An Ode to Urgent Care

Well, here I am in my second urgent care of the week, hoping to be seen, hoping I have strep throat so I can get antibiotics and feel better. 

I am a horrible sick person. I pout. I want to be snuggled and waited upon. I get sad being away from people and laying in bed all day. My emotions tend to turn sour very quickly, and I know this about myself, yet I am surprised every time! My defenses are down, and I’m not able to put up the same fight I usually do. 

I turn to self-pity. Oh, the pity parties!!! I want everyone’s pity when I’m sick- also when my kids are sick, my husband is sick, my car is cold, I smeared toothpaste on the bathroom counter, I stubbed my toe….okay, not really. But this time of hardship has definitely woken me up to how much stock I put in other people's thoughts and actions toward me when life is hard. 

It has been an amazing Fall in some incredible ways. Our kids are darling. I just absolutely adore them and love seeing them grow up! They are so happy and silly and sweet and fun (aside from the typical emotional rollercoasters of being toddlers, of course lol).

I have LOVED working with my students again and making music! We had such amazing, momentous Fall concerts that brought so much joy back. 

Our kids started daycare at a wonderful Christian daycare we never thought we’d be able to get into, but God opened those doors! And the kids love it. 

But of course, with both me and JB being teachers back in the classroom and our kids starting daycare for the first time after we all stayed isolated for so long, the germs are having a welcome-back party, a parade, AND a flash mob all at the same time. And it seems like we are hosting the celebrations. 

The Fall concerts I had were amazing, but my kids were home with JB because they had RSV. Which was alongside their ear infections two different times, pink eye for Emma, random fevers, colds, etc.. Without pulling out a calendar, I can confidently say that we have not gone two full weeks since school started when one of the four of us hasn’t been sick. And we all know, sickness in young families wreaks havoc on routines and ability to function well. The walls feel like they are closing in- possibly because of the crumpled tissues everywhere. 

And yet, we are so not alone in this. I have coworkers in the same boat. Not many of us have babies or toddlers, so it’s pretty obvious why a few of us have been absent so much.

And then my poor students and their families! So many long-term absences; so much sickness and loss and stress of missing weeks of school and having to play catch up. 

It’s easy for me to forget the difficulty of this whole teaching in 2021 thing. Of this whole raising kids in 2021 thing. Of this- I don’t know…being human in 2021 thing! When I or my family are down for the count for days on end, it can feel isolating and so heavy. Just so hard. 

But where am I turning to in it all? What truths am I covering myself with, like the fuzzy blankets I stock up on and hoard all over our living room? 

I’ve been believing a whole lot of lies in these moments of hardship, and I tell you what- they are not helpful to hold onto when I already feel beaten down! So it’s time I go to battle. 

I am an achiever. I am competitive. I compare myself to others a lot, which was trained in me as an identical twin- both self-trained and world-trained. So when I log into my employee account and see that I have already missed 15 days of school this year due to family illness, I feel like I am failing my students. And my principals. And my poor administrative assistants who have to scramble and put someone (often a coworker who has to use their planning time to cover my class) in my classroom. 

Oh, but what about the fact that we are still living through a pandemic, and I’m required to stay home if I don’t feel well, or keep my kids home if they don’t feel well? Right. I forget that. 

I just decide to take it upon myself to feel guilty, which feels SUPER silly as I write this out (that’s partly why I’m doing this!). 

But during this last round of me being down for the count, I’ve started to realize other lies I’ve been chasing. I put way too much pressure on myself as an orchestra teacher. I have been stressing myself out, trying to plan an amazing orchestra trip for my students. Trying to gather parent support (which I have realized is totally worth the struggle so I can delegate), plan awesome field trips, design and order sweatshirts, plan epic concerts…these are all great things, but I am learning more about how to best use my time and talents for my students. 

I have had time this week to step away and identify what is making me feel like my job is impossible at times. Don’t get me wrong, no matter what, teaching is really hard right now. I didn’t expect to be struggling so much six years in. It’s a hard time to work and live. 

However, I have been building up the responsibilities of my job and have been taking on too much for the life stage I am in, making myself incredibly stressed out. 

And the working-full-time-while-being-a-mom-of-little-ones box combo has pushed me to my limit, and I’m not even enjoying the flavors and experience of it right now. 

A key lie I am replacing with truth: Being stressed out about something or someone doesn’t equate to how much I care about them. I don’t have to just be stressed out and sulk. I should pray and make changes where God leads. 

Verse: 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ 

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God is a Much Better Driver Than I Am...As Are Most People

Let’s get into some more truth-telling. 

I have been wrestling a lot this week with my need to work and having my kids in childcare. But I’m coming to realize that this struggle, the grumbling and aching in my heart isn’t about my station in life. Not the specifics. It’s all about a deeper question.

Am I trusting that God is leading me in life- that He has me where he wants me?

It’s just like when I get all worked up about wanting to go on epic family adventures over the weekend (bless poor  JB’s heart…I do not rest well!), but on a much deeper level. I look left and right. I compare, and I pity myself. I don’t seek God. I sort of forget that He has…well, a plan for me. For my good. And that He loves me. That He loves me so much that He died for me. Oh, and even when things are hard, He is working on my behalf and is with me. And that even things that seem downright awful on my end- that might cause my weary soul to question if He really cares for me- can be used to glorify Him and grow closer to Him if I open my heart to it.

So, when I doubt my entire lot in life in this exact moment, is that questioning a spirit-stirring from God, or is it my emotions and my fears?

Verse: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

James 1:2-4

On that topic, it is so important to have support and encouragement from others. But no matter what, God needs to be my foundation. My Rock. I can’t let other people’s advice or my emotions take place of the Holy Spirit.

When I fall apart over the demands of life with a job and kids, many loving friends ask if I can cut back my hours. Don’t get me wrong- I ask myself that, too! But I tend to just stay there and not bring any of those stressed-out, panicked questions and fears to God. No matter the physical outcome, when my heart is in this frenzied state, He needs to be the only anchor. Nothing else works, nothing else matters.

I realize over and over that no matter what, God is the Friend I ultimately need to seek. I want to be in a place where I am daily praying for God to do a mighty work in my life. It might not be a physical change in my schedule (because I really don’t see that happening with our financial needs and dreams); I may just need to, once again, ask for a heart change. 

All that being said, honesty and support and friendship are so important, especially in trying times. I’ve loved, loved, loved reading the comments on my Facebook post I made a few days ago. Such great advice and encouragement! I not only learned from others, but I just felt encouraged to know I wasn’t alone and that I can share my humanity, even on…gasp…social media.

One thing that resonated with me- You can’t make decisions when you’re down- about yourself, or about life. So true. And to take that one step further, I can’t make those decisions when I’m down, but I have a Creator who already tells me who I am.

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I Am Not "Working Mom Barbie". He Has a Specific Calling on My Life

Lie: I need to keep up with others. My husband, coworkers, the fictional working mom in my head.

Truth: God has a specific calling on my life. Identical twin or not; having coworkers who are also moms and are doing it differently or not; having a job that is similar to my husband's or not…it’s all unique for each of us. And how I live out the convictions God has given me also makes me unique. I have a role to play, and it is different than any other person’s. 

Also, the fictional working mom who is never pushed to her limit….Yeah, she doesn’t exist! 

Verse:

“For as in one body we have many parts, and the parts do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually parts one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…

Romans 12:4-6

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I Don't Need to Have Upper-Body Strength When He's Holding My Arms Up

Onto another lie and truth:

Lie: Weakness is a bad thing. 

Truth: God can and will use it! I’m not supposed to be able to handle the hard things in life. I need Him. He does give us more than we can handle- because we’re not supposed to handle it all. 

Verse: “Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9-10‬

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Stop Caring What Others Think. They Need The Gospel, Too.

Lie: Everyone is judging me for my decisions.

Truth: Who has time for that?! And if they are judging me, that is something for them to wrestle with. But seriously, stop being self-absorbed, Ruth. People have their own stuff going on. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

Verse: “For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭2:4‬

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Jesus is With Us...In the Green Grass and the Dirty Carpets

Lie: I have the hardest lot in life, being a working mom. Or an Alaska resident. Or a wife to an amazing, hard-working man. Or an isolated parent due to household illnesses. 

Truth:  The grass always seems greener. It’s not true. Life…well, it sucks sometimes. It’s hard. We need Jesus. And Jesus lived an incredibly difficult, painful, exhausting life. All for me. He gets it. Talk to Him about it. 

Verses:

“For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭4:7‬

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

Psalm 138:8

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

James 1:17

“He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53:3, 5‬ 

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So, my parting thoughts of the day are more of exhortations to myself (as is this whole post!): 

God is calling me to actually live out what He says; it’s supposed to be hard! I am an imperfect human in need of grace, which I already rarely give to myself. What if I stop pouting and fuming and run to Him? Find solace and comfort in Him? He is my purpose. I can’t run away from myself or from my situations- from the hard. But what if these struggles- both the internal and external ones- help me be more secure in my calling? In where He has me?

Thanks for hanging in there through the mess of my heart and the snottiness of my head! Cheering you on, too. ❤️

Love, Joy, and Sweetness

Wrecked

Okay...I told myself I would do this- write in the midst of it all- the processing, the difficulty, the questions. Well, here I am, a little nauseated and very tired, and I am writing.

I recognize that going through a stomach bug that hits 3 out of 4 people in our family isn’t something that makes us extra special or unique, but I do believe God has brought some special and praiseworthy moments that I cannot keep to myself.

It all started on Ethan’s birthday.

Wednesday morning, Emma and I got Ethan up at 10:30am. JB was teaching summer school at his elementary school all week, but I was determined to make the day special, even though I was definitely disappointed we couldn’t be all together for the day. But Ethan had a fun birthday party planned that evening with all his family and his little friends, so I knew that would be the perfect ending to his birthday.

I didn’t think much of Ethan still snoozing away at 10:30 because he had been up late the night before, and our schedule had been out of whack for the few days before that. But the puzzle pieces all fell together within the first couple hours that Ethan was awake that he was, indeed, sick and wasn’t going to recover in time to have a fun-filled day.

I managed to get a few cute photos of him in his birthday outfit and then had a sudden thought to change him back into pj’s; within the hour, he threw up. And it’s all a messy blur from there…

As my mom calls them in her incredible blog that is dedicated to those who are suffering (especially with physical ailments), there have been lots of moments of “praise interruptions” in these past few days.

So, praise interruption in my story #1: I am so thankful for family and friends who gathered around and helped. Beyond thankful for my wonderful mother-in-law who came over to help me clean and held our children as I got changed and fed so that I could feed Emma. So thankful to my sweet sister-in-law and my dear friend, Jess, for dropping off groceries as it became clear Ethan’s sickness was not only longer-lasting than a day, but that it was spreading to others in the household. So thankful for Pedialyte, ginger ale and crackers, man. They’re just awesome.

So I was processing through a lot as Ethan first got sick. We, amazingly enough, have never had a vomiting child. It took me a minute to get into the groove of how to help, how to clean, how to soothe. And then my sweet husband was still at school, and I was navigating taking care of both kids for most of the day on my own. There was definitely a moment where toddler Emma was screaming in her crib, not wanting to take a nap after a rushed bedtime process, all while Ethan was fussing as I got him settled and soothed. I wanted to cry, but I just clammed up as I usually do in those moments of feeling intensely overwhelmed. And I prayed.

I was also just so, so disappointed that Ethan’s birthday turned from being a highlight of his first year of life and a celebratory day that marked the beginning of summer, to Ethan’s hardest day yet. I hated seeing him in pain and being so weak. And I hated to put all the food and decorations away, hours before having loved ones over.

Birthdays and celebrating big moments are a big deal for me, and it was hard to let go of. I feel silly about that, but it’s part of who I am; I love to celebrate and make moments special! But now I see that his birthday still was special; just in a different way. And there will be time for parties again when we are all healthy.

Well, we thought this was just a weird stomach bug for just Ethan...until Emma started throwing up the following night. JB followed after her in the middle of the night. There was a moment that night where poor JB was...well, puking a lot in the bathroom. And Emma was also puking in the hallway. And Ethan woke up crying because of all the noise. That was super hard.

But goodness, did I feel the Lord so, so close to me and my loved ones.

Emma and I were up late that night, but she finally stopped throwing up and calmed herself by our many rocking and singing sessions. Ethan got settled back down quickly, and then it was JB’s turn to go through the rough parts of the sickness. High fever, horrible acheyness and sharp headache. Nausea and just intense discomfort.

And I prayed.

Another praise interruption moment: I’m so thankful for our pediatrician. I have called them and/or visited them with a sick child pretty much every day since Wednesday, and they have been so helpful and thorough. I have learned a lot of what to look for with dehydration and how to soothe my little ones.

But the biggest, most beautiful praises of all: His comfort and His protection.

It was a really hard night for JB that night. I’ve been with him after surgeries and through several illnesses, but this was the hardest night together yet. But I felt God near. My dear twin had read sweet verses of Truth to me months ago in the wee hours of the morning when I was really scared. It inspired me to start making my own notes on my phone with verses for different topics.

I pulled out my “Fear” note and read. I read to JB, I rubbed his back, I helped him out of bed- whatever he needed. We were both so exhausted. The bedroom and the house just felt full of darkness and sickness. Everything just felt heavy and scary. The question definitely flashed through my mind as I was up with JB… “How am I going to do this if I also get sick? And how am I going to take care of a sick child if they woke up right now?”. All the what-ifs. But God really guarded my mind from dwelling there. He enabled and empowered me and brought me comfort so I could wholeheartedly soothe my three loved ones each time and say, “It’s going to be okay. It’s okay.”.

I am so thankful. The other just straight-up miracle is that I haven’t gotten sick. Yes, I’ve had my bouts of nausea, and I did not feel like a rockstar this morning when Emma woke up at 2:30 needing comfort, then Ethan woke up 10 minutes after I got back in bed...and then Emma threw up at 4:30 and I just made my peace that I was up for the day...but God has sustained and spared me from this sickness so far so that I can take care of my family.

I know it could have easily been a different story where we were all ill and desperately fending for ourselves, and I’m so sure that has been the case for many other families, so I don’t take that lightly. It’s a huge, huge blessing.

And the way God made me, my heart yearns to comfort others. It fills my heart to be the caretaker and the nurturer. I am so thankful to have a husband who allows me to do that for him because I know many people prefer their space when they are sick. I am so thankful I can soothe my kids with just a simple hug.

Again, my beautiful mom is well-acquainted with illness and physical suffering. Just read her story. The anniversary for her brain surgery that gave her back to us just passed. She was my age when she became so sick that she was bed-ridden off and on for the first 7 years of my life. I was just reflecting on that the other day- how fleeting good health can be and what a blessing it is every day that I can pick up my children and play with them. My mom is a huge inspiration to me in how she loves Jesus and seeks to praise Him, even when it just absolutely sucks (let’s be real).

So that’s all been running through my mind. And something my mom said the other day in the midst of this family sickness put to words what I was feeling: there is beauty, even in this. Things to be grateful for, for sure, but also just raw beauty.

Moments like: holding my daughter in my arms as we drift off to sleep on the couch. Comforting her and reminding her that I’m here and she will be okay as she looks up at me with her big, beautiful eyes after throwing up. My sweet baby (I guess toddler now?!) boy just laying his head in my lap any chance he could get. The trust, the bond, the love that has only grown between Emma and Ethan throughout this. The whispered prayers I overheard from my sweet husband’s lips for our children as he himself was sick. His affirmation of me and gratitude toward me as I take care of them. All my sweet, wonderful friends and family members who have been texting me every day, wondering what they can do to help and asking for updates.

Watching Disney movies with Emma for the first time and seeing her excitement over Gus Gus in Cinderella. An amazing washing machine, soothing baths, effective carpet cleaner, and bland snacks. So, so many cuddle sessions with both kids.

Seeing our kids perk back up and get better. Sweet relief after scary moments of wondering when it’s time to take Emma to the ER for dehydration, and then she finally starts keeping liquids down. Seeing the kids snack on crackers and play. Hearing Emma say, “Come here, braw-er! (Brother)” excitedly. Seeing her dab his face with a washcloth when he felt feverish because I did the same thing with her the night before when she felt feverish.

The list could seriously go on. Sunlight through the windows, comfy, cozy blankets. Fresh air. 

I’m not merely trying to “find the silver lining” from these past few days. They have been hard. Exhausting and scary, and so demanding. Disappointing. Heartbreaking to see my loved ones like that. But like all things in life, there is the beautiful with the hard. Because God.

My prayer stopped being, “Please, Lord, spare me from this sickness. I don’t know how I could do this while also being sick,” to, “Just give me the strength for whatever is needed in this moment.” And that helped me to not fear the sickness- the complete desperation that could have been- if all of us were down for the count.

And yeah, easy for me to say when it hasn’t happened for me at this point, but I really have felt a peace that no matter what, God has us, and it’s going to be okay.

This stomach bug seems to be highly contagious, so we are laying low as much as we can from socializing until we are all 100%. JB and I had a whole day-date planned for today that was going to begin with a hard hike...that’s laughable now, especially because JB says his entire body is wrecked right now (hence the title of this post...JB always listens to me as I read my posts before I publish them, so it only felt right to give him titling privileges this time)!

I was going to play at church tomorrow for the first Sunday since before COVID. There is still grief. Especially over that stinkin’ birthday party. But I’m asking God to help me find peace and joy in the deeper, unwavering things.

I am grateful for my health and even more grateful for a God who is near.

I went back and forth about posting a status update on Facebook about our family’s little bug because I never fully know my intentions. I wrestle with wanting to come off as put together and admirable. Forgive me, Lord! I’m wrestling with posting this post as well because again- what makes me so special? Also, my blog is called, “Alaskan Adventures”...is this what I meant when I titled my blog?!

Haha no. I didn’t expect to turn my blog that I initially created when I moved across the country to live in Alaska for a year into a boots-on-the-ground, all things motherhood and marriage Truths. But I love it. Because yeah, Alaska is an epic place. It is AMAZING to live here...although this winter and these rainy summer days have been harder for me to enjoy this year...but life- real life stuff- is way more of an adventure because I have Jesus.

This whole life...is adventure time with Jesus. And He is seeing us through a very difficult time. JB just finished his Master’s degree that kept him glued to a textbook and our computer every Saturday for the past two years. He also just wrapped up a demanding soccer season where he missed the kids’ bedtimes every night of the week and had games on Saturdays for two and a half months...while squeezing in aforementioned homework. There has been isolation, fear, hardship, school shutdowns, impossible balancing of too many balls while working from home. Having a new baby, and being treated for pre-eclampsia (a year ago tomorrow). 

There have been lots of ups and downs in the past few days, and in the past year. But goodness, God is with us. I feel His love, I feel His care. I don’t understand all of it, and I’ve wrestled with my bitterness. I totally have. But He proves faithful time and time again.

I hope this post is relatable and comforting in one way or another. You are loved.

Thanks for reading, my friends! 

Fruitful Seasons

JB and I were wrapping up our evening with some good conversation about our days when a familiar truth hit me (as these things often do)- Don’t wish away any season. 

Our little family is in the midst of our busiest season yet. Both JB and I are working full-time, JB is weeks away from finishing his Master’s degree in education, he is head coach of a Varsity girls soccer team at a local high school, and we have our two precious kiddos. 

This is a season I absolutely dreaded last year. It gave me chest pain, just thinking about it. And then a week before it was all supposed to start, schools were closed and seasons were cancelled. This past year has come with a lot of disappointments and stresses, but also a lot of rest for us. 

Where we were at a year ago- approaching the birth of our baby boy, secluded in our home- was a beautiful season because God was in it. And this season- teaching in masks, spending most of our days pouring into others until we hit the pillow (often at very different times)...this is also a beautiful season. 

I’ve been finding myself daydreaming about summer. I tend to do this, and I don’t think I’m the only one. At this time of year when the winter breakup is at its worst (just imagine sloshy, dirty ice piles and puddles) and students long to be free of classroom expectations, it’s easy for me as a teacher to look ahead and wish these days away. 

I drive to work, excited that it’s finally light out during my commute, but feeling an ache in my heart thinking about the time I am losing with my kids. But then I remind myself that I’m just weeks away from spending all day with them. 

I go 24 hours without seeing my husband conscious because we are on staggered schedules where I am having to wake up really early, and he is needing to stay up late. And when I feel that longing to connect with him through quality time, I remind myself that soccer season will be done before we know it. 

I take care of the kids every evening and throughout the majority of the weekend while JB does his Master’s assignments, and I cling to the idea that in just a matter of weeks, we will have our weekends back as a family of four and all will be well. 

Now, none of this daydreaming is inherently wrong. And having a light at the end of this tiring tunnel...I need that! But on a deep level, this season is not one to just try to fast-forward through. 

The hard moments are rich with learning. The moments where I’m so stressed, my body tells me to slow down and rest. Those aren’t bad. In the moments where I can’t keep my eyes open as I rock with my sweet Ethan or Emma early in the evening, I am reminded that God gave me strength through another day and will provide tomorrow. When the alarm clock goes off at an obnoxious time and I have to stir my snoozing kids from their cribs, I’m learning to not idolize sleep for myself and my kids. It’s okay that we’re getting less sleep during the week. 

And when the laundry piles up, I can continually try to exercise a balance of priorities and let it go until the weekend. 

This week, I have been reminded of God’s strength through my weakness. I don’t need to have it all together. I know that can sound like such a cliché, but I can so often place that expectation on myself to do everything perfectly. Does anyone else? Do you ever get frustrated with yourself for not being “stronger” and for not being able to balance all the things better? I constantly expect myself to be able to do it all- be an incredible teacher, be an amazing wife and mom, etc.. But where are those definitions coming from anyways? What makes an “incredible” teacher, or an “amazing” wife and mom?

Perfection? Nope. 

It’s okay to have limitations. It’s not possible to give 100% to everything in life at the same time. This week, I have once again faced the constant battle I hear from so many other teachers, too: the self-doubt. Am I doing enough? Are my students learning anything? Do I even know how to be a good teacher? Will I have enough students next year to keep my program? 

All these questions have been coursing through my mind, on top of wanting to be present with my little ones and with my hard-working husband when he gets home after the kids’ bedtime each night. 

It took a beautiful conversation with my dear twin to realize that I was making things so much harder because I was placing unnecessary expectations on myself. And then I was condemning myself when I wasn’t living up to what I felt I should be doing. 

Ah feelings. Always so reliable…

The truth is, things have to give. We balance the balls- plastic and glass- every day. Certain balls can be dropped. I have to constantly remind myself of that. And I am a perfectionist, which leads to a warped view of the quality of work I do- whether at home or in the orchestra classroom. I often need people around me to help me see that I’m doing a good job. But it’s something I pray about all the time, too. Lord, help me to get out of my head. Satan can’t take this. Help me to focus on my students and to do the best job I can. It’s not a performance, and it’s not going to be perfect because none of us are. 

My goal as a teacher is to show my students that they matter. They are loved. They are cared about. 

Yes, I really want them to enjoy playing their instruments. And yes, I totally have a strong sense of competition and drive. And I put pressure on myself that because I was a performance major, I need to be the best orchestra teacher that ever walked the planet. 

So...some expectations are still in the adjustment process. 

But why would I wish away a season where I am facing these things and bringing them to Jesus?

You see, every day has purpose. Every interaction, every morning that the alarm clock goes off. Even in the moments where things feel impossible or frustrating, or I’m running on empty- I can mope and get bitter (which yeah, that’s totally my default reaction), or I can pray and ask God to work through the situation- to teach me something. To open my eyes to His reality.

It doesn’t mean I’ll magically feel fantastic and that I’ll be giddy to wake my baby up at 5:45 to feed him before I leave, but it’s a step of faith. And God honors that. 

So as the snow turns into puddles and all the dog poop appears in the backyard (yup, that was quite the sight to see this evening!), I do think about summer with a smile. But I recognize it will come with its own set of life things. 

Our family will need to adjust to a new rhythm with our day’s schedules, and to the fact that both Mama and Dada are there. We will have work obligations sometimes. And we will still have diapers to change and meals to prepare. Summer isn’t the Promised Land; neither is marriage, graduation, retirement, the promotion, having a baby, being the “ideal weight”, or anything in between. 

Heaven is waiting for those of us who believe in Jesus and follow Him. No matter where my emotions take me in a daydream, nothing compares to the excitement I feel over that. This sure, beautiful eternity that radiates perfection- and not this mustered-up, gotta-stay-strong-and-push-through standard we hold ourselves to, but complete and utter acceptance and holiness that begins and ends with His love for us...I can’t wait for that! 

Thank You, Jesus!