The past two days, I have had the kinds of dreams that haunt me when I wake up. I can tell my brain is working hard to process what has happened.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was 3 months pregnant with a little boy. I went in to deliver him, thinking in my dream state that all would be fine. As I prepare to push, excited to meet him and hold him, all of a sudden I realize that he’s too young and it’s too soon; the reality of what is about to happen and what this will mean suddenly sinks in.
In my dream last night, I was blissfully pregnant with Maggie again, thinking all was well and as it should be. Until a feeling of dread came upon me as I realized that was not the case.
Dreams are difficult. I wish at least, when I am asleep, I could escape.
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I had a beautiful conversation with a dear, new friend last night. She and I spent hours recounting all that God has done in our lives, sharing our testimonies with each other, especially in light of our recent loss. It was so, so good for my soul to hear her story- to hear how she encountered God’s love and provision of strength and joy throughout the different circumstances and tragedies in her life; it was an incredible encouragement to me.
She and I settled on a two things we have learned so far in our faith journeys:
When we invite God with us in trials, we have felt an underlying sense of peace- even when it made no sense to anyone, let alone ourselves.
God has clearly opened and closed doors when we have let go of our plans and solely sought His will. And we have both seen in our Type A ways that His plan has always been better than we could have imagined.
Both of these themes have been so present in my experiences the past two weeks. Let me share more:
Inviting God Into My Trials Has Granted Me His Peace, Even When It Hasn’t Made Sense
There have been so many moments in this loss that I have felt a deep peace- no panic- just peace.
I think of not being able to find Maggie’s heartbeat on our at-home doppler the night before we went into the ER. I wasn’t fully grasping what was happening, but I knew there was nothing to fear. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I didn’t even question that feeling.
I think of sitting in the ER, waiting an hour and a half to hear that our daughter is gone. Due to miscommunications and shift changes, we waited 3 times longer than we were told to expect to hear the news. But we saw the flat line on the ultrasound, our daughter’s body laying still when she was super wiggly and active days before. We knew, but we weren’t agonizing over not officially “knowing”- God’s supernatural peace.
I think of the peace I felt, even when I was sobbing in our bed the night before my induction, JB holding me as I cried harder than I ever had before, cramps reminding me of this deep loss. Even in that, I knew He was with me.
I think of the peace I felt holding JB’s hand during delivery when the doctor told us we may need to move to a c-section to remove the rest of the placenta. We both prayed desperately for that to not be the case, and God was gracious in answering our prayers. Even through the pain of our doctor working to recover the placenta, I felt nothing but relief and joy that God answered our prayer and I wouldn’t need surgery after all we had already been through.
I think of all the moments since then that even in this darkness, God has blessed me with sweetness and comfort and light.
But it’s funny how the Devil works- occasionally this nature of thinking will flash across my mind, “Oh, you’re just in shock.” or “You are simply in denial.” But it’s not true. Believers can have peace in the pain. The Bible tells us this:
“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7
It really is true. I don’t fully understand it, and I’m not meant to. But this peace is what is sustaining me and equipping me through the trial.
God Is Opening Doors To Guide Me in His Plan
My friend and I discussed the classic quest many of us humans embark on: seeking God’s will for our lives.
I certainly don’t have all the answers to that Big Question, but I have felt God’s guidance over the years through prayer, reading His word, and talking with close mentors when making big decisions.
But what does it look like to see God’s Will right now- in something I didn’t plan or desire? I see Him at work in my life and my heart. His Will is being accomplished.
I see how He is growing my faith, which is something I don’t ever want to take for granted. It is priceless and truly all that matters.
I see how He is growing my relationships.
I see how He is using my words, my sharing, to encourage others.
Rich gifts.
But I also see how He has reminded me that He will supply. He has opened doors and answered so many prayers- prayers I didn’t even know I had. For example:
He didn’t answer our prayers of reviving Maggie or working a miracle in that way, which I know He could have done if He wanted to. And yet, He answered every single prayer in her delivery and with my health. Every specific prayer we had about the length of labor, for gracious nurses, for my OB to be able to be there during delivery, my specific health needs, He answered.
I knew we had a good community around us, but receiving meals for almost an entire month…what a blessing.
While we were in the hospital, we had to make so many decisions and have so many difficult conversations. Part of those conversations and stressors was taking leave from work for both of us, and the financial strain of paying a large hospital bill months before our savings was ready for it.
Once again, God provided. My doctor told me to apply for six weeks off from the district, and my paid leave was granted. I was blown away. JB was out of sick leave and had to take several unpaid days to be home those two weeks, and through the extreme generosity of others- some, dear friends, and others nearly strangers- his leave was covered through donations.
He provided so much more than we could even ask for.
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:19
The amount of ladies who have reached out and said they have been through the same thing has astounded me. It breaks my heart that they have been through this, but I have felt that strong bond of not walking through this alone. I have friends I can shoulder the weight with and reach out to when I am lost in this foreign nature of agony.
The deepening of my close relationships is astounding. To be able to sit on my couch and weep with my loved ones, to show them pictures of our precious daughter and mourn together as they “meet” her…I will never, ever forget those shared moments. Their willingness to step into the grief themselves, even when it is difficult for them, is so sacrificially beautiful. What a pure, godly love.
God has shown me time and time again in my life when the unexpected happens, when I have a big, scary decision to make, He can be trusted and He will guide me and make a way- even when it’s difficult, painful, or terrifying. When I stop trying to control the narrative of my life and release the outcome to Him, it’s all so much better. This part of our story has been no different.
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