By Faith

"Faith is choosing to keep our eyes open to the reality that we are held in every way possible by the Giver and Provider of all things."

-Another "Ruth musing" from earlier in the week

Keep this image of me and Saturn, Sophia's cat for the year,
in your mind as you read this post. :)

First of all, to anyone reading my second of two blog posts this week, kudos to you! Because it has not been long since I last wrote, this post will highlight more of the internal happenings in my life.

First of all, I think it’s safe to say that we tend to find ourselves in places we would never expect- physically, emotionally, spiritually- you name it. And while I am just entering the trailhead of this life stage, I am finding that the post-college 20’s decade is full of so many surprises. I know I’ve said it with excitement and pride many times, but I would have never expected to live in Alaska. I never imagined myself teaching or conducting an orchestra. Honestly, I never thought I could stand up in front of a large group of people and be heard. Not because of any psychological blocks or fears, per se, but more because I am used to being one of the quieter souls who connects with people one-on-one and lets others take the spotlight. And here I am, making my high schoolers laugh and encouraging them to find meaning in their lives as I stand up in front of them and gab excitedly.

My future has been on my mind a lot lately. What will become of my career? How will I use my passions? Will I someday soon be married, starting my own family, as I watch so many around me embark on that thrilling and tiring journey? Will I travel more, or will I hunker down and focus on establishing a home? There are so many unknowns. And sometimes, that drives me up a wall. I mean, I’m Type A, an ambitious college graduate, and a dreamer with high expectations. What a threatening combination! I am like many of the other millennials around me (why do I hate that word?! Maybe because it’s not always said with the loveliest of tones…)- we crave adventure. We lay down under the stars and imagine a “huge” future that often includes some version of backpacking around the world, getting tattoos that truly embody our “free spirits”, and we will eventually be recognized for something big- whether it is for starting a successful nonprofit or making it into a major orchestra. Or maybe it’s just having more than 100 Facebook likes on the hipster photo we got of ourselves looking pensively away from the camera and into whatever beautiful landforms we found ourselves surrounded by that day.

Sometimes, I get swept up in these grand feelings of wanting something more. I want to do more, be more, live more. And here I am. I’m in Alaska, surrounded by mountains, standing up in front of large groups of people and getting public recognition, getting Facebook likes- the whole deal. And yet, it doesn’t feel like enough. How is that?

Sophia and I hiked up Perseverance Trail and into the Granite Basin this afternoon, and we talked of many things for those several hours. As we talked with such love and care of our families who are so far away and then switched over to talking about more menial things, we eventually found ourselves counting the hours we work each week. Even with the amount we two workaholics put in, it doesn’t feel like enough. Even when the music sounds beautiful and the kids are smiling, grabbing your legs for hugs. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like enough for me.

But I’ve carried on, focusing on doing what I can to be a good teacher and be the most positive, loving person I can be, reminding myself that every interaction I have with someone means something. And then it hit me yesterday through an honest conversation with my dear twin. I have been dancing around the reality of life for a while. I think what really happened is I got distracted and dazed. And eventually, it all became a blur. You see, I believe that my main purpose in life is to live closely to God in order to become more like Him and his Son. And so many parts of my life radiated this belief by the time I graduated from college. I was heavily involved in ministry, leading a small group for my fellow musicians and artists. I helped lead worship. Daily Bible reading was pretty much a thing. It felt as if the lens was clear. I could see how my experiences and gifts could be used for the purpose I knew I was created to do.

But things, as they do, made my glasses dusty and my contacts blurred (I’m just trying to give you the full picture of me, which varies daily from crazy hair + glasses, to crazy hair + contacts). I started to focus more on my career, my relationships, and my financial stability. Are these things worthy causes to invest a great amount of my time in? Of course! But they became my end goal, my main purpose in living, which left me feeling a little lost. And as I ponder where I go next, this truth has become ever clearer to me. I just can’t do it; I can’t live for my job like I’ve been trying to do. I can’t live for trying to find the ideal partner. And I can’t live for this bursting-out-of-my-chest feeling of “wanting more”. The only time I ever feel peace in those momentary flashes is when I step outside of the present and look way beyond with an eternal perspective. The only way I have ever found solace from wanting more is when I focus on Jesus Christ. It’s just the truth. I could have everything I currently want and still be unsatisfied. How do I know that? Because I truly have so many wonderful gifts in my life, and I see them multiply more and more this year. I live in one of the most heavenly places. I mean, I spend my quiet times with Jesus singing hymns on the ocean dock across the street from me. My backyard overlooks an island full of mountains. And I saw two porcupines hanging out in trees today. Come on. I am also surrounded by incredible people here. I really don’t know what I would do without the other three girls in the program. They’ve gotten me through some very hard times, and we have a unique bond. And my family and friends are always just a phone call away, not to mention the wonderful parental figures I have here. I work with students who deeply care about one another and me. They respect adults, and they care about the music they are learning. I can join my high schoolers in funny conversations about their siblings when they were all little, and then go comfort my elementary schoolers who are nervous about moving into middle school (it almost feels too familiar because that’s exactly how I felt about graduating from college!). I have kids and teachers and colleagues who love me and continuously ask if I’ll be here next year. Others simply demand I stay in the most funny and affectionate way, and I can’t tell you how loved that makes me feel. I feel like a valuable member of society here, which is something I didn’t expect to feel at 22. And then there are the countless ways in which I have grown this year. Just the fact that I can make it up to the Mt. Roberts clearing without stopping is a victory for me! But I have made tough decisions and have established healthy boundaries for myself. I’ve learned to love being by myself, which is a miraculous twin win.

A classic "Ruth picture": I made faces at the kids throughout the whole cello ensemble concert to help alleviate their nerves and get them to enjoy the moment! Did it work? Who knows, but I sure had fun!!

I went to a church last night that has a small but captivating group of congregants and a passionate pastor. His sermon was on the first 13 verses of Hebrews 12, and his main point was, if you aren’t going through something hard right now, then you will soon. And when you do, you can choose to let it be a time marked with incredible grief, despair, anger, and difficulty, or it can be a time of incredible closeness to God. And actually, that time will probably still be filled with all those hardships, but it will be framed in a completely different way. These are all points I had heard before, but I needed to hear that yesterday. As I struggle with fear, heartache, confusion, and any other feelings we all encounter, I can choose to soak in those fleeting feelings. Or I can let God strengthen my weak knees. I can get up and keep running (or maybe just walking for me!). It’s very easy for me to say, “Well I don’t have time for it right now”, or come up with plenty of other excuses. But when I remember that God only wants what is the absolute best for us, it reminds me that I should want the same thing for myself. I don’t need to keep skating along or waiting for my time to come. The time is now.

So this post is more like a stream of consciousness, heart-to-heart with myself type-post. But what I am hoping and praying is, as I have been so honest with you all after being super honest with myself (which I think is the scariest part), these thoughts and realizations will encourage you. I could not tell you how many questions I have for God. So many question marks. I am staring at the rest of my life and cannot solidly picture anything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been faced with darkness from the past, present, or future this year and have felt God calling me to the light once again. I also invite you to come to Him with your own set of fears, prejudices, distrust, and sadness, and hand it over. That is how you and I live more.

I’ll pray for you, if you pray for me! Just kidding. I’d pray for all of you, no matter what. Because I love you, just as He does.

Praise God for the mountains; without them, I would forever be in the valleys.