I understand why they say that you shouldn’t make a big life decision soon after a tragedy occurs. I see a lot of wisdom in that. You’re not thinking clearly; it’s hard to think rationally and realistically without emotions clouding our minds. But sometimes, tragedy becomes a catalyst for changes that needed to happen. Sometimes it can become a wakeup call- in a jolting-awake kind of way. That is what I have experienced, now six months after losing my father-in-law; there is no way for me to see life differently and go back to what was.
I think about this a lot these days- You can’t trade time. You can’t get it back or change what was. All we get on this earth are moments together that become memories. God gives us the time He has allotted for our lives, and it truly is a gift.
We lost Mike at the end of March. It was a shocking, unexpected loss that brought the tidal waves of grief heavily. He had battled throat cancer the last year of his life and came out of it cancer-free after enduring torturous radiation in his throat. He was a month out from recovering from a major neck and spine surgery that was improving his quality of life so much. He went to sleep talking about how excited he was to get out hunting and enjoying being outside again, and then he woke up in Heaven.
We as a family faced many times in the last year of Mike’s life where we wondered if we might lose him. Radiation and illness and nerve pain and everything else wore his body down, and it was so heartbreaking to watch. Those memories and scary moments are still haunting. But when he came out the other side of a major surgery so smoothly, we didn’t fear we would lose him.
I’m thankful for that last month with him- that his pain wasn’t as intolerable as it had been, and that we got to make more special memories. But I wish we had had more time.
It’s an interesting conflict of emotions as a believer. I know Mike is with Jesus right now. No pain, no suffering. I hope he’s fishing and laughing his big laugh, singing hymns and dancing. But we’re all so broken down here, missing him so much as we approach his 70th birthday this week.
Praise Lord Jesus for arresting death, for giving me the hope that this isn’t our final home- that death for a believer in Him means eternal life in His presence, but it hurts.
Grief can feel like such an unkind, unwanted creature, but it is also a necessary friend. When it first came to our family, I was a week away from major performances at school starting- the end of the year craziness. I had to be up on a stage, being evaluated while leading my students through the nerves of a festival performances just days after his death. JB was a week into soccer season, where he pours so much of his time and focus into shaping the character and technique of his players.
The last place I wanted to be was on the highway every day, commuting far from my hurting family. The last place I wanted to be was on a stage, leading multiple concerts and trying to put on a brave face when our entire world was just turned upside down. I knew I needed to work, as we were struggling to make ends meet. But it didn’t feel sustainable.
I didn’t know what needed to change or if anything could, but I felt turmoil in my soul.
One month ago, JB and I put our house on the market, and I quit my job. I didn’t see that coming!
I have been staring down my life recently and realizing how tiring it was- how often I was completely depleted. But I was also so thrilled to have the job I did. I had what I felt was my dream job. I was teaching orchestra at a middle school that fed into my high school, getting to start students from the beginning and seeing them through to the end of their high school years.
I had amazing principals who were extremely supportive of my programs, kind coworkers who worked hard for their students, wonderful families to partner with, and great classrooms. It was such a blessing.
But the drive was affecting my body. The early hours and draining days were taking a toll. I constantly felt like I was running on empty, but I thought that was just normal, having two toddlers and teaching.
In addition to the stress of my job, our finances weighed heavily on us. JB and I made a beautiful home together- one we were so thankful for and proud of. JB and I started our lives there and brought our two babies home there. We put a lot of time and money into fixing up our place and making it welcoming and “us”. But we also came together every month, struggling through the weight of debt and a tanking economy.
I turned to JB one night with a crazy idea that became a reality- what if we sold our house, paid off our debt, and moved in with his mom while we saved up?
We prayed and prayed about it. We wrestled with finding other solutions to disrupt what we wanted to change. We sought counsel from friends and financial advisors. But when JB’s mom said she had been wondering the same thing for us, we felt like God had been preparing all of us for this change for a while.
JB and I moved into Jan’s house in three days. Much like our story of knowing we were meant to spend our lives together, we acted swiftly once the decision was made.
I woke up on my 30th birthday in a different home, still processing the decision we had made only a week before and knowing in my heart it was what was best.
And although my footing has felt uneasy with all this change, I know Who my foundation is.
Our old house is closing in a few weeks, and I am a day away from welcoming students into my classroom at a new job.
So, back to my job…
I have come to realize that a dream job for me isn’t one where I teach exactly what I want all day. It’s not one with prestige or a lot of potential for fame. It’s not one that makes full use of my experiences and skills every single day or moment. I now feel that it is one that gives me time- time to take care of myself, time with family. I long for balance and the ability to tend to the things and people that matter most to me.
So how did I get here?! A few days after we moved out of our house, I started my seventh year of teaching with Anchorage School District. My two classrooms were set up, my repertoire was chosen, lesson plans for the first week written, and I was ready to stare down the beast of spinning all the plates again. And then, an opportunity came my way.
I heard from a friend that the music teacher at a program close to my house just suddenly retired. I pondered it for several hours and thought to myself, “No way am I considering this. No way would I leave what I love, especially now that the school year has started. No WAY am I moving and getting a new job- all within the span of a couple weeks!”
But God had other plans.
Every door seemed to open. The interview, the interactions. Being released from my contract with the old school district. Getting hired with a new school district.
And all of a sudden, I had three hours to clean out my classrooms I had spent four years in and a short time to hug a few people goodbye.
God made a way, and now I am teaching music at a homeschooling program that serves about 12% of our school district’s students. A job that is closer to home, slower-paced, and lends to a well-rounded life. Not to mention, it is four minutes down the road from our kids’ daycare. After being nearly 40 minutes away from them every day for five years, my heart is so full.
My life has been turned upside down, and you know what? It has been a huge blessing. I get to take my kids to school every day and soak in that time together. I have friends who I have known for years as coworkers. I am serving the kids in my own community, bringing more orchestra classes to my area. And I come home with so much more energy to get outside with my family or spend quality time with them.
What a gift!
When talking with my close friends and loved ones about all this crazy change, I have laughed when I think of how “Ruth and JB-esque” this all feels. As I mentioned earlier, we decided to get married quickly. When JB and I know something is right or best, we pause to pray together and then we act diligently.
I’m still adjusting to these life changes- waking up in a different home all of a sudden, living with more family members, going to a different job. I had spent the last six years of marriage and last five of parenthood in the same job and the same place, and I assumed that’s where I would always be.
But just like my move to Alaska that also started with a “I would NEVER do that” thought, God has led me to a new stage in this adventure with Him- this time with my loving husband and flexible, resilient kids by my side.
I have never felt closer to JB than I do now. We have walked through the Valley together, holding each other, cherishing each other. Serving one another when the grief and responsibilities of life feel overwhelming. And now we have taken this huge leap of leaving the comfort of our home and our barely-scraping-by American dream for one that we believe is better.
I have no one else to trust in but Jesus and my husband. We are taking this leap of faith to start fresh with our finances and also to spend time with family, helping where we can. We are taking this leap of me starting a new kind of job, teaching different musical content than I have before and having less on my shoulders.
Through all of this, I have found more and more areas in my faith that need Jesus’ loving touch. I long to find all sense of security and peace in Jesus- not in my identity as a musician or teacher, or in where or how I live; not in my circumstances in the good or hard times. I want to go where He leads me, looking to Him as we journey on.
This past year has taught me so much. I have never cried so much or thought about Heaven so much. The kinds of conversations I have with my kids now are so rich and hard and beautiful. The limits I have for taking on tasks are lower. Yet my desire to love and serve those around me is overflowing.
It’s a lot of growing and learning, but I’m never alone or out of His hands.
I am thankful for a God who has been with me as I wrestle and I doubt and hurt. I am thankful for the gifts of love and relationship He has given me. I am grateful for the hope and promise of eternity with Him! And in the meantime, I’m praising God for these life changes that have given me more time and freedom and stretching than I could have imagined.
