2019 to 2020-Part 2: Becoming a socially-distanced mom of two…

I was in my third trimester of pregnancy with Ethan when the COVID shutdown occurred. It was the end of March, and I was stressing so much about working to the end of my pregnancy again. I remembered how difficult it was with Emma, and I dreaded having to do that while taking care of a toddler, while finishing my first year in a new position with a lot more performance responsibilities, and while my husband was working on his Master’s degree online and was entering his extremely involved soccer season. 

And then, I suddenly went from standing on the edge of my busiest time of life to the most schedule-emptied, family-filled season I have ever experienced. 

JB and I met in a season where we thought we were busy, but it only escalated from there. Man, for a person who hates the word “busy”, I sure use it a lot….

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about the specifics of COVID. But I will share about how it changed things for my family. And I recognize that for a lot of people and families, COVID has brought great destruction, stress, financial ruin, and devastation to people. I see you, I love you, and I’m praying for you. 

There have been some very hard moments, decisions, conversations, and situations because of COVID for me. There has also been a lot of growth and deepening of my relationships, especially my relationship with Jesus. I will have a whole separate post about those reflections. 

God taught me a lot and strengthened me a lot through the end of my pregnancy while in a pandemic. Sweet Ethan Michael was born in June 2, 2020. I was induced again at 39 weeks, and the delivery went smoothly. Way faster than Emma’s! But I did end up back in the hospital with preeclampsia a few days after we came home. It was scary and devastating. I bawled as I checked my blood pressure and saw it was 171/97. I held Ethan and just sobbed. Emma was asleep, and we called JB’s sweet mom over to stay with the kids as JB drove me to our nearest hospital. As I let go of Ethan, unsure of how long it would be before I could see him due to COVID restrictions- stressing about how he will eat when I had been breastfeeding him- I felt my heart break. But as soon as I walked into the ER (the same one I had stumbled into a year and a half before with mastitis), I felt a wave of peace. God was with me. He had used this same hospital in the past to bring me healing, and He would do the same now. I just felt it. 

As soon as I checked in, God gave me more gentle reminders that He was with me. Each nurse that I interacted with had a name that was special to me – one was even named Ruth! We joked about how we only meet old ladies with our names these days as she put in my IV. They were all so kind and loving. Throughout giving birth and JB‘s surgeries and my hospitalization, I am 100% certain that nurses are the hands and feet of Jesus. No doubt. 

Once the OB came in, she reassured me that JB and Ethan could come and be with me for the couple days that I would need to have the magnesium sulfate treatment for my blood pressure. I felt a huge wave of relief and joy when I heard that; nothing else mattered. I would be reunited with my son who I had just carried for nearly a year, and my daughter was in good hands with my mother-in-law.

 My doctor showed her commitment to my care in her own quirky way, wheeling me from the ER to the mother-baby unit herself so that I wouldn’t have to wait in the ER for hours. There were lots of rough turns and a couple bumps along the way, and she kept saying, “Excuse me for my poor driving; I need a license to operate this thing”. Moments like that throughout those next two days as my vision blurred, my headaches were all-consuming, and I was helplessly bedridden brought me so much joy and peace. JB took amazing care of me, and Ethan was such a comfort to me as he snoozed on my chest. 

We returned home and could finally be a family of four. I was nervous about my blood pressure for the first few months after recovery, but I remained on medicine and my body adjusted well. It was a defining time because of that experience, but also because of the sweet new life that we brought into our home. All of a sudden, our toddler was a big sister, and we had a sweet baby boy. A lot of things felt much easier this time around; some things felt harder. It’s funny how now after having two kids, one kid feels like a breeze…!!! I have learned much more about motherhood, my identity, clinging to Jesus in the exhaustion than ever before. 

But that’s for another day. :)

During all of this, I was teaching orchestra from home…which was a huge adjustment, but there has been a lot of sweetness and a LOT of learning from it. I love using technology as a music teacher, I love that I’ve been able to get to know my students better, and I love wearing sweatpants…so it hasn’t been all bad! 😂 I have also had time- time to do laundry, time with my kids instead of being on the road, time at the end of the day where I have more to give to my family because I have not been on my feet all day. There have been many blessings for us, although I know that’s not the case for all.

So wow, that catches us up to now! A few weeks ago, JB had another (much less invasive) surgery on his knee after his ACL surgery caused some issues. It was a huge success! And now I am weeks away from finishing up my third quarter of online orchestra. I’m also weeks away from seeing my family for the first time in 18 months! 

I am absolutely blown away by all that God has done- all that He has given me, all the change He has been faithfully walking with me through, all the lessons I’ve learned. 

Thanks for hanging in there with me. 🥰 I am so excited to delve into specific topics or moments in my future posts!

2019 to 2020- Part 1: A New Job and a New Normal

I’m writing these posts all in a row while Emma and Ethan nap, and I’m now realizing how MUCH change JB and I have been through...phew!!! It really helps me to give more grace to my past self- something I’m not great at. 

Well, we settled into life as parents. And I was head over heels for Emma her entire first year of life. She could do NO wrong; I was enamored. Late nights, continuous breastfeeding and pumping stresses, falling asleep at 7:30 after a long day- it was a lot to adjust to, but I couldn’t get enough of our time together. And then she became a toddler. 

Okay, that sounds really bad and I may have emphasized that for dramatic effect, but as soon as Emma turned 18 months old, I started to realize that not EVERY moment with a little love was “fun”. It was hard and exhausting and sometimes didn’t feel very rewarding. I questioned why I felt that way and beat myself up. “You have such an easy child (true)- she’s a great sleeper, an absolute sweetheart, so kind, a good eater; you shouldn’t ever want alone time!”. And that was the 4,765th lie Ruth Schwartz ever told herself. Actually, I’m sure there have been WAY more than that! 😂

That stage really marked the beginning of my growth in understanding that 1) Love is not determined by emotions, 2) Being a parent is hard and it’s okay to say that, and 3) My feelings don’t run the show (shoutout to my incredible twin, Rachel, who wrote an amazing song with those exact lyrics in it). It was a time of true growth. 

Speaking of growth, I changed to a new position in ASD my fourth year of teaching and became a middle school and high school orchestra teacher. This was a HUGE change for me. I went from teaching the same three lessons at seven different schools each week to five different classes a day. And I was very new (and still am!) to conducting and teaching advanced concepts to older students. But it was a leap of faith and has 100% been the right choice. I only teach at 2 schools now that feed into one another, so I have the same students in my orchestra from grades 6-12. It’s really special! The kids, parents, and staff at my schools are amazingly kind and caring. AND I commute 30 minutes to my school instead of 60. It has been a huge blessing. 

My desk at my middle school, Mirror Lake!

JB also became head coach of the Varsity soccer team at Wasilla High School in this time frame, which was very rewarding and a lot of work. It was a busy life! 

We also knew we wanted to have another little one close after Emma, so Ethan...here is your cue! 

2019-2020...part 2! 

2018 to 2019: Ruth and JB become parents!

Our adorable Emma B. was born on October 20, 2018 (not a Tuesday). She was beautiful from the moment she was born- big blue eyes, sweet little fingers, and lots of hair. All of those things are still true! I had one year of marriage under my belt and six weeks of paid maternity leave (I’ve come to realize what a blessing even just six weeks paid is…) for me to figure out this entirely new family dynamic and my new role. I was forever changed when we had Emma, and I didn’t realize it yet. Becoming a parent truly changes everything. I was induced at 39 weeks because I had elevated blood pressure in my final trimester of pregnancy. My high blood pressure was the first of many things in motherhood that I carried around as an unnecessary weight. I beat myself up and told myself it was somehow my fault: I got too stressed, I ate too much salt, I didn’t walk enough. Even though I got 10,000 steps a day as a teacher and ate a fairly healthy diet (I mean, ice cream cures many ailments...I’m convinced), I couldn’t let go of the guilt. I felt like it was my fault that I wasn’t getting the “perfect birth plan” I could brag about on social media. Yup, NOT good life goals, folks. I have learned SO much since then about how messy life and motherhood are and that birth is another broken experience in a broken world that God makes beautiful- because out of the suffering, the fear, the sleepless nights and pain of recovery- pain unlike anything I had experienced before- comes this sweet, cuddly, stunning child of God. A new piece of His workmanship. A beautiful sheep I am called to love and shepherd. And a sweet, silly girl who I get to play dress up and dollhouse with.

So Emma was born after a very smooth induction process, and I soaked up every minute of those six weeks with her before returning to the grind- commuting, driving to 7 schools and lugging around a bunch of instruments, balancing it all, and pumping. Before I returned to work, there was a tear-filled Thanksgiving trip to the ER because of mastitis and a 7.1-magnitude earthquake. It was an eventful month. 😂

I told myself not to cry when I dropped Emma off at my wonderful, amazing mother-in-law’s house on day 1. And I didn’t. I held in the sadness and bitterness of having to work full-time while having a baby for a quite a while. And I even held onto it. It has not been since being pregnant with and having sweet baby Ethan in the past year that I have let go of my grasp on the frustration and bitterness toward that aspect of my life and learned to praise God in my unique circumstances. I still have my moments and days where it is a struggle, but God has taught me a lot, and there will be plenty of future posts that share more about that.

But yeah, the main image I want to leave you with for 2018-2019: me driving down the Alaskan Glenn Highway, pumping and speeding. Potentially flashing a few poor drivers by accident. Okay, bad image to leave you with….

On to 2019-2020!! We’re getting there!

2017 to 2018: A Year of Love, Change, and The Cutest Change of All

Before I resurrected my blog, I read through the scribbled writings I had from the last few years to get an idea of where my heart and head were. It was so bittersweet to read my writing going into the New Year of 2017. I was ridiculously happy but also processing the whirlwind of romance and change that had happened in the previous 6 months. And I felt guilty for feeling any negative emotions because I was living my dream, and I told myself I wasn’t allowed to feel anything but euphoria. 

I wish I could give younger Ruth a hug and a new fuzzy blanket (because blankets make everything better), but I just had to learn. Life is not black and white, and we will often feel two “conflicting” emotions at the same time. Accept that, give it to Jesus, and don’t beat yourself up and waste your breath trying to analyze over and over what’s “wrong”. Change- even wonderful, beautiful, sweet change!- is hard. 

So I had those moments. Moments where I was trying to see straight after a spinning world-shift of marriage, moving to Palmer and becoming a homeowner with my dear JB, becoming  a commuter, a cook (I will forever hate cooking...it’s time I just say it), a member of a new church and friend group. It was a lot, and I had moments where I felt like my former self was gone. And in some wonderful ways, the single, I-can-do-whatever-I-want Ruth was gone. 

Kayaking on our honeymoon! JB had sunscreen in his eyes
the whole time hahaha!

But it was such a sweet first year of marriage! JB and I communicated well from the beginning. We laughed a LOT. Ate a lot of pizza, watched a lot of fun shows and movies together...it was like an endless slumber party. It was and continues to be SO fun. Now there are just a lot more diapers involved. Well, I should clarify there were NO diapers involved before kids, but you never know. 

We found out we were pregnant with Emma six months into marriage- about six months earlier than we had planned. But goodness gracious, we couldn’t imagine things happening any other way! 

JB had ACL surgery soon after we found out I was pregnant, so we began to live out our “in sickness and health” vows early on from both directions. And we grew a lot through it all- his recovery, my pregnancy, my high blood pressure in pregnancy, and my induction with Emma. 

Up next...2018-2019: Ruth and JB become parents!

2016 to 2017: The Year of Love and Shoulder Rests

I am a big sap. My husband, JB, can attest to this. We were in the car the other week, and I put on a new love song. It brought butterflies to my stomach all over again as I reflected on how much JB and I have been through and the life we’ve built together since our first winter together. I turned to him and said, “Is this our new love song?!” with smiley tears (you just had to be there to understand what those are) in my eyes. He laughed, rolled his eyes, and smiled at me as he always does. Because as he says, I bring color to his life, and that was another classic “cheesy Ruth” moment where I did just that.

But someone who isn’t quite as whimsical as I am would STILL think this is pretty amazing: JB and I got married exactly two years after I moved to Alaska, and I had no idea for the longest time that it was the same date. Also, Tuesday’s are special...I’ll talk about those. :) My plan with these next few posts is to recap one year at a time, starting from July 25, 2016 to July 25, 2017- our wedding day. Anyone who knows me (especially blessed JB) knows I can talk for hours without stopping...So pray for me.

The year was 2016. (Insert mystery book plot here). I wrote my final post in the Juneau chapter of my Alaskan adventure on July 25th and began my new life in Anchorage. My dear friend, Sophia, and I roadtripped up, and I was so excited for my new adventure in a “big city” (sorry, but it still doesn’t compare to the size of a city in the Lower 48!). A few weeks later was my 23rd birthday, and I found myself living alone for the first time, just days away from starting my first teaching job, making new friends, but missing home...even though I didn't really know where "home" was anymore.

Those first few months of living in a new place, truly learning how to drive (yes, yes, yes...the secret is OUT!), and dating, were tough and exciting. I missed my family and I missed the familiarity of Juneau and Chicago and anywhere else I had gone before. But I kept putting myself out there, went to Bible studies, made friends, got to know coworkers, and settled into my new life.

2016 to 2017 was marked with two big things: experiencing life as a first-year teacher, and meeting JB. I’ll leave JB for second- best for last. :)

Being a first-year teacher...well, if anyone reading this is a teacher, you know...it was rougheroni. I would come home at 4:30 and fall asleep for the night. I was stressed, I was staying up late doing lesson plans, learning how to play instruments on the job, and comparing myself to veteran teachers left and right. I definitely cried on the shoulder of an older teacher who came in to give me feedback one day. I also got pneumonia (which ties into my story with JB). But I also became really close with my students and grew in my knowledge of orchestra pedagogy like crazy.

I had a job for my first 3 years with the Anchorage School District where I traveled to 7 different schools throughout the week and taught 45-minute orchestra classes to sixth graders. All my students were brand new to playing violin, viola, cello, and bass. It was SO special to see them fall in love with their instruments for the first time! It was also really rough when certain classes felt like a scene from a horror movie, and students were ripping up referral sheets and refusing to go to the office. Or when students were punching each other in the face on the day my boss was observing me. You win some, and you really, really lose some...haha. I refused to give up, and I tried to win over every student every day. Most days it was exhausting and not what I expected when I thought about becoming a teacher, but I don’t regret a minute of it. And now I understand my teaching style...and how to hold a violin a lot better. Oh, and how to read the dreaded alto clef (sorry, viola-playing sisters, but alto clef is so weird!!).

My job was amazing, but I longed to meet my life partner and start a family so badly. So began a series of laughable, frustrating, ridiculous dates and experiences that led me to go online. I saw JB’s profile after 3 weeks of being on eHarmony and ChristianMingle- we were matched on both!- and was immediately floored by how much we had in common...both Jesus lovers, teachers, and joyful people. I messaged him and didn’t hear back for a few days. As soon as he messaged me he explained his subscription had run out but the site gave him a trial day to come back, and he saw my message and immediately reached out. So we messaged back and forth, and it was so clear to me that he is a man who follows God in faith out onto the scary waters- leaving his first career in sales to become a teacher, moving to Alaska to be with his family. It amazed me. We Skyped right around New Years Day of 2017, had our first date on January 10th, were engaged just four weeks later (haha!) on Valentine’s Day, and were married 5 months later on July 25, 2017.

We chose that date because it worked best for our families’ schedules while traveling to Alaska. I didn’t realize until reading back through old journal entries while we were engaged that we had chosen the date that was exactly 2 years after I moved to Alaska. I gawked and smile-cried, and JB rolled his eyes (and then smiled). We had our first date on a Tuesday and were married on a Tuesday. Our son, Ethan, was born on a Tuesday. Our older daughter, Emma...well, she was born on a Saturday...but we still love her just as much. And JB actually had forgotten that detail and did tell people Emma was also born on a Tuesday. Until I awkwardly corrected him in front of our friends. But it’s all so beautiful and makes me “smile cry” when I think about the beauty of it.

JB met me at a time where I was very much figuring out who I was on my own. I had trust issues and deep pain from past relationships. I was scared and excited to be a wife. And I never, ever thought I would fall in love with my future husband so quickly. But it was exactly like I have heard others say: “We just knew.” And I am so thankful for that because a lot of change, that quickly...phew, it took a while for me to catch up!

Up next: 2017-2018...A Year of Love, Change, and The Cutest Change of All

I Don't Know What I'm Doing!

Have you ever had thoughts floating around in your head for weeks, but every time the slightest opportunity came to sit down and get them out you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it? Yup, that was me the past few weeks. The truth is, I have been meaning to rekindle my blog for years now, but it really hit me a few weeks ago: I feel ready to do it. Let me explain more.

My life is full of so much joy and so many diapers right now, and I love it! But it’s busy- a word I have come to loathe. Up until last March, it was very busy and fast-paced. I often look back at the 3 years I taught full-time, commuted an hour each way, and took care of a little one and truly wonder how I did it. When I think deeply about it, there were a lot of hard mornings. Mornings where I was choking back tears as I drove down the dark highway to school, exhausted and missing my baby girl, but also excited to see my students and be out of the house. It was such a big adjustment becoming a mom and figuring out how to be a good teacher at the same time, and I can now look back and see that much clearer.

So the busyness of life got to me. But I also felt like I was a very messy work-in-progress as I leapt from one big life stage to another, and I didn’t even know which words to use. Do you know what I mean? Have you had those moments where you look at a situation or stage in life and you feel so filled up with joy and gratitude over it all and you are filled with peace? But then the next day or next month, you look at all of it and everything feels so messy and difficult and unexplainable and you don’t know how this could have ever been your dream? Our words have power and sway over our views of our life. And I didn’t have enough clarity on adjusting to marriage, motherhood, teaching, working while being a mom, shifting from playing for hours every day to an hour a week, to know what to say.

Just a few years down the road, and I’m still very much a walking experiment on how many kids a person can take care of without drinking caffeine, and I don’t have great “quick fixes” or words of advice to offer- which I totally thought I needed for a while. But instead of striving for perfection, especially the appearance of perfection online, I am going for it- fragmented phrases, mushy mom brain and all. I am not a theologian; I am not a scholar or an expert on literally any life topic. But I enjoy writing, and I hope my posts bring you some laughter and a sense of familiarity as you read. And perfection is not what I am striving for in my writing or in life.

Is this just another mom blog- just another lady writing about the joys and difficulties of raising little beings? Or is it a blog about balancing working full-time while having children? Or a blog about my sweet, humor-filled marriage? ...or is it a blog about chasing for something other than the spotlight as a performer? Letting go of perfectionism and running to Jesus’ love? Or about losing my identity in Christ, only to gain it? Or just about fun adventures in my beautiful state?

It is all of those things. I have an extraordinary life that is filled with lots of mundane, beautiful moments. It’s all wrapped together, and that’s the beauty of it.

So whether it’s just Mom and Dad who are reading this, or someone I have yet to meet, welcome and I’m glad you’re here. 

Yes, five-month-old Ethan helped me as I wrote this post...
In other words, I kept pushing the computer farther and farther away
as he grabbed for the keyboard!