You and Me

There was a time in my life where I fancied myself to be a relationship expert. I thought that because I am a naturally empathetic person who is pretty attuned to other’s thoughts, it meant I had all the answers for any situation. It was a simpler, more naive time in life where I thought a good old pep talk could cheer any friend up and that if I gave enough love and attention to someone, that would lead to a strong relationship- one that, by the way, would always make me feel good. Oh, younger Ruth! As JB says during any of my crazy driving mishaps, “My sweet summer child….” (I promise I’m not a horrible driver; I’m still just newer at it...judge me all you want!!). 

I’ve come to learn a lot about how messy relationships are- and a little mess is not only normal but is a good thing. Also, my big takeaway about any relationship in life: it takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes vulnerability and prayer and meeting people where they are. And relationships are not all about me (am I the only one who struggles with accepting that?!). 

One truth right off the bat that my sweet twin, Rachel, and I constantly remind each other of: just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s not right. Humans are complicated. We’ve all got stuff- baggage from the past, fears, unique personalities, varying ways of communicating and showing love. We are not one-size-fits-all. So yeah, marriage, friendships, family relationships- they all take work as each person tries to understand where the other is coming from and attempts to be attuned to the other’s needs. It’s humbling and hard!

As we are all navigating our days and doing life together, there are bound to be hurts and misunderstandings along the way. I can think back to specific social groups and seasons of my life where I felt hurt by someone. Looking back, I can see how my default personality quirks led me to avoid addressing any hurt until we just drifted apart. Sometimes that is totally natural, especially in big life changes. But I do wish I had expressed more of how I felt and tried to press into those conversations with those friends more. It’s messy, especially when there is hurt; but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth the fight. Even if the relationships may not have been ones I saw myself investing in long-term, I think it would have been important practice for this confrontation-phobe to share my feelings (there’s probably a real term for that phobia; feel free to look it up and let me know, so I can add it to my bio. Except BOOM- I won’t add that, because I’m working on it!!!!). 

Another thing I have been thinking about as I come to know and love more people is how to walk alongside friends who are hurting; and on the other side of that, I’m learning more about how to let friends in when I’m hurting. Once again, I have been humbled to realize we all handle life’s stresses and griefs differently and need different things. 

I think as someone who loves to help others, I can too quickly become Positive Polly and assume that all will be better after one epic, affirming talk (sorry if your name is Polly...although that’s better than when a friend of mine called me “Rude Ruth” all throughout high school!).

But I’ve realized that life is way heavier than fretting over a bad haircut at a sleepover (been there...as I look back at old pictures, way too many times….). There are deeply rooted things we are all working through, and the goal is to not “fix everything” in a conversation with a friend, child, spouse, sibling. It’s just to be there and love the person well. 

This question keeps running through my mind:

What if the point of walking through hard things with loved ones isn’t to make it better, but to just be there?

That means there will be some awkwardness, some “I’m at a loss for words” moments; and that's a good thing! Because newsflash, Ruth- my relationships aren’t designed to be about me. They’re all about Jesus. I don’t know how to comfort my husband? Point him to Jesus. I don’t know what to say to a friend? Give them a hug, and pray with them. I have no idea what to do when my toddler is tantruming? Pray and ask for wisdom. Let her tell me what’s going on after some deep breaths. 

So why do I put so much pressure on myself to “say all the right things”? Why am I afraid to open up to friends about my anxieties, my struggles, my frustrations? And why do I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect person to lean on when times are stretching for my loved ones? I think a lot of it is pride. Phew, pride. It could be my middle name. That would actually sound sort of epic….Ruth Pride Schwartz, aka “Rude Ruth” Pride Schwartz. 

But ultimately, I struggle with these things because of my lack of focus on what matters. I’m not here to perform. I’m not on this earth or in these relationships to prove what a great comforter I am or how “put together” I am (which is actually part of the reason I’m sharing my blog on social media...it’s very freeing for me to admit I’m just as cooky and complicated as anyone else).

Some days (probably many days), I cling way too much to what others are saying or doing- about anything…-, and I then try to define my entire view of my day, my decisions, or myself through that lens. My heart is often very open to whatever is in front of me, but it is also so easily swayed.

But my focus needs to be the cross. I need Jesus. My view of myself, of others, and the bridge between me and others is all shaped around Jesus. 

A reading plan I just started on the Bible app (what an amazing tool!) is all about relationships. The devotional for day one pointed back to the relationship between God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. Can I wrap my mind around the Three in One concept- the fact that God is all three? No. But I can see the fruit and beauty and Truth from that relationship, and I can set my heart’s fuzzy focus clear when I strive to have relationships like the Trinity. 

And if the Trinity seems too lofty for my mind to cling to, as that adorable starfish in Finding Nemo clings to the fish tank (that image just came to me… I’m such a poet lol), let me cling to the example Jesus sets.

When I think about Jesus’ unending faithfulness and love for me and His sacrifice so that my heart, body, mind, and soul could be set right with Him forever, the self-centeredness and relational doubts fade away. 

Honestly, the more relationships I have- friends, coworkers, my second husband (just wanted to make sure you were still with me in my ramblings)- the more I feel like I’m not cut out for this relationship gig. Sometimes I do want to crawl under a rock and wait for my insecurities, my questions, etc. to just go away. I get so frustrated and impatient with myself sometimes. I feel like a middle school girl with so many emotions and questions and nothing but a new haircut to get me through the feels (at least my haircuts are amazing now because of the amazing Linda Smith!). But again, there is love and forgiveness- not only from my one and only husband and friends, but more importantly, from my Savior. 

What if I embraced the mess and stopped chasing perfection? What if I let my guard down around new friends more, or my fellow teachers? What if I asked a friend how I could be there for them instead of rehearsing the perfect piece of advice in my head the moment they opened up to me? What if I embraced the discomfort of walking through disappointments and hardships with my people? It’s okay to not have everything figured out. It’s okay to not know what in the world I’m doing. It’s okay to even say a dumb thing, or...goodness forbid, something that might rub someone the wrong way or even hurt them. I don’t need to be scared, and I don’t need to be perfect. There is already Someone who is. Someone who is the Embodiment and Creator of wisdom, compassion, grace, empathy, forgiveness. All the good stuff- you name it. 

Just look at the Cross. Point others to the cross. Be my messy self and thank Jesus that I have others who are also trying to do the same alongside me. He is with us and working in it all. Even in the conversations you wish you could take back. Even in the mess, the emotions, the text you sort of wish you had worded differently...or not sent at all. Even in the moments that brought so much color and joy to your life. 

So, another jumbled collection of emotions and words fill my page tonight. But this self-focused perfectionist needed a reminder of the Gospel through this relational lens. 

I’m so grateful I don’t have to “naturally get it”. I just need to show up and lean into Jesus- over and over and over. I hope and pray He guides you and me as we press into our relationships with these things in mind. 

I love you, dear friend! That’s a phrase I’ll never regret saying. Go forth and say that to someone in your life! :)

I went stalking on my Facebook to try to find a picture
of my worst haircut...and I sure found it.
But I also found this adorable picture of me on my first day of preschool,
and it made me smile so much! I hope it makes you smile, too. :)