Well, here I am in my second urgent care of the week, hoping to be seen, hoping I have strep throat so I can get antibiotics and feel better.
I am a horrible sick person. I pout. I want to be snuggled and waited upon. I get sad being away from people and laying in bed all day. My emotions tend to turn sour very quickly, and I know this about myself, yet I am surprised every time! My defenses are down, and I’m not able to put up the same fight I usually do.
I turn to self-pity. Oh, the pity parties!!! I want everyone’s pity when I’m sick- also when my kids are sick, my husband is sick, my car is cold, I smeared toothpaste on the bathroom counter, I stubbed my toe….okay, not really. But this time of hardship has definitely woken me up to how much stock I put in other people's thoughts and actions toward me when life is hard.
It has been an amazing Fall in some incredible ways. Our kids are darling. I just absolutely adore them and love seeing them grow up! They are so happy and silly and sweet and fun (aside from the typical emotional rollercoasters of being toddlers, of course lol).
I have LOVED working with my students again and making music! We had such amazing, momentous Fall concerts that brought so much joy back.
Our kids started daycare at a wonderful Christian daycare we never thought we’d be able to get into, but God opened those doors! And the kids love it.
But of course, with both me and JB being teachers back in the classroom and our kids starting daycare for the first time after we all stayed isolated for so long, the germs are having a welcome-back party, a parade, AND a flash mob all at the same time. And it seems like we are hosting the celebrations.
The Fall concerts I had were amazing, but my kids were home with JB because they had RSV. Which was alongside their ear infections two different times, pink eye for Emma, random fevers, colds, etc.. Without pulling out a calendar, I can confidently say that we have not gone two full weeks since school started when one of the four of us hasn’t been sick. And we all know, sickness in young families wreaks havoc on routines and ability to function well. The walls feel like they are closing in- possibly because of the crumpled tissues everywhere.
And yet, we are so not alone in this. I have coworkers in the same boat. Not many of us have babies or toddlers, so it’s pretty obvious why a few of us have been absent so much.
And then my poor students and their families! So many long-term absences; so much sickness and loss and stress of missing weeks of school and having to play catch up.
It’s easy for me to forget the difficulty of this whole teaching in 2021 thing. Of this whole raising kids in 2021 thing. Of this- I don’t know…being human in 2021 thing! When I or my family are down for the count for days on end, it can feel isolating and so heavy. Just so hard.
But where am I turning to in it all? What truths am I covering myself with, like the fuzzy blankets I stock up on and hoard all over our living room?
I’ve been believing a whole lot of lies in these moments of hardship, and I tell you what- they are not helpful to hold onto when I already feel beaten down! So it’s time I go to battle.
I am an achiever. I am competitive. I compare myself to others a lot, which was trained in me as an identical twin- both self-trained and world-trained. So when I log into my employee account and see that I have already missed 15 days of school this year due to family illness, I feel like I am failing my students. And my principals. And my poor administrative assistants who have to scramble and put someone (often a coworker who has to use their planning time to cover my class) in my classroom.
Oh, but what about the fact that we are still living through a pandemic, and I’m required to stay home if I don’t feel well, or keep my kids home if they don’t feel well? Right. I forget that.
I just decide to take it upon myself to feel guilty, which feels SUPER silly as I write this out (that’s partly why I’m doing this!).
But during this last round of me being down for the count, I’ve started to realize other lies I’ve been chasing. I put way too much pressure on myself as an orchestra teacher. I have been stressing myself out, trying to plan an amazing orchestra trip for my students. Trying to gather parent support (which I have realized is totally worth the struggle so I can delegate), plan awesome field trips, design and order sweatshirts, plan epic concerts…these are all great things, but I am learning more about how to best use my time and talents for my students.
I have had time this week to step away and identify what is making me feel like my job is impossible at times. Don’t get me wrong, no matter what, teaching is really hard right now. I didn’t expect to be struggling so much six years in. It’s a hard time to work and live.
However, I have been building up the responsibilities of my job and have been taking on too much for the life stage I am in, making myself incredibly stressed out.
And the working-full-time-while-being-a-mom-of-little-ones box combo has pushed me to my limit, and I’m not even enjoying the flavors and experience of it right now.
A key lie I am replacing with truth: Being stressed out about something or someone doesn’t equate to how much I care about them. I don’t have to just be stressed out and sulk. I should pray and make changes where God leads.
Verse:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
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God is a Much Better Driver Than I Am...As Are Most People
Let’s get into some more truth-telling.
I have been wrestling a lot this week with my need to work and having my kids in childcare. But I’m coming to realize that this struggle, the grumbling and aching in my heart isn’t about my station in life. Not the specifics. It’s all about a deeper question.
Am I trusting that God is leading me in life- that He has me where he wants me?
It’s just like when I get all worked up about wanting to go on epic family adventures over the weekend (bless poor JB’s heart…I do not rest well!), but on a much deeper level. I look left and right. I compare, and I pity myself. I don’t seek God. I sort of forget that He has…well, a plan for me. For my good. And that He loves me. That He loves me so much that He died for me. Oh, and even when things are hard, He is working on my behalf and is with me. And that even things that seem downright awful on my end- that might cause my weary soul to question if He really cares for me- can be used to glorify Him and grow closer to Him if I open my heart to it.
So, when I doubt my entire lot in life in this exact moment, is that questioning a spirit-stirring from God, or is it my emotions and my fears?
Verse: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4
On that topic, it is so important to have support and encouragement from others. But no matter what, God needs to be my foundation. My Rock. I can’t let other people’s advice or my emotions take place of the Holy Spirit.
When I fall apart over the demands of life with a job and kids, many loving friends ask if I can cut back my hours. Don’t get me wrong- I ask myself that, too! But I tend to just stay there and not bring any of those stressed-out, panicked questions and fears to God. No matter the physical outcome, when my heart is in this frenzied state, He needs to be the only anchor. Nothing else works, nothing else matters.
I realize over and over that no matter what, God is the Friend I ultimately need to seek. I want to be in a place where I am daily praying for God to do a mighty work in my life. It might not be a physical change in my schedule (because I really don’t see that happening with our financial needs and dreams); I may just need to, once again, ask for a heart change.
All that being said, honesty and support and friendship are so important, especially in trying times. I’ve loved, loved, loved reading the comments on my Facebook post I made a few days ago. Such great advice and encouragement! I not only learned from others, but I just felt encouraged to know I wasn’t alone and that I can share my humanity, even on…gasp…social media.
One thing that resonated with me- You can’t make decisions when you’re down- about yourself, or about life. So true. And to take that one step further, I can’t make those decisions when I’m down, but I have a Creator who already tells me who I am.
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I Am Not "Working Mom Barbie". He Has a Specific Calling on My Life
Lie: I need to keep up with others. My husband, coworkers, the fictional working mom in my head.
Truth: God has a specific calling on my life. Identical twin or not; having coworkers who are also moms and are doing it differently or not; having a job that is similar to my husband's or not…it’s all unique for each of us. And how I live out the convictions God has given me also makes me unique. I have a role to play, and it is different than any other person’s.
Also, the fictional working mom who is never pushed to her limit….Yeah, she doesn’t exist!
Verse:
“For as in one body we have many parts, and the parts do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually parts one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…
Romans 12:4-6
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Onto another lie and truth:
Lie: Weakness is a bad thing.
Truth: God can and will use it! I’m not supposed to be able to handle the hard things in life. I need Him. He does give us more than we can handle- because we’re not supposed to handle it all.
Verse: “Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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Stop Caring What Others Think. They Need The Gospel, Too.
Lie: Everyone is judging me for my decisions.
Truth: Who has time for that?! And if they are judging me, that is something for them to wrestle with. But seriously, stop being self-absorbed, Ruth. People have their own stuff going on. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Verse: “For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.”
1 Thessalonians 2:4
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Jesus is With Us...In the Green Grass and the Dirty Carpets
Lie: I have the hardest lot in life, being a working mom. Or an Alaska resident. Or a wife to an amazing, hard-working man. Or an isolated parent due to household illnesses.
Truth: The grass always seems greener. It’s not true. Life…well, it sucks sometimes. It’s hard. We need Jesus. And Jesus lived an incredibly difficult, painful, exhausting life. All for me. He gets it. Talk to Him about it.
Verses:
“For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?”
1 Corinthians 4:7
“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”
Psalm 138:8
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
James 1:17
“He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.”
Isaiah 53:3, 5
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So, my parting thoughts of the day are more of exhortations to myself (as is this whole post!):
God is calling me to actually live out what He says; it’s supposed to be hard! I am an imperfect human in need of grace, which I already rarely give to myself. What if I stop pouting and fuming and run to Him? Find solace and comfort in Him? He is my purpose. I can’t run away from myself or from my situations- from the hard. But what if these struggles- both the internal and external ones- help me be more secure in my calling? In where He has me?
Thanks for hanging in there through the mess of my heart and the snottiness of my head! Cheering you on, too. ❤️
Love, Joy, and Sweetness
