Leaping Onto the Rock

Bittersweet: “Pleasure united with pain”.

-The Merriam-Webster dictionary

I really don't remember taking this picture...it seems unreal! And yet, this is the view
from the park outside the orchestra room at Thunder Mountain.

Thank God for Alaska. If it weren’t for its mountains, its many waters, its trails and paths, I am not sure I would have gotten through the past two weeks. There was strong intentionality with skipping my blog post last week, and you will soon discover why.

About ten days ago, I took myself to the downtown library in Juneau, locked myself in a small room, and sat with an old typewriter under the florescent lights. I opened up my computer and quickly discovered its data was so full that it wouldn’t allow me to use the application I needed in just seven minutes. So I frantically downloaded the Skype app on my phone and proceeded to have an interview- an interview that, seemingly, has changed my life.

I was interviewing for a full-time teaching job where I would get to work with sixth graders at a handful of schools. I would get to teach beginning string orchestra classes- an idea that both excited me and also made me feel extremely nervous. Before I knew it, I had answered all the interview questions and was then asking my three interviewers some questions of my own. As they described what my daily schedule would be, I envisioned myself, driving from school to school throughout the day, setting up my class, teaching it, and tearing it down- all in 45 minutes. And it excited me. A warm feeling of familiarity crept up in me as I reflected on my own experiences, running into the schools where I taught cello in Chicago and setting up for rehearsals with JAMM here.

I felt pretty good about the interview, especially since it had been my second one of the year, and I felt less nervous this time around. I strolled up and down the docks alongside the Channel for a little bit afterward, recounting the entire experience to my twin. And then I settled into the time of waiting, expecting to not hear back for at least a week or two. Two days later, I received the call...from Anchorage: “Ruth, we want you”. And I was given three-four days to think about it.

The view of Auke Bay from Lindsay's house! I walked all the way out to the rocks right in the water.

So, last weekend I was in a pretty weird place. I was full of anxiety about this decision. Do I stay, or do I go? Do I continue to invest in the professional and personal relationships I have here, invest in Juneau for longer term, or do I make my home elsewhere? It was not an easy decision. Hence, my thankfulness for God’s quiet, calming creation. I took many moments this past week to think in nature. I went on my first Alaskan camping trip last weekend (and I’d say, first “real” camping experience ever), and I couldn’t help but peel away and sit on the rocks, looking out at the ocean for a while as I prayed. I struggled with trying to listen to God’s voice because all I could hear were my own thoughts. My fears, excitements, and sadness. Later in the week, I took myself down to the docks outside my house and watched the sunset, trying to put pencil to paper and verbally process what I was thinking and feeling. After discussions with several loved ones and a lot of those times spent thinking and praying alone, I knew that I needed to step out in faith and take this opportunity.

It’s funny the different stages a person goes through when making a decision such as this. It’s a familiar feeling to me, since I made this choice just over a year ago when I came here. But this time, everything was on a whole new level. My initial reaction was complete shock and excitement. “I got a job?! Straight out of school? Oh wait...I’m still in school! How is this happening?!”. That feeling of joy remained for a solid day. And then my day “two of four” began, and the angst set in. “Wait- I have to make a decision...by early this week?!”. And once I made my choice and accepted the offer, some more emotions set in. Excitement over starting my first, official teaching job. Slight terror of being a new teacher. And sadness over breaking the news to people I deeply care about (including my students), and having to say goodbye to this place.

As I approach my last week of student teaching, I still have more people to tell and many moments to soak in. All of it will be laced with a sweet sadness that can only be described as something bittersweet. There is such great pleasure in this big life decision: a stable salary, a bigger city, an exciting professional opportunity. But the pain is just as much part of the process. I have begun to look at everything here in a different way, with a different glimpse of the eye. The vision of the one moving on becomes more intentional and purposeful. Man, will I miss this place.

I wonder as I take this big, adult step of taking a job somewhere and moving to a different city, how many others around me have done this very thing. I was sitting in Sunday School this morning, surrounded by people who were mostly three times my age, wondering- did they ever feel the turmoil coating this stage of life? I can’t think of any other way to describe it; the twenties seem to be a big time of change for many. The unknown is both exhilarating and exhausting.

The Shrine of St. Therese. :) This is exactly
where I was standing when I received the exciting
news I was offered the job!

Now that you’ve heard all about my deepest musings throughout this huge decision I made, you’re probably wondering what, exactly, it entails. I’ll share as many details as I can right now and know you will share in my hopeful excitement as we wait to learn more! I will be a sixth grade beginning string orchestra teacher at six (possibly seven) different schools in the Anchorage School District (ASD). Some days, I may go to four schools. I already looked into the schools I will be at, and they are all within 10 miles from one another in midtown Anchorage. Once everything is confirmed, I can share more about the schools! Two of the people who were in my interview have the same position I do, but at different schools in the District. This may be shocking to you, but Anchorage has 15 (maybe now 16?!) people doing this exact job, all over the city. There is a system for itinerant teachers- an organized system- and a base office for them. A built-in community. And I learned that there is great support for the arts in the schools in Anchorage, and many of the itinerant teachers feel strong support from the other teachers and administrators in the schools they go to. I will be a “music-teacher-on-the-go”, if you will, bringing my classroom with me, and possibly even student instruments. It will be a substantial amount of travel, but this position actually greatly piqued my interest because of the itinerant aspect. I think there will be some strong positives to this position, including teaching just orchestra (and not being asked to do anything else), avoiding politics that we all know happens within most schools, and being able to experience many different schools in the District! Also, in case you’re wondering, I will receive travel compensation. I am very excited to get to know all my kids, and I can tell I will also have a strong support system around me. I have already been emailing with a fellow itinerant teacher who has answered all of my questions and welcomed me well. It will be a good place for me to dive into teaching full-time.

That is as much as I currently know. I have begun to look at apartments and cars, both things I will greatly need as soon as I move up in late July/early August. My first day is August 17th, which gives me six days of being a year older (maybe it’ll make me wiser, too?!).

And thus continues my amazing Alaskan adventure. This place has captured my heart; I wouldn’t dare leave it next year! And while it is important to recognize the pain of letting go of Juneau (at least for now), it is equally necessary to celebrate the great pleasure I have had to get to know this wonderful town and its loving people. Juneau is where so much of it began, and I will forever treasure that.

“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.” -"Oceans" by Hillsong

By Faith

"Faith is choosing to keep our eyes open to the reality that we are held in every way possible by the Giver and Provider of all things."

-Another "Ruth musing" from earlier in the week

Keep this image of me and Saturn, Sophia's cat for the year,
in your mind as you read this post. :)

First of all, to anyone reading my second of two blog posts this week, kudos to you! Because it has not been long since I last wrote, this post will highlight more of the internal happenings in my life.

First of all, I think it’s safe to say that we tend to find ourselves in places we would never expect- physically, emotionally, spiritually- you name it. And while I am just entering the trailhead of this life stage, I am finding that the post-college 20’s decade is full of so many surprises. I know I’ve said it with excitement and pride many times, but I would have never expected to live in Alaska. I never imagined myself teaching or conducting an orchestra. Honestly, I never thought I could stand up in front of a large group of people and be heard. Not because of any psychological blocks or fears, per se, but more because I am used to being one of the quieter souls who connects with people one-on-one and lets others take the spotlight. And here I am, making my high schoolers laugh and encouraging them to find meaning in their lives as I stand up in front of them and gab excitedly.

My future has been on my mind a lot lately. What will become of my career? How will I use my passions? Will I someday soon be married, starting my own family, as I watch so many around me embark on that thrilling and tiring journey? Will I travel more, or will I hunker down and focus on establishing a home? There are so many unknowns. And sometimes, that drives me up a wall. I mean, I’m Type A, an ambitious college graduate, and a dreamer with high expectations. What a threatening combination! I am like many of the other millennials around me (why do I hate that word?! Maybe because it’s not always said with the loveliest of tones…)- we crave adventure. We lay down under the stars and imagine a “huge” future that often includes some version of backpacking around the world, getting tattoos that truly embody our “free spirits”, and we will eventually be recognized for something big- whether it is for starting a successful nonprofit or making it into a major orchestra. Or maybe it’s just having more than 100 Facebook likes on the hipster photo we got of ourselves looking pensively away from the camera and into whatever beautiful landforms we found ourselves surrounded by that day.

Sometimes, I get swept up in these grand feelings of wanting something more. I want to do more, be more, live more. And here I am. I’m in Alaska, surrounded by mountains, standing up in front of large groups of people and getting public recognition, getting Facebook likes- the whole deal. And yet, it doesn’t feel like enough. How is that?

Sophia and I hiked up Perseverance Trail and into the Granite Basin this afternoon, and we talked of many things for those several hours. As we talked with such love and care of our families who are so far away and then switched over to talking about more menial things, we eventually found ourselves counting the hours we work each week. Even with the amount we two workaholics put in, it doesn’t feel like enough. Even when the music sounds beautiful and the kids are smiling, grabbing your legs for hugs. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like enough for me.

But I’ve carried on, focusing on doing what I can to be a good teacher and be the most positive, loving person I can be, reminding myself that every interaction I have with someone means something. And then it hit me yesterday through an honest conversation with my dear twin. I have been dancing around the reality of life for a while. I think what really happened is I got distracted and dazed. And eventually, it all became a blur. You see, I believe that my main purpose in life is to live closely to God in order to become more like Him and his Son. And so many parts of my life radiated this belief by the time I graduated from college. I was heavily involved in ministry, leading a small group for my fellow musicians and artists. I helped lead worship. Daily Bible reading was pretty much a thing. It felt as if the lens was clear. I could see how my experiences and gifts could be used for the purpose I knew I was created to do.

But things, as they do, made my glasses dusty and my contacts blurred (I’m just trying to give you the full picture of me, which varies daily from crazy hair + glasses, to crazy hair + contacts). I started to focus more on my career, my relationships, and my financial stability. Are these things worthy causes to invest a great amount of my time in? Of course! But they became my end goal, my main purpose in living, which left me feeling a little lost. And as I ponder where I go next, this truth has become ever clearer to me. I just can’t do it; I can’t live for my job like I’ve been trying to do. I can’t live for trying to find the ideal partner. And I can’t live for this bursting-out-of-my-chest feeling of “wanting more”. The only time I ever feel peace in those momentary flashes is when I step outside of the present and look way beyond with an eternal perspective. The only way I have ever found solace from wanting more is when I focus on Jesus Christ. It’s just the truth. I could have everything I currently want and still be unsatisfied. How do I know that? Because I truly have so many wonderful gifts in my life, and I see them multiply more and more this year. I live in one of the most heavenly places. I mean, I spend my quiet times with Jesus singing hymns on the ocean dock across the street from me. My backyard overlooks an island full of mountains. And I saw two porcupines hanging out in trees today. Come on. I am also surrounded by incredible people here. I really don’t know what I would do without the other three girls in the program. They’ve gotten me through some very hard times, and we have a unique bond. And my family and friends are always just a phone call away, not to mention the wonderful parental figures I have here. I work with students who deeply care about one another and me. They respect adults, and they care about the music they are learning. I can join my high schoolers in funny conversations about their siblings when they were all little, and then go comfort my elementary schoolers who are nervous about moving into middle school (it almost feels too familiar because that’s exactly how I felt about graduating from college!). I have kids and teachers and colleagues who love me and continuously ask if I’ll be here next year. Others simply demand I stay in the most funny and affectionate way, and I can’t tell you how loved that makes me feel. I feel like a valuable member of society here, which is something I didn’t expect to feel at 22. And then there are the countless ways in which I have grown this year. Just the fact that I can make it up to the Mt. Roberts clearing without stopping is a victory for me! But I have made tough decisions and have established healthy boundaries for myself. I’ve learned to love being by myself, which is a miraculous twin win.

A classic "Ruth picture": I made faces at the kids throughout the whole cello ensemble concert to help alleviate their nerves and get them to enjoy the moment! Did it work? Who knows, but I sure had fun!!

I went to a church last night that has a small but captivating group of congregants and a passionate pastor. His sermon was on the first 13 verses of Hebrews 12, and his main point was, if you aren’t going through something hard right now, then you will soon. And when you do, you can choose to let it be a time marked with incredible grief, despair, anger, and difficulty, or it can be a time of incredible closeness to God. And actually, that time will probably still be filled with all those hardships, but it will be framed in a completely different way. These are all points I had heard before, but I needed to hear that yesterday. As I struggle with fear, heartache, confusion, and any other feelings we all encounter, I can choose to soak in those fleeting feelings. Or I can let God strengthen my weak knees. I can get up and keep running (or maybe just walking for me!). It’s very easy for me to say, “Well I don’t have time for it right now”, or come up with plenty of other excuses. But when I remember that God only wants what is the absolute best for us, it reminds me that I should want the same thing for myself. I don’t need to keep skating along or waiting for my time to come. The time is now.

So this post is more like a stream of consciousness, heart-to-heart with myself type-post. But what I am hoping and praying is, as I have been so honest with you all after being super honest with myself (which I think is the scariest part), these thoughts and realizations will encourage you. I could not tell you how many questions I have for God. So many question marks. I am staring at the rest of my life and cannot solidly picture anything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been faced with darkness from the past, present, or future this year and have felt God calling me to the light once again. I also invite you to come to Him with your own set of fears, prejudices, distrust, and sadness, and hand it over. That is how you and I live more.

I’ll pray for you, if you pray for me! Just kidding. I’d pray for all of you, no matter what. Because I love you, just as He does.

Praise God for the mountains; without them, I would forever be in the valleys.

But wait...THERE'S MORE!!

“Finish what you start, even when it’s tough- that’s grit. Climb that mountain- you might fall, but just stick with it!”

-Excerpt from the Growth Mindset rap we teachers wrote at the Juneau Basic Arts Institute last summer, when I first started my journey. :)

First of all, if you have ever seen any infomercial, my post title should be read with that exact tone of voice. ;) Shout-out to Steve Balderston, who does a pretty killer impression of a telemarketer with this phrase!!!

All our cute JAMM cellists at UAS Egan Library on Saturday!

So, I am sorry that my post is super late this week! Some pretty big things happened in the last 10 or so days, so I have lots to write about!

Let’s just break it down by the various events.

First, my teacher work sample is finished!! I turned in this final assignment before the deadline so I could focus on my school lesson plans and the cello ensemble concert. It felt great to compile all my findings from my unit plan in one place and share what I have learned through this five-week journey. My students continue to present their final projects, which are slideshows with pictures, a jazz song, and a script read over it. Although it was a lot of work to teach the kids how to use the technology required for the project, it was so worth it. Their classroom teacher (who is incredibly kind and helpful- I could not have done this unit so smoothly without her!) even commented that the final project was so engaging and motivating for her class; she gave students time in class to work on it, and they really got into finding fun photos to capture their stories about music.

That was Wednesday. Now, Friday was a busy day: Sophia and I were subbing for Lorrie, and we were tasked with removing all 50+ chairs and 25+ stands from the music room, making sure each was labeled for the cello ensemble concert at UAS. Thankfully, Meghan, my standpartner in the Symphony and cello teacher colleague at GV who also arranged this entire epic concert, put in a work order with the district for them to move the chairs and stands to the UAS library where the concert was. So all we needed to do was have them ready to go! Maintenance came and picked them up, and we made sure all the cellists also packed up their instruments before the end of the day. In addition to that, the quartet had a sneaky surprise cooking on Friday: we wanted to do something special to thank one of our fabulous kindergarten teachers who actually helped start JAMM at Glacier Valley and has been a faithful, integral volunteer with JAMM ever since. She is retiring at the end of this year, so we and the students put together a homemade gift to thank her for everything and wish her well. But we also wanted to thank Lorrie for all the incredible work she has done, and our fifth graders who were the first class of JAMM students and are now moving on to middle school wanted to take part in her gift in a big way. So we wrote a short song to a familiar tune, “Beautiful Skies” from the Mark O’Connor music methods books for Lorrie and gave her a homemade gift as well. Check out our song for her here. The kids meant every word, and it was very special. :)

Then, the cello ensemble concert! Meghan and I arrived at UAS at 9:30am to set up all 50 chairs and their stands for the second grade through adult-aged cellists performing. Then, came the Juneau Symphony cello choir rehearsal at 11. We rehearsed until 1, when students started arriving! Everything was back-to-back, and of course, when the concert began, time just seemed to fly by. The Juneau Symphony cello choir tackled a big goal of putting together 9 pieces, performed by 9 cellists together. The music ranged from tangos, to hymns, to “classical classics”, if you will. The performance could not have gone smoother, especially since the dress rehearsal was pretty rough and stress-filled (isn’t that always the case?!)! Check out one of our pieces, Oblivion, here.

The Scholarship for Strings concert featured over 50 cellists from our community. It was so special!

Then, all our JAMM cellists from Glacier Valley, Auke Bay, and Riverbend elementary schools joined us, in addition to some of our middle and high school cellists from the district. Together, we performed five pieces. Here’s one. :) It was glorious to have over 50 cellists from ages seven to over sixty playing music together. And it was a great fundraiser for the MAT scholarship fund for our next group of teaching artists coming in. I haven’t heard the total amount raised yet, but every chair was filled, and people were standing in the back. So, that’s a good sign!!

Many appreciative thank you’s were said, and I walked home with delicious chocolates and multiple bouquets of beautiful flowers. People in Juneau sure know how to be appreciative of one another, and I felt so grateful for that and for everyone’s hard work to make that event possible. :)

That night, I actually chaperoned Prom for Thunder Mountain!! It was held at a nice hotel downtown called the Baranof, and it was a blast. I mostly did it to get to know the other teachers and students at TM who I never see, since Sophia and I are tucked back in the orchestra/choir/band hallway and leave the building halfway through the day. The other teachers were awesome and hilarious, and the kids were so mature and respectful of one another and the chaperones. It was a fun night!

We did it!! I, Sophia, and Heidi are pictured here. Lindsay began the program late
and can choose to walk in the graduation next year. :)

And then, graduation!!! I got up on Sunday, went to church pretty exhausted after staying out late, and headed over the the UAS recreation center for graduation. The ceremony was so uniquely Alaskan: there were decorations all over the walls with form line design and the UAS logo, and we processed in to Alaska Native dancers and drummers performing. It was amazing! Multiple speeches were made, and I was pretty cold by the time they asked the graduates to stand up and wait to walk onto the stage. I was standing next to Sophia and Heidi and a few other MAT colleagues whom I had actually never met in person but had heard in class every Thursday. How crazy! The nerves and excitement were built up for us all as we walked up the ramp to the stage. And then, the cameraman handed his camera to the guy next to me (who I knew from class) and told us we could take some group selfies as we walked up. We not only did that, but the MAT graduate holding the camera proceeded to take selfies as his name was called, he was hooded with his Master’s hood, and he walked across the stage. It was hilarious! It was truly a special moment to stand up on that stage and hear my name called, attached with a “Master of Arts in Teaching” at the end. I was beaming as I bent down to have my hood put on me, and I continued to smile as I shook the hands of all the men standing on the stage (why were there only men, I do not know! Especially since ⅔ of UAS graduates are female, apparently!). I walked off and returned to my seat, full of pride. The ceremony ended, and I joined Eric and Teri, Lorrie, and the other girls for hugs, flowers, and a photoshoot! It was still very exciting and shocking what had just happened. As the photos continued, it began to hit me, though, that my family is usually all here with me for these big events. And while they were all diligently watching online and taking every screenshot of me they could, it didn’t feel the same. I reminded myself of all the times they have been there for me and felt very grateful for those who are with me in Alaska, cheering me on. Eric and Teri took me out to dinner, and the celebrations continued throughout the evening.

Sunday was full of many emotions: excitement, pride, nostalgia, and joy. But Monday...that was a whole other ball park of emotions! The exhaustion of staying up late working on my teacher work sample, rehearsing for the cello ensemble concert, chaperoning Prom, and spending time with friends, definitely took a toll, and I was a complete ghost by Monday. I also began to wonder if choosing to walk in graduation was the best thing for me, mentally and emotionally. To celebrate a close of a chapter and still continue writing that very chapter the following day just felt wrong. By Monday night, I was feeling like I really needed a break. Thankfully, I had supporters around me who understood, and the load was slightly lifted the next day, which helped my transition back into my 13-hour Tuesday’s go smoother. Sophia and I got together after we taught our private lessons and watched the sun set over Auke Bay, eating ice cream and giggling loudly about who know’s what (we were both deliriously tired), and we finished off the night with a movie.

And the final big event of the week was the final JAMM informance over the year, which was yesterday! It was a special, tear-filled time of celebrating all our students, JoAnn (our kindergarten teacher), and Lorrie. Showing our surprise video for Lorrie worked out great, and I was so relieved to have that secret out of the bag! In addition to the homemade gift for JoAnn, our chamber group had been working on the Star Wars theme song, which we performed for her in the dark with “light saber bows” (which were actually glow sticks taped to bows- it looked awesome!). So we concluded the informance with the Star Wars surprise, and it was epic. Pictures and videos will be posted on Facebook as soon as they become available!

As the week wraps up, I have gotten many congratulations from people. Tyree announced to the orchestra on Monday that we graduated with our Master’s degrees and revealed to our students all that Sophia and I have been doing this year: conducting the orchestras, teaching other classes at TM, teaching music at GV and with JAMM, and taking online classes to earn our Masters. They seemed pretty surprised! I think our students don’t always realize all that teachers do, but I also think we don’t always realize everything they do! The librarian with whom I team-teach for my unit plan announced the same thing to my fourth graders, and they were so happy for me. I told them the best gift they could give me was a picture of me with all of them, so that’s exactly what we did. It’s my new lock screen photo, and it makes me happy. :) A couple of my private students gave me gifts to congratulate me as well, thanking me for my work with them. These tiny things make me realize that I am definitely happy I walked for graduation and that I am very loved here. It means a lot to me. The best gift of all that I received this week, though, came from one of my unit plan fourth graders. He is one of the sweetest, most helpful students at Glacier Valley, and he also came to the cello ensemble concert this weekend. He came up to me nervously at the end of class this week, and said, “Miss Ruth...I wanted to let you know that I want to play the cello next year...because...I saw you play it this weekend, and you play it so well”. It just made my heart soar to hear that all the years in the practice room, all the nerve-wracking performances in studio class and the lessons I worked so hard to prepare for, inspired a young student to learn the instrument I play. Yay!!!

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been asked constantly what my plans are for next year. This weekend brought it to a whole new level- I was asked at least three times a day this weekend. It can be overwhelming, for sure. I have a few potential prospects in Juneau and elsewhere, and I am waiting to see what opens up and where I am accepted. I don’t want to officially announce anything through writing until I know, but those close to me are free to reach out! This next step will be a big one, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel ready for it. But I would definitely love to continue this Alaskan adventure, if I can help it!

Stay tuned for another post this weekend or later on in the week! I am now at blog post #38, which is hard to believe. :) Thank you to those who are still hanging in there, especially with longer posts like these. :)

Watching the sun set over Auke Bay! The sun doesn't set until 9pm in Juneau these days, and it is getting brighter, faster and faster. I don't know how I'll sleep with such beauty all around me this summer!

The Curve in the Path

“I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed”.

-Bill Watterson, author of Calvin and Hobbes

The luscious view from Perseverance Trail.

Sophia entitled her blog post this week “The Beginning of the End”, which I think is a proper way to frame my post as well. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I’m looking at my calendar and seeing that I have five weeks left of my student teaching. Five weeks! How did that happen? It’s a weird feeling- I feel accomplished, excited, and nervous. I think I mostly feel nervous because I don’t feel ready for this stage of my education to be over! I still have so much to learn.

Thank you so much for all you do, Dick!

And yet, I had my final teaching observation with Dick last week, and he, Lorrie, and I sat down for my final evaluation on Thursday. I walked away feeling encouraged, seeing how much I have learned and knowing what I can still work on. To hear these two veteran teachers say, “You can do this”, and better yet, “You’re a good teacher”, means a lot to me. Sophia and I were sad to say goodbye to Dick, who has been one of our many wonderful cheerleaders this year. We ended up doing a gift exchange, with neither party expecting to receive something in return! The beautiful bowl he made me is sitting right in front of me on my desk, fitting nicely with the collection of other things I hold dearest.

UAS classes also finished last week, and my final class meeting with the other MAT students was wrapped up with kind words and touching videos (check out the amazing one Scott, my professor, made about our class! I am mentioned at 4:08). It’s neat to think about the journey we all went through together. Even though I haven’t met most of my colleagues in person, we all bonded over the fears and joys of being pre-service teachers. I loved that online community!

Sophia, Heidi, and I had a little photoshoot in front of this
exciting poster on campus the other day! 

With finals happening this week, I am now just one assignment away (my Teacher Work Sample, which I can finish as soon as my jazz unit finishes this week!) from finishing my semester! Sophia and I met together last Monday and cranked out our research project, which studied non-cognitive traits in our JAMM students. We worked really hard on our project and feel very proud of it! It was also very touching to record all the quotes we collected from our students to find out their views on growth mindset, belonging, and self-efficacy. When asked what they liked about playing music with others, my older JAMM students said things like, “Playing with others pushes me to play better because I receive feedback from my peers”, “The music sounds better with all the parts together”, and “We are all working toward a common goal: to make music”. Such wisdom and joy! These kids embody the success of El Sistema. It has been proven through research that making music with others develops essential social and intellectual skills in adolescents. And I have the honor of seeing it happen before my very eyes every day. #STEAMAdvocate #MusicEducationisWhereItisAt

Me and my cello student, Finn!
He played so well today!

Although some things are ending, it feels as if others are just beginning! Many, many performances will come and go in this next month. There were two fun ones this past week: a JAMM barn dance fundraiser, where JAMM violinists and violists from all three schools came together and played folk music. A fantastic local band (which Sophia was in!) also provided music for parents to dance before and after the JAMM student performance. It was awesome! And how neat to see all three schools come together. The kids did a great job! Speaking of kids doing a great job, one of my high school private students performed the Prelude to Bach’s Suite No. 1 at our annual studio recital today! He closed the recital of 26 students from around Juneau, and he did an incredible job. It’s been so fun to come alongside my students and watch them grow as musicians. It’s also so weird to be on the other end- I was a student for so long, and now it’s my turn to pass it on (although I wouldn’t mind being a student once again someday :)). It’s an amazing feeling.

On top of the everyday things, there are plenty of big, future-related things that are constantly on my mind. I checked out a great church last night that really filled me up spiritually and let me relax and “just be”. With so much going on and 100 emails sitting in my inbox, it is incredibly hard for me to be in the moment. For pete’s sake, I just registered for my five summer classes and ordered the books for them, even though four of them don’t start until June! My mind is constantly running at 60mph. Because of that, I decided to take myself on a long hike this morning. It’s funny because this past week, there were two days that were the prettiest I had ever seen in Juneau. But when the weekend came and I actually had time to be outside, it was, of course, pouring rain. Oh well. I was dressed properly for the weather and thoroughly enjoyed my 8-mile hike from my house through Perseverance Trail, via the Flume Trail. I got all the way up to a basin called Silverbow Basin and basked in its wet beauty before turning around. No one was around (including no bears, sadly! I have yet to see one!!!), so I prayed out loud, sang, or just plain talked to myself. I really never knew I could keep myself so entertained until I went on so many solitary hikes this year! I found it hard even then, surrounded by nature and away from cell service, to slow down and take in the moment. I have to intensely train my mind and body to stop for a moment. I took hold of a few still moments, as I was standing in the pouring rain, eating my trail mix and listening to the ten different kinds of birds singing around me, and it was glorious. Times like those make me never want to leave Juneau.

As final concerts happen (like the giant cello ensemble concert this Saturday and my final Thunder Mountain orchestra concert, which Sophia and I are completely in charge of), I daily face the questions I am also daily asked (and guesses as to what it is? Anyone who is graduating from a program knows exactly what it is). That is why I have to take even more moments to still myself. Similar to my path I hiked this morning, I have no idea what is around the corner. But if I keep walking up the winding path where the mountains meet, stopping to take a breath of fresh air along the way, the view will become clear before I know it.

Trails of Water

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

-C.S. Lewis

A raven, flying over the Gastineau Channel.

I was talking to one of my six cello students (yay Juneau- thank you for bringing me students!!) the other day as we were packing up our instruments after her lesson, and she was telling me all about her job training and how busy life gets (she’s an adult, and I am greatly enjoying working with my students, who now range from age 8 to 50+). While talking about maintaining a consistent schedule, she named one of the biggest obstacles I have faced and often overcome this year: leading a balanced life. She couldn’t have known how much her statement, “It’s just really important to set boundaries and keep things balanced in your life”, meant to me. And I feel like since the beginning of the new year, I have developed a much healthier outlook on my needs and have been able to keep them fulfilled most of the time. And it just makes for a happier, more stable teacher! So although it is Sunday evening and I feel like there are potentially hours of work to do tonight, I am taking the time to write out my thoughts about the last incredible week I had...and then I’ll see how I feel about doing work. ;)

MusicFest was one of my highlights of the year in so many ways. First of all, taking the ferry was a whole new experience for me, and I loved it! It reminded me of the train with its open, spacious areas. It was obviously even more open and spacious, which was nice- especially since we were crammed in the ferry with our 160 students, PLUS students from at least 4 other schools in Southeast Alaska! Picture large, carpeted rooms lined with chairs facing the windows overlooking the ocean. Then, picture sleeping bags and high schoolers sprinkled all over the floor- in between the chairs, all over the aisles, in the middle of the room. Oh, and don’t forget the two completely overloaded powerstrips students who have obviously done this before brought. Fire hazard much? But yeah, that was pretty much it.

Aboard the Malaspina!

I enjoyed the ride because the ferry was so smooth and quiet, and there were beautiful sights. What wasn’t as thrilling was trying to get over my sickness on that 36-hour ride. Did I succeed? No. Just hours after I wrote my last post, I was casually blowing my nose, as one does when one is sick, and all of a sudden, the world became a lot quieter (too graphic with the nose-blowing scene?! Oh well!). So for the next two days I could hear almost nothing out of my right ear. That got really frustrating, really quickly because it took so much effort to focus on each person to hear them, and it was just not working in the packed ferry. The plus side is, it did help me sleep better the second night when a bunch of the students in our large room decided to keep talking loudly into all hours of the night, even after Sophia and I pulled the “chaperone card” and asked them to be quiet. After that remained ineffective, you know what I did? I snuggled into my sleeping bag in between two rows of chairs, laid my head on my pillow, and promptly turned onto my left side so that I could milk my half-deafness for all it was worth. The ignorant, muffled bliss was glorious. Being a chaperone for a high school trip was a new experience for me, and I really wish I hadn’t been sick for it because it took a lot of energy out of me, and I didn’t feel like I was very good at it! But I helped keep the kids safe, and we all got there in one piece, so it’s okay if I couldn’t hear every little thing they said or I couldn’t get them all to be quiet at exactly 11pm!

I had some great bonding moments with students on the ferry and throughout the week, though, and that were some of my favorite times. I love talking to my students and getting to know them better! And my orchestra students are so respectful and kind. It’s wonderful. :) One of our students ran to find me and Sophia late on that second night (before our supposed 11pm “quiet time” curfew), excitedly exclaiming that the Northern Lights were out! You’d better BELIEVE I booked it out of my seat and ran outside! And there they were. A phenomenon that many people only dream of seeing was spread across the sky in green ribbons. Seeing these magical streaks nestled in the clouds that hung low above the dark water was an unforgettable moment.

The view of the ferry when we first boarded it at 2:30 am on Tuesday...!

We arrived in Ketchikan the next afternoon, and it was miraculously sunny! It actually continued to be for the next 43 hours that Lindsay, Sophia, and I were there. Ketchikan is a beautiful place. It’s smaller than Juneau and much rainier, as it is farther south, so it was really amazing that it didn’t rain the days I was there. We all arrived at the local high school to find that the students had welcomed all of the other Southeast Alaska schools with posters using our school colors, and we were directed to the gym to our “school stations”. After announcements were made and instruments were unloaded from the U-Haul we took on the ferry with us, the kids (and chaperones!) were set free to explore the town before our lovely spaghetti welcome dinner. Our wonderful new chaperone friend/Thunder Mountain colleague, Phil, drove us around town, and we stopped by the grocery store to pick up some snacks. I walked down the aisle, looking for something caffeinated, only to see some of our high school band students hugging a large pile of tea and taking Snapchat photos of themselves with said pile. One of them gleefully said, “Things are so much cheaper here!!”. It’s the little things. :)

Me, conducting the Thunder Mountain Intermediate Orchestra
in our performance at MusicFest!

After we all ate dinner, my orchestra and I went to the band room to run through our four pieces we would perform the next morning in the Library, bright and early. Let me say that running through a program just hours after being on a ferry for a day and a half while also being sick is not a good plan. I started off the rehearsal by conducting the first piece in the wrong meter...twice...and after I looked up to see my students’ faces displaying severe looks of confusion, I realized what I was doing. I just got more nervous and hot from there, and all of a sudden I was dehydrated and beet red, and everything was blurry. And HOT. How did it get so hot in there?! We somehow made it through, but both I and my students seemed stressed, and we all pretty much felt like musical failures- haha! We all laughed about it afterwards, agreeing the rehearsal was for the best. But we also accepted that all of us just stunk. It’s okay, because our performance the next day ROCKED! A good night’s sleep does a lot! But seriously, it couldn’t have gone smoother. I am incredibly proud of my students. We were a true team, and I couldn’t stop smiling when I was in front of them. Our adjudicator was pleased with our sound and energy and had some helpful tips for us; we all greatly appreciated that feedback.

It was not only special to work with my adjudicator, an esteemed music educator in the teaching world, to get her feedback, but also for more personal reasons. Before our performance, I read her biography in the festival program and noticed that she taught in Wooster, Ohio, where some of my family members have lived and gone to school. I mentioned the woman’s name to my parents, and it turns out she is a good friend of my dad’s side of the family because she taught my uncle when he was studying to be a band teacher in college. It was really important for me to make that connection with her because my uncle passed away when I was 4, and I have no memories involving him except a few overheard conversations about how funny, kind, and caring he was, and a couple photographs. I was able to spend a meal talking with my adjudicator about my uncle, learning about how funny, calm, sure, and respectable he was. That meant a great deal to me. I know that he was a fantastic teacher who really invested in his students, which I have come to decide is the most important thing a teacher must do. It feels like an honor to be following in his footsteps and meet this woman who met my uncle when he was just about my age, when he was also beginning his exciting journey of teaching music to kids.

Me and my cello/bass clinic students! They ended up all being
our Juneau kids from the two high schools: TMHS and JDHS,
and they all happened to be friends..they were a lot chattier
than I expected!! Haha!

After teaching a clinic on lower strings technique and another on performance anxiety and stage presence, I soaked in the glorious moments of watching Sophia conduct her two ensembles: the advanced string orchestra from Thunder Mountain and the wind ensemble. Not only was it impressive because the wind ensemble was the strongest group of the night, but also...Sophia had zero wind ensemble experience before this year! I jumped into teaching Spanish to get more teaching hours, and she chose band. It’s pretty cool to see how we have grown by taking those risks. Lindsay, Sophia, and I returned to our Super 8 motel room afterwards and celebrated a great day with McDonald’s milkshakes and long conversations about how we have conquered so many battles this year and where the fight of life will take us next. They “conveniently” (haha just kidding!) drifted off to sleep as I talked myself into a voiceless oblivion (oh yeah- I started losing my voice that morning). At that point, I just received responses of grunts, so I decided it was time for me to turn off my Energizer Bunny brain and go to bed as well. It’s pretty entertaining how much energy I have when I am around people I care about.

I woke up to discover my voice had progressed into “toad mode” (i.e. I sound like a toad when I talk; especially when I laugh! Don’t even ask me to sing...) and also noticed that the rain was starting to sprinkle the land just as we prepared to leave it and return to Juneau. Phil kindly dropped us off at the ferry terminal, where we boarded the tiny ferry that took us to the airport on the island on the other side of the water. Our plane did the “milk run” trip, which involved stopping in the cities of Wrangell and Petersburg before Juneau. We just sat on the plane for a little bit each time we stopped. I liked it because now I can say I’ve been to more places! We also stopped in Sitka and those two cities on the way down, so there you go! I’ve “been” to a lot of different cities in Alaska now. :P

The three of us flew home early from MusicFest to be there for the final rehearsals for our Juneau Symphony concerts this weekend. We performed gorgeous, haunting repertoire, including Elgar’s Nimrod from Enigma Variations and Vaughan Williams’ Dona Nobis Pacem. It was a program of beautiful, glorious music. I can’t even express what it means to me to be part of a group of people who work together to make something truly stunning and moving. Playing in an orchestra is definitely part of who I am; without it, I feel hollow and dim.

The concerts are over, but the playing is not- thank goodness! We have our giant cello ensemble concert that will showcase the Symphony cellists and over 50 JAMM and high school cellists in Juneau in a couple weeks (April 30th at 2pm at Egan, for my Juneau friends!). I also have some gigs (including some lovely weddings- my favorite gigs to play!) coming up.

I also have a feeling I should be feeling really stressed about my final UAS class assignments, and yet I know it will all get done. Sophia and I spent a few hours on the ferry working on our classroom research assignment, which is shaping up to be an interesting project, as we attempt to quantitatively measure the character strengths of growth mindset, belonging, and self-efficacy in our JAMM students. We are furthering the El Sistema movement by using a national El Sistema survey and providing the survey authors with our results- all while creating a stellar class project. Besides that, I have to complete my teacher work sample, which outlines the details of how my unit plan went (which is still going on this week and next! So I can’t finish it until it has actually “went”). Those are the two assignments standing between me and graduation. Oh, and four summer classes haha. But I will graduate FIRST and cross that summer school bridge when I get to it!!

I don’t know how this happened, but I feel more grounded these days- in who I am, and in what I want and need. To me, being grounded doesn’t mean finally knowing who I am or what I want; it is actually the embrace of the never fully knowing. Granted, these are “life lessons” from a 22 year-old. Let’s see how I feel a decade or four from now! No matter what, I am content in the chaos of the unknowns, knowing that God is good, and He has a plan.