophic financially. Today, I will weep in front of strangers and make decisions I never thought I would and do not feel prepared for. And that is okay.
Today, we come home to our house without our baby in a car seat. With tears and a flat stomach. But we also get to hug our kids and come together as a family to heal.
Today will be a hard day, as each day has been since Sunday.
Every “today” will be hard for a while, and I know that is okay.
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