Five Years Ago...

I tend to view my life like a movie. Sometimes that really gets me into trouble...like when I think that the minute JB walks out the door, he’s going to get in some scary hostage situation and I’ll have to chase him around the globe. That makes me tired even thinking about it…but I'd still hop all those balconies for you, JB!

Other times, I think my imaginative heart brings some special sweetness to life. It’s especially poetic when I think back through my life thus far and see all that has happened; it just feels so beautiful and purposeful...because it is! Five years ago today, I left my parents’ house in Detroit to fly back to Alaska, and I also left a toxic relationship. 

I don’t think much about those days any more, but I was on the edge of committing my life to a relationship that in many ways is the complete opposite of mine and JB’s- stressful, unpredictable, a rollercoaster, deflating. I’ve purposefully forgotten many of the details of that relationship, but I’ll never forget how I felt. And to look forward and see that I am in a loving, beautiful marriage where I am not only seen, heard, and understood, but I am cherished and celebrated could bring tears to my eyes!!

I went into that winter break those five years ago holding my toxic relationship with open hands, fervently asking God to reveal to me the next step: commit or break it off. And He made it very clear to me on New Year’s Day in 2016. It was painful and hurtful, but I remember feeling a deep sense of inner peace that it was the right decision for me to walk away and that God was with me and cherished me. 

I have only been awake for 20 minutes this morning, and this passage from Romans has already popped up twice for me: “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:38-39

God is always with me and is always speaking His love over me; He drew extra close to me in those weeks and months after my breakup. I needed to be revived by His love. The broken parts of my heart and of my views of myself needed mending. And through friendship, teaching, and adventure, He guided me. But most importantly, it was sitting on the soft carpet of my rented room in Juneau, crying out to Him and desperately seeking His Truth, that gave me life. It was a hard, hard process. And it took me a long time to recover emotionally. But He was there. 

Flash forward a year, and I met JB. I still had a lot I was working through. I had trust issues, an engrained expectation that it wouldn’t work out, and a small but growing self-esteem. JB met me there and was so patient and loving. He has never let me down or broken a promise, and he has never changed his mind about me. I am so fully loved and adored by him. And he allows me to give that same love to him. 

And it’s all through the grace of God. That love, that acceptance- I craved to receive that from God more than anyone else, and I still do...even when I don’t realize it. And what’s so beautiful about it? His love is always there. Nothing can separate His love from me. I am covered and protected; I am His.

I pray that if you feel the same way, you can celebrate with me today.

I pray that if you don’t feel the same way, you can pray to Him and ask His love to come into your life. And then reach out to a fellow believer (even me)! 

Today our baby boy turns seven months old, and our 2-year-old daughter is singing hymns with us. A lot has changed in the past five years. I am eternally grateful.