Nighttime Vibes

I was finishing up the epic pile of dishes after dinner tonight as JB burped Ethan and entertained Emma, and I had a weird passing thought (anybody else get those?!)- life is so mundane, but SO beautiful. So, so beautiful. 

Okay, I know that’s not glamorous to say… And I know that I can almost seem like I am ungrateful for life. So let me explain. First of all, let’s back up.

JB and I sat down for dinner with the kids tonight and looked at each other and asked ourselves, why don’t we do this more often? In all honesty, this is just the second night in a row in what feels like a very long time that we have all 4 eaten dinner at the same time. And while we want to continue this habit to eat as a family and catch up on our day all together, I quickly remembered tonight why JB and I typically wait to eat dinner until after the kids are down… It’s chaos! It is like horror movie meets the zoo. Between a toddler who is currently going through a picky phase and loves to put up a fight over her scrambled eggs and toast (sacreligious, I know!!), to a baby who was tired and was expressing his exhaustion through firework-like shrieks, it’s so hard to get a word in! After the bartering with the toddler was finished and a new parenting hack was successfully tried (bubble in your mouth apparently not only works for kindergartners, but also for two-year-olds!), JB and I were finally able to finish our three sentences to each other and transition to the aforementioned dishwashing/baby burping/toddler playing scenario. 

I have been sorting through so many things internally in the past year. As an extrovert whose job typically involves being on my feet and being around people all day, the initial months of quarantine were super difficult for me. There are definitely still times where I struggle with accepting this current pace of life, but God has given me a lot of peace with having a slower, not-necessarily-quieter-life. Part of what I’ve had to come to terms with in the past year, is that busyness does not equal fulfillment. That is huge for me. Huge!

I am a deep thinker, and sometimes freaked out by my emotions and thoughts. I get bored easily, I have a hard time relaxing because I never feel like I’ve “earned” my rest. So I like to spend a lot of time with people. I like to pour into others and not necessarily face any internal struggles I’m dealing with… Because daily life can often feel hard enough; why would I want to address any frustrations, fears, or sins in my own heart?! Well, God is so good and has shown me in this past year that being alone with myself- being alone with Him- isn’t as terrifyingly earth-shattering as I thought. He can take all my fears and issues; He wants me to give them to Him.

During this time at home and in having time to be still, God has shown me that working through my emotions and struggles with Him leads to so much more peace. Yeah, that means I have to face my baggage and junk. But then I can move on from it and stop carrying it around. One of those big things I needed to face was what I wrote about last time- accepting and embracing working while having little ones. I also have to face the fact that doing the same repeated tasks every day- those things I so longed to do as a mom when I was working away from my kids- are extremely hard in their own way. Through all of this deepening of my dependence on God, I have felt this entire world of grace and love open up before my very eyes. I can see Jesus clearer when I spend time with Him, and also when I intentionally choose to talk to Him about and work through the hard things.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but that is a very generalized summary of what I have been learning recently. This spiritual growth is slowly changing my view of my everyday life. I am coming to see (and sometimes this is a daily battle to remember) that life is not about having a busy schedule. It is not about how many people I can help in one day. It is not about how great my orchestra sounds or what my coworkers think of me. It is not about how much conflict I can avoid (oops...yeah, I do that). It is not about finding the “next adventure”. All of those things are wonderful (except for avoiding conflict haha), but those things are not what bring my life richness. My life is rich in those moments where I am dragging myself out of bed in the morning to open my Bible, even when all I want is to either go back to sleep or turn on some soap opera that will let me disappear from the demands of adulthood for 30 minutes. My life is rich when I am wiping off my baby’s face and hands as he is crying...because he hates having his face cleaned or his nose blown. My life is rich when I go and start my husband's car in the morning to help him get out the door a little faster and make his day start a little smoother. My life is even rich when I am working through my pride and am confessing that to Jesus or to my husband. These moments are not the story book, movie reel moments that I thought all of marriage and parenthood would be as a young girl. Life has a lot of dishes and a lot of toilet cleaning. It also has a lot of giggles, hugs, answered prayers, gentle winds through the trees, and words of encouragement that make your heart soar.

I can’t run away from myself; and there are moments where I feel at the complete end of myself. But what a beautiful place to be! ...because that is exactly where I find Jesus.

I just love when I have these moments of clarity (even if it is just for a few minutes)- these times where I can look past all the weight of being a human on this planet and just see that life is about me and Jesus. Simple. Me and Him (fun fact, when I first typed that, I wrote, “Me and Jim”....don’t tell JB!). Life is about His love for me and His calling on my life to love others well and point them to Him. I struggle with remembering that and accepting that call so often. I can be tossed to and fro by my emotions, the latest cool sweatshirt that I really want, or the daydream that I’m struggling to let go of as I am changing another diaper. And Jesus knows all that and is sitting right next to me, smiling with His loving eyes and asking me to come to Him with all those things... and to count my blessings.

Life definitely has those moments where both of your family's cars need to go to the shop, one day after the other. There are those weeks where everyone is feeling exhausted and at the end of their ropes and you just wish Mary Poppins were a thing and you could finally get a night off. Those days where it’s super windy and cold out and you’re just over the daily grind...that happens a lot. Especially in Alaska during the winter. All of those things have completely been this week for me and JB. But I am continually asking Jesus to not let me miss those moments where I see His hand in all of it. I see that Jesus kept me and the kids safe while driving a car that we didn’t know needed a repair until it hit its limit. He provided another car for us to drive in the meantime…because it had just been fixed in the shop the day before! He has given us extra moments as a family when COVID canceled afterschool obligations. He’s given us sweet moments, laughing with our toddler and seeing the wonder in her eyes when we puff up our cheeks and pretend like we swallowed bubbles. He has given us food and dishes to eat them off of. He has given us a warm home and a crazy dog who loves to scavenge for food, but who also functions as a very cute and effective vacuum cleaner. He has given me those five minutes of quiet where I sit down with nothing good stirring in my heart and I’m able to walk away with a Truth from His Word that carries me through the rest of the day (even if I don’t feel any different). 

Two year-old Emma took this picture of me yesterday
when I was on a Zoom call and she stole my phone! 
I was so thoroughly impressed and thought it was so
funny, I had to share! 

This life is all about Him and His love for us. In those moments where life just feels so messy or so monotonous, I turn my face toward the cross, and I’m reminded of the ultimate price that He paid for us. And I take heart in the fact that my heart will never feel fully content until I am in the arms of Jesus. We have heaven in our hearts and Jesus by our side at all times.

Whether all of these reflections are age-old truths for you, or they just sound like absolute crazy talk to you, I hope and pray that you find some encouragement in them tonight. Even if it’s just to take comfort in knowing that you are absolutely not alone and that you are loved.

Good night, sweet friends!