Reminders

Another day done
Of a slightly forced smile
As I ponder and shudder
You’ve not been with me for a while.

And right by the chair
As I sweep up the floor,
I see the glitter dot
That had brought joy before –

A day when your siblings discovered,
“It’s a baby girl!”-
Your brother bemoaning
Not having a boy on whom to score.

But no soccer balls are being kicked from him to his little sister
Because you are gone,
And so’s all that glitter.

Except for this one piece that tortures me so.

Do I throw it away, or keep it right there?
If I leave it by the lamp, can I pretend the despair
From that day that we heard
The words we never imagined
Was all just a bad dream
That didn’t actually happen? –

To hear once again after so many tears
And faithful leaps, just to confirm all my fears
That this may be all I will ever know
Of carrying a child and watching them grow

Only to hear, “I’m so sorry” and “I don’t know
why this keeps happening to these precious ones who show
No signs of issues or any true reason
That would take them from you so far along in such a short season.”

The darkness of death
And the loss of my girls
Has tortured my heart, my body my soul

And so does this glitter pierce at my heart
Any more than the daily reminder that we’re so far apart?

Do I hoard it and keep it, torment myself so?
Or toss it away so my grieving heart knows
It won’t have to face it
Each time that I clean,
Dusting off the corners of my home- that which is tangible and that which is unseen?
No matter the choice, I still cannot bear
The thought of another piece of you farther away, not there–
Just like my dreams, my hopes, and my prayers
Of raising you and holding you each and every day.

I miss you, Lucy girl,
And all of the smiles
That I won’t ever see
Until I walk that aisle

From this life to Heaven
Oh, how I can’t wait
To hold all my children
And never again feel the weight

Of death inside of me
That leaves empty, aching arms.
Clinging to Jesus,
I know He’s not far

From me and from you, and your big sister, too
Mommy so deeply loves and misses you.