You and Me

There was a time in my life where I fancied myself to be a relationship expert. I thought that because I am a naturally empathetic person who is pretty attuned to other’s thoughts, it meant I had all the answers for any situation. It was a simpler, more naive time in life where I thought a good old pep talk could cheer any friend up and that if I gave enough love and attention to someone, that would lead to a strong relationship- one that, by the way, would always make me feel good. Oh, younger Ruth! As JB says during any of my crazy driving mishaps, “My sweet summer child….” (I promise I’m not a horrible driver; I’m still just newer at it...judge me all you want!!). 

I’ve come to learn a lot about how messy relationships are- and a little mess is not only normal but is a good thing. Also, my big takeaway about any relationship in life: it takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes vulnerability and prayer and meeting people where they are. And relationships are not all about me (am I the only one who struggles with accepting that?!). 

One truth right off the bat that my sweet twin, Rachel, and I constantly remind each other of: just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s not right. Humans are complicated. We’ve all got stuff- baggage from the past, fears, unique personalities, varying ways of communicating and showing love. We are not one-size-fits-all. So yeah, marriage, friendships, family relationships- they all take work as each person tries to understand where the other is coming from and attempts to be attuned to the other’s needs. It’s humbling and hard!

As we are all navigating our days and doing life together, there are bound to be hurts and misunderstandings along the way. I can think back to specific social groups and seasons of my life where I felt hurt by someone. Looking back, I can see how my default personality quirks led me to avoid addressing any hurt until we just drifted apart. Sometimes that is totally natural, especially in big life changes. But I do wish I had expressed more of how I felt and tried to press into those conversations with those friends more. It’s messy, especially when there is hurt; but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth the fight. Even if the relationships may not have been ones I saw myself investing in long-term, I think it would have been important practice for this confrontation-phobe to share my feelings (there’s probably a real term for that phobia; feel free to look it up and let me know, so I can add it to my bio. Except BOOM- I won’t add that, because I’m working on it!!!!). 

Another thing I have been thinking about as I come to know and love more people is how to walk alongside friends who are hurting; and on the other side of that, I’m learning more about how to let friends in when I’m hurting. Once again, I have been humbled to realize we all handle life’s stresses and griefs differently and need different things. 

I think as someone who loves to help others, I can too quickly become Positive Polly and assume that all will be better after one epic, affirming talk (sorry if your name is Polly...although that’s better than when a friend of mine called me “Rude Ruth” all throughout high school!).

But I’ve realized that life is way heavier than fretting over a bad haircut at a sleepover (been there...as I look back at old pictures, way too many times….). There are deeply rooted things we are all working through, and the goal is to not “fix everything” in a conversation with a friend, child, spouse, sibling. It’s just to be there and love the person well. 

This question keeps running through my mind:

What if the point of walking through hard things with loved ones isn’t to make it better, but to just be there?

That means there will be some awkwardness, some “I’m at a loss for words” moments; and that's a good thing! Because newsflash, Ruth- my relationships aren’t designed to be about me. They’re all about Jesus. I don’t know how to comfort my husband? Point him to Jesus. I don’t know what to say to a friend? Give them a hug, and pray with them. I have no idea what to do when my toddler is tantruming? Pray and ask for wisdom. Let her tell me what’s going on after some deep breaths. 

So why do I put so much pressure on myself to “say all the right things”? Why am I afraid to open up to friends about my anxieties, my struggles, my frustrations? And why do I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect person to lean on when times are stretching for my loved ones? I think a lot of it is pride. Phew, pride. It could be my middle name. That would actually sound sort of epic….Ruth Pride Schwartz, aka “Rude Ruth” Pride Schwartz. 

But ultimately, I struggle with these things because of my lack of focus on what matters. I’m not here to perform. I’m not on this earth or in these relationships to prove what a great comforter I am or how “put together” I am (which is actually part of the reason I’m sharing my blog on social media...it’s very freeing for me to admit I’m just as cooky and complicated as anyone else).

Some days (probably many days), I cling way too much to what others are saying or doing- about anything…-, and I then try to define my entire view of my day, my decisions, or myself through that lens. My heart is often very open to whatever is in front of me, but it is also so easily swayed.

But my focus needs to be the cross. I need Jesus. My view of myself, of others, and the bridge between me and others is all shaped around Jesus. 

A reading plan I just started on the Bible app (what an amazing tool!) is all about relationships. The devotional for day one pointed back to the relationship between God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. Can I wrap my mind around the Three in One concept- the fact that God is all three? No. But I can see the fruit and beauty and Truth from that relationship, and I can set my heart’s fuzzy focus clear when I strive to have relationships like the Trinity. 

And if the Trinity seems too lofty for my mind to cling to, as that adorable starfish in Finding Nemo clings to the fish tank (that image just came to me… I’m such a poet lol), let me cling to the example Jesus sets.

When I think about Jesus’ unending faithfulness and love for me and His sacrifice so that my heart, body, mind, and soul could be set right with Him forever, the self-centeredness and relational doubts fade away. 

Honestly, the more relationships I have- friends, coworkers, my second husband (just wanted to make sure you were still with me in my ramblings)- the more I feel like I’m not cut out for this relationship gig. Sometimes I do want to crawl under a rock and wait for my insecurities, my questions, etc. to just go away. I get so frustrated and impatient with myself sometimes. I feel like a middle school girl with so many emotions and questions and nothing but a new haircut to get me through the feels (at least my haircuts are amazing now because of the amazing Linda Smith!). But again, there is love and forgiveness- not only from my one and only husband and friends, but more importantly, from my Savior. 

What if I embraced the mess and stopped chasing perfection? What if I let my guard down around new friends more, or my fellow teachers? What if I asked a friend how I could be there for them instead of rehearsing the perfect piece of advice in my head the moment they opened up to me? What if I embraced the discomfort of walking through disappointments and hardships with my people? It’s okay to not have everything figured out. It’s okay to not know what in the world I’m doing. It’s okay to even say a dumb thing, or...goodness forbid, something that might rub someone the wrong way or even hurt them. I don’t need to be scared, and I don’t need to be perfect. There is already Someone who is. Someone who is the Embodiment and Creator of wisdom, compassion, grace, empathy, forgiveness. All the good stuff- you name it. 

Just look at the Cross. Point others to the cross. Be my messy self and thank Jesus that I have others who are also trying to do the same alongside me. He is with us and working in it all. Even in the conversations you wish you could take back. Even in the mess, the emotions, the text you sort of wish you had worded differently...or not sent at all. Even in the moments that brought so much color and joy to your life. 

So, another jumbled collection of emotions and words fill my page tonight. But this self-focused perfectionist needed a reminder of the Gospel through this relational lens. 

I’m so grateful I don’t have to “naturally get it”. I just need to show up and lean into Jesus- over and over and over. I hope and pray He guides you and me as we press into our relationships with these things in mind. 

I love you, dear friend! That’s a phrase I’ll never regret saying. Go forth and say that to someone in your life! :)

I went stalking on my Facebook to try to find a picture
of my worst haircut...and I sure found it.
But I also found this adorable picture of me on my first day of preschool,
and it made me smile so much! I hope it makes you smile, too. :)

Nighttime Vibes

I was finishing up the epic pile of dishes after dinner tonight as JB burped Ethan and entertained Emma, and I had a weird passing thought (anybody else get those?!)- life is so mundane, but SO beautiful. So, so beautiful. 

Okay, I know that’s not glamorous to say… And I know that I can almost seem like I am ungrateful for life. So let me explain. First of all, let’s back up.

JB and I sat down for dinner with the kids tonight and looked at each other and asked ourselves, why don’t we do this more often? In all honesty, this is just the second night in a row in what feels like a very long time that we have all 4 eaten dinner at the same time. And while we want to continue this habit to eat as a family and catch up on our day all together, I quickly remembered tonight why JB and I typically wait to eat dinner until after the kids are down… It’s chaos! It is like horror movie meets the zoo. Between a toddler who is currently going through a picky phase and loves to put up a fight over her scrambled eggs and toast (sacreligious, I know!!), to a baby who was tired and was expressing his exhaustion through firework-like shrieks, it’s so hard to get a word in! After the bartering with the toddler was finished and a new parenting hack was successfully tried (bubble in your mouth apparently not only works for kindergartners, but also for two-year-olds!), JB and I were finally able to finish our three sentences to each other and transition to the aforementioned dishwashing/baby burping/toddler playing scenario. 

I have been sorting through so many things internally in the past year. As an extrovert whose job typically involves being on my feet and being around people all day, the initial months of quarantine were super difficult for me. There are definitely still times where I struggle with accepting this current pace of life, but God has given me a lot of peace with having a slower, not-necessarily-quieter-life. Part of what I’ve had to come to terms with in the past year, is that busyness does not equal fulfillment. That is huge for me. Huge!

I am a deep thinker, and sometimes freaked out by my emotions and thoughts. I get bored easily, I have a hard time relaxing because I never feel like I’ve “earned” my rest. So I like to spend a lot of time with people. I like to pour into others and not necessarily face any internal struggles I’m dealing with… Because daily life can often feel hard enough; why would I want to address any frustrations, fears, or sins in my own heart?! Well, God is so good and has shown me in this past year that being alone with myself- being alone with Him- isn’t as terrifyingly earth-shattering as I thought. He can take all my fears and issues; He wants me to give them to Him.

During this time at home and in having time to be still, God has shown me that working through my emotions and struggles with Him leads to so much more peace. Yeah, that means I have to face my baggage and junk. But then I can move on from it and stop carrying it around. One of those big things I needed to face was what I wrote about last time- accepting and embracing working while having little ones. I also have to face the fact that doing the same repeated tasks every day- those things I so longed to do as a mom when I was working away from my kids- are extremely hard in their own way. Through all of this deepening of my dependence on God, I have felt this entire world of grace and love open up before my very eyes. I can see Jesus clearer when I spend time with Him, and also when I intentionally choose to talk to Him about and work through the hard things.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but that is a very generalized summary of what I have been learning recently. This spiritual growth is slowly changing my view of my everyday life. I am coming to see (and sometimes this is a daily battle to remember) that life is not about having a busy schedule. It is not about how many people I can help in one day. It is not about how great my orchestra sounds or what my coworkers think of me. It is not about how much conflict I can avoid (oops...yeah, I do that). It is not about finding the “next adventure”. All of those things are wonderful (except for avoiding conflict haha), but those things are not what bring my life richness. My life is rich in those moments where I am dragging myself out of bed in the morning to open my Bible, even when all I want is to either go back to sleep or turn on some soap opera that will let me disappear from the demands of adulthood for 30 minutes. My life is rich when I am wiping off my baby’s face and hands as he is crying...because he hates having his face cleaned or his nose blown. My life is rich when I go and start my husband's car in the morning to help him get out the door a little faster and make his day start a little smoother. My life is even rich when I am working through my pride and am confessing that to Jesus or to my husband. These moments are not the story book, movie reel moments that I thought all of marriage and parenthood would be as a young girl. Life has a lot of dishes and a lot of toilet cleaning. It also has a lot of giggles, hugs, answered prayers, gentle winds through the trees, and words of encouragement that make your heart soar.

I can’t run away from myself; and there are moments where I feel at the complete end of myself. But what a beautiful place to be! ...because that is exactly where I find Jesus.

I just love when I have these moments of clarity (even if it is just for a few minutes)- these times where I can look past all the weight of being a human on this planet and just see that life is about me and Jesus. Simple. Me and Him (fun fact, when I first typed that, I wrote, “Me and Jim”....don’t tell JB!). Life is about His love for me and His calling on my life to love others well and point them to Him. I struggle with remembering that and accepting that call so often. I can be tossed to and fro by my emotions, the latest cool sweatshirt that I really want, or the daydream that I’m struggling to let go of as I am changing another diaper. And Jesus knows all that and is sitting right next to me, smiling with His loving eyes and asking me to come to Him with all those things... and to count my blessings.

Life definitely has those moments where both of your family's cars need to go to the shop, one day after the other. There are those weeks where everyone is feeling exhausted and at the end of their ropes and you just wish Mary Poppins were a thing and you could finally get a night off. Those days where it’s super windy and cold out and you’re just over the daily grind...that happens a lot. Especially in Alaska during the winter. All of those things have completely been this week for me and JB. But I am continually asking Jesus to not let me miss those moments where I see His hand in all of it. I see that Jesus kept me and the kids safe while driving a car that we didn’t know needed a repair until it hit its limit. He provided another car for us to drive in the meantime…because it had just been fixed in the shop the day before! He has given us extra moments as a family when COVID canceled afterschool obligations. He’s given us sweet moments, laughing with our toddler and seeing the wonder in her eyes when we puff up our cheeks and pretend like we swallowed bubbles. He has given us food and dishes to eat them off of. He has given us a warm home and a crazy dog who loves to scavenge for food, but who also functions as a very cute and effective vacuum cleaner. He has given me those five minutes of quiet where I sit down with nothing good stirring in my heart and I’m able to walk away with a Truth from His Word that carries me through the rest of the day (even if I don’t feel any different). 

Two year-old Emma took this picture of me yesterday
when I was on a Zoom call and she stole my phone! 
I was so thoroughly impressed and thought it was so
funny, I had to share! 

This life is all about Him and His love for us. In those moments where life just feels so messy or so monotonous, I turn my face toward the cross, and I’m reminded of the ultimate price that He paid for us. And I take heart in the fact that my heart will never feel fully content until I am in the arms of Jesus. We have heaven in our hearts and Jesus by our side at all times.

Whether all of these reflections are age-old truths for you, or they just sound like absolute crazy talk to you, I hope and pray that you find some encouragement in them tonight. Even if it’s just to take comfort in knowing that you are absolutely not alone and that you are loved.

Good night, sweet friends!