Dead to Me

I’m sitting in the rocking chair with a squishy, chunky baby in my lap. His little feet are hanging over the edge of my La-Z-Boy-rocking-chair because his legs have gotten so long. I can hear his little snores as he continues to desperately convince himself to sleep. He just got back from the doctor, and he is fussy and tired from shots and a thrown-off nap schedule. 

In the room right next to us, I hear 2 year-old Emma banging her feet on the solid back of her crib. I feel flashes of frustration with every kick...I’m frustrated with myself for not reinforcing in her sooner to not do that and guilting myself over that... And I feel just straight-up frustration toward her for doing that, especially when I feel unable to do anything but sit here quietly as my son sleeps in my arms. 

That’s real life right now, in this moment. It was just as much real life thirty minutes ago when I was laying in Emma’s “tent tent” (what she calls the teepee we have in her room) with her, stroking her hair and reading a sweet book about music with her.

Every day as a parent is filled with realities- lots of different feelings, toddler redirections, naps, sweet interactions, and difficulties that are constantly changing.

I can be really, really hard on myself when I lay down at night and feel emotionally chaotic- I call it “swirly”; I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control (are we ever, though?!). And yet when I think about the rollercoaster of emotions and needs that I tend to on a daily basis, it makes a lot more sense why I don’t feel “zen” and collected sometimes.

A paramount thing I have learned in my few years of parenthood: being a parent is a constant friction of my own selfishness and my kids’ needs and desires. And I deeply, deeply need Jesus to help me every moment...That’s a fun pill to swallow! They didn’t talk about that in the birthing class…

It’s hard to accept this and to live out. It’s a constant battle, but it is worth the good fight. 

I first noticed this internal, spiritual battle when JB and I got married. Marriage is amazing and crazy, isn’t it?! To think that two people who came from different environments with different preferences, personalities, ideas, thoughts, styles, dreams, fears, struggles...come together and build a family- a brand new creation- and labor together to raise this little family well while taking care of a home and accomplishing goals together...it’s incredible! I think I can easily forget what hard work that is.

JB and I often reflect on how marriage is a complete dying to self. It’s what God called us to do, but that doesn’t mean it comes naturally! Yet JB does it so well. He often says, “If I’m not thinking of you first, I’m doing something wrong.” What a gift of a man!

But there are those moments for both of us where we have that internal struggle of, “I don’t feel like doing this right now...I don’t want to have another conversation about this… “I wish they would just do it themselves instead…” etc.. It’s very humbling to work through that thought and hear His Spirit say, “Yes, but…”.

Marriage is that first level of selflessness (in our opinion). Parenthood is not only the next level, but a whole other realm of dying to self. Our children depend on us for every single need at this stage. Emma can feed herself any snacks she can reach off the kitchen table (which I quickly realized this morning when I left a bag of snacks for our car ride to the pediatrician on the table, went to get some diapers for the diaper bag, and came back to find Emma sitting on the kitchen floor with her rainbow jacket and purple sweatpants on and bag of crackers in hand!), but that’s about the extent of any self-sufficiency in our kiddos right now. 

And that’s a beautiful, exhausting, crazy thing. Whether it’s a basic need or not, our kids need us so much right now. I think people imparted that wisdom to me when I was pregnant with Emma, and I probably nodded and smiled and rubbed my belly and thought, “That sounds fun!”. But living out this calling is quite another thing. 

I always loved feeling “needed”- emotionally or physically- growing up. Sometimes it was a really wonderful thing, and other times it led me to unhealthy relationships or a lack of boundaries. To be needed by two little beings and by my husband can sometimes feel completely strengthening and thrilling and other times, totally draining and I-want-to-hide-in-my-room-esque. 

So naturally, I want to know why that is such a struggle for me- the neediness of my sweet humans- and when I sit down and pray about it, I know the answer. It’s me. It’s my (and every other human being’s) struggle. We are selfish and sinful. We naturally think of ourselves first (although knowing myself more than anyone else on this planet, I believe I might be one of the worst haha). God lovingly reminds me that I have a choice- to embrace my selfish desires and thoughts, or to die to self. 

I love the idea of dying to self that Paul writes about in Philippians, but PHEW is it hard to live out sometimes! He says:

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him and his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or I’m already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... I press on toward the goal for the price of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 3:7-12, 14

When I read this Scripture and actually apply it to my life and my sinfulness, it all clicks. I realize something that is so obvious to me and yet so easily forgotten: “Whoa; parenthood isn’t about me and what I want! Neither is marriage…” Of course, there are those absolutely untouchable moments: dancing with my daughter while my baby son giggles, smiling at my husband and being silly with each other as we drive away from our wedding ceremony as husband and wife- but that is not the sole purpose, identity, or dream that I should be striving to make reality. 

My purpose as a wife and mom is to be Jesus’ hands and feet to my people; I am His instrument (I love that idea, being a musician!). And then as I continue to zoom out with that perspective, I am reminded all over again that this is my purpose in life in general- to become more like Jesus and to show His loving heart toward everyone I meet.

This doesn’t mean I will do it perfectly...it’s quite the opposite! This is a big place where I struggle. Because in my mind, if I’m not effortlessly floating through life, singing to the birds and moose (yup, that’s what Alaskans do...okay, not really), then how am I showing people that life with Jesus is the best decision I’ve ever made? And even more embarrassing to admit, how can people admire how joyful and wonderful I am if I struggle (me, me, me haha)? It’s such an impractical way to put a bunch of pressure and focus on myself instead of accepting that I am just as broken and needy as everyone else, that I need Jesus, and that He does amazing things through and with my brokenness- with my negative emotions, with my fears, my selfishness, and pride. Also, focusing more and more on my imperfections and berating myself for them adds so much fog to the reflection of who I truly am- His beloved, cherished daughter. I can’t live out my purpose and identity nearly as well when I am focusing on things other than the Truth. 

Can you tell I think about way too many deep things on a daily basis?!? It’s amazing I get anything done! But I’m praising God for how He made me- to be a silly, deep thinker. An extrovert and a talker. Someone who loves to write and process. Someone who gets hooked on weird reality survival shows (the show Alone is basically like my life in Alaska...except for the living-off-the-land, building-a-fire, being-totally-alone, and not-bathing-myself thing...okay, maybe it’s just similar to our extreme weather patterns and wildlife). 

Today, I choose to lay my daily wants down. I’m not beating myself up for struggling with my selfishness. I’m not even ashamed that I can get grumpy when I sometimes prefer to go take a nap or watch a movie with my husband instead of preparing a chicken nugget dinner or a rubber duck baby bath. That’s okay! But I’m praising God that He gives me the strength to run this race. I am praising Him that I do not have to do this perfectly, feeling all fuzzy inside every time I get up and make another breakfast or put in another load of laundry. Stripping away those expectations of myself helps me to just embrace my messy, beautiful calling and to see my Savior ever clearer. 

He loves us, and He wants more for us than self-imposed unrealistic expectations or sulking self-centeredness. He wants me and you to feel and accept His deep, sacrificial love for us. 

Let’s continue to fight the good fight in our callings, identity, and actions. He is with us, He is for us, and He is doing a mighty work through us!