Revelations from a Snot-Filled Mind

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”

I am currently sitting in bed with a bag full of tissues on the floor beside me, and a heating pad warming my very sore back. Three guesses for why I’m not at school? Ahh, the tradition prevails- I am sick once again! This may be the seventh time this school year, but I still have such faith that I will have the immune system of...well, someone who has a strong immune system, after this! There are some silver linings: this has given me the chance to prepare for my trip to Ketchikan that begins tomorrow morning at 1am (I’ll talk more about this later!) and to catch up on missed sleep over a fantastic folky weekend. And to write a long blog post (prepare yourselves, people!)!

This post has a central theme to it: the growth mindset. I mentioned this concept long ago, so let me give you a little refresher. The “growth mindset” is a term coined by psychological researcher, Carol Dweck, and it embraces this idea of “not yet”- you don’t understand it yet. You don’t know how to do it yet. She believes that people do not have a fixed intelligence; we become smarter each time we apply some grit and push ourselves to learn something new. As I see the days just fly by in the final months of this program, I can clearly see the bright colors of the growth mindset shading my entire experience this year.

Me and the quartet performing at Folk Fest. Thanks so much for the screenshot, Rachel!!

First, let’s talk about me being a teacher. To some of my friends and family members, they felt this career choice was inevitable. Both of my parents are teachers in varying settings, as are or were many of my extended family members (shout-out to Grandaddy and Aunt Nancy!). In addition to that, people clearly see my love for children of all ages when I am around them. I enjoy getting to know them and playing tag with them. Most days, I’d actually rather do all that than get up and teach them! And yet, becoming a teacher is the way in which I get to spend time with these lovely little and big ones. It has also allowed me to use my maternal instincts, along with my expertise of music and the other skills I possess. I didn’t see it coming, but I am really enjoying being a teacher. It took me a while, though, and a lot of that growth had to do with overcoming my fixed mindset. Teaching when you’re new to it is terrifying! I had a lot of insecurities and fears to overcome before I could feel confident implementing a fluid lesson in front of a large group of kids. I had so many “what if” questions: “What if this really bad thing happens in the classroom, and I don’t know how to handle it? What if I hurt a student’s feelings or somehow emotionally scar them for life?!”. I also had visions of kids chasing me, crying, out of the classroom. I had no idea what to expect. As I have settled into this new view of myself, I have become more comfortable with my students and have discovered some of my strengths and strong interests. It took going to Unalakleet and coming back to work with my Juneau kids to realize that I really love working with high school orchestras. Orchestra has been my life for almost 15 years. I know what it looks like to play in an orchestra in the real world, and I know what it takes to get there. And I enjoy working with high schoolers because they are able to understand advanced musical concepts, and I can also have deeper conversations and connections with them. I have watched my small orchestra of 20 students transform from a very reserved (well, let’s just be honest- they were dead-quiet) group to a lively, smiling ensemble full of musicians who can pinpoint the spots we need to work on in our pieces and can even explain how to fix what we are doing. I can’t take all the credit because it is a mutual effort, but I know that my lively, humorous, and caring personality, as well as my modeling of how to be a participating orchestra member has brought a lot of that out. It excites me so much! It also excites me to see how I have grown into my shell and have discovered my teaching personality. Both my parents and my university observer were able to witness me teach my orchestra, and they all commented on my level of comfort and engagement with my students. It’s a natural fit!

And that is why, although I sort of still feel like death, I am excited to board a 36-hour ferry with my high school students to participate in MusicFest. MusicFest is an annual Region V music festival that will give our students a chance to interact with other musicians in Southeast Alaska and perform for adjudicators. My orchestra and I are signed up to perform our four pieces from our concert a few weeks ago, and I am also signed up to teach a lower strings technique class and a performance class (the performance class will be a collaboration between me, Lindsay, and Sophia, so I am excited about that!). I will be in Ketchikan from Wednesday until Friday and am then flying out Friday to make it back for Symphony rehearsal Friday night because our concerts are next Saturday and Sunday! It will be an exhausting but awesome week of music.

Now, all of this isn’t to say that I haven’t enjoyed working with elementary schoolers!! Elementary schoolers bring a different spice to life. They are curious, energetic, adorable, and loving. I still stand by my resolution that kinder hugs can heal any wound (and maybe cure sickness?! Although, I’m sad to say that I think sometimes they cause the sickness…). And there is something very special about guiding young children along in the beginning of their musical journey. What a special time! I have particularly enjoyed working with the violists, cellists, and bassists in JAMM because I feel a deep connection to all of those instruments. And here is another example of a growth mindset: last Friday, Sophia had to stay home sick (I’m pretty sure I gave her the cold I had earlier last week, and once she felt better, it was my turn to get it again, except this time it’s been much worse!). Well, we had all our JAMM kids in classes throughout the day, which included two groups of violists: a trio of third graders, and a larger group of fourth and fifth graders. And Sophia is our viola teacher. So I volunteered to not only work with the violists in a sectional on a new piece they just got, but I also took a stab at sight-reading the viola part so we could perform the new piece as a quartet!! Would I have ever volunteered to do something that could potentially be that embarrassing before this year?! Probably not. But it wasn’t about me- it was about providing a quality example of flexibility and determination to my students. And I’m not going to lie, it was a pretty impressive read-through for me!!! And it definitely made my viola-playing sisters proud. :)

I definitely realized why my parents wanted me to choose
cello over the bass in third grade! MAN, it's heavy!!

Speaking of being adaptable enough to pick up new instruments, I carried on the theme this weekend by giving the upright bass a try in the quartet’s performance at Folk Fest! Folk Fest is a long-standing Juneau tradition (this was its 42nd year) where musicians from all over Alaska and the Lower 48 come together to jam, dance, perform, and hang out together for a week. The entire festival is free, and anyone can apply to perform for 15 minutes on the main stage. The festival also brings in top-notch folk bands from around the country as guest artists. So, the quartet signed up and performed our set yesterday afternoon! It had been a busy week, so we put it all together the day before. And we pulled it off! It was an absolute blast. I played the bass and the violin, and the other girls also played multiple instruments that were not their primary ones (although I have to say, all three of the girls are absolute fiddle beasts!!). We also jammed in the hallway of the main building the night before and got to meet some super cool musicians. I got to hear so many amazing acts (live and on the online webcast!), and I danced until I was dead-tired. I am incredibly impressed by the vibrant music scene Juneau has. This event was unlike any other I had ever seen- everywhere you walked downtown, there were bands performing and people dancing. There were free workshops and instrument swaps during the day. It was just amazing. And again, I just have to think, would I ever have been comfortable with getting up and playing these two instruments I just learned this year on a stage? No! Check out the video of our dress rehearsal below. :)

So, those are just a few of the exciting moments and reflections I’ve experienced this week. I picked up my cap and gown the other day, and as I’ve let them hang in my closet, I’ve had dreams of putting on that Master’s hood and walking on the stage to receive my diploma (or maybe it’ll just be an empty cover, since I’m not actually done until August!). It just all feels so surreal. This program has been the best thing I have done with my life so far. I have seen myself grow and change in many professional and personal ways. Although I still don’t have a clear sense of my next step, I feel more confident that it will be the next adventurous step in the right direction because of the gifts and passions I’ve discovered within myself. And that never could have happened without me first making that big leap of faith, and especially without the incredible support of my friends and family and the mentorship of Lorrie, Tyree, and my fellow quartet members. You have all been with me in this journey and have helped me see the shining excitement in taking scary steps. I can’t wait to see how I will grow another year from now!

A beautiful Juneau evening. :)