Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you totally poured out your guts- all the bad and ugly things you’ve been wrestling with- and you received a response that sent you spiraling? Or that hurt you? That made you feel pathetic? Or maybe empty?
I bet we could all say we’ve had a conversation that was some variation of that. We exposed our soul- the fears, the pain, the weaknesses- and we felt misunderstood or judged or just unsatisfied. When I think back to those conversations with people, I can see that I was earnestly seeking affirmation and wisdom from the source that isn’t meant to fully satisfy.
Goodness, I thought my last post was vulnerable. I guess Jesus is continually going to call me to go to the hard places in my writing because, well, that’s what He calls us to in life so often. I am writing this, not for catharsis or confession, but for anyone who can relate and may also need to hear this.
I wrestle with anxiety. I hate, hate, hate admitting that because I have a deep fear of showing weakness- of showing to anyone that I’m not always in control. And I can fear that my Christian and non-Christian friends alike will change their view of me if they know how much I have to fight the spiraling.
The truth is, there are moments where I can become so afraid that I am one second away from losing my grip on reality as I feel this tug to just sit in my fears all day and night. I will have a random passing negative thought, and then I can’t let go of it. I will guilt myself over and over for having the thought. I try to examine it over and over and figure out the “cause” of it (hello...being in a broken world?!). I tell myself, If I know the cause, then I will feel at peace and can get on with living my imagined “perfect” life- a life where I never sin or struggle, and where I feel nothing but clarity of thinking and positive emotions all day. Forever. Oh wait...that sounds like somewhere I’ve read about...
Phew. That was honestly so scary for me to write. Because I have tried to explain the thought-spiraling to others before, and I have gotten different responses: a sudden, very concerned look on their face. A quick response that makes me feel like I have just been categorized as “that” kind of person in their mind now. Or an offering of a fix- a good therapist, a meditation app, a good supplement to try.
Now, there are so many ways we can fight the battles of our minds on an external level- whether we are struggling with depression, anxiety, discontentment, etc.- that can help. And I will be the first to say that I went to counseling in college, and that decision is one I still celebrate over and over. My sweet Christian counselor filled my mind and heart with so much of Jesus’ Truth and helped me navigate my poor relationship choices and my fears of a future without my dear twin by my side (as she was getting married). So I am not saying external things can’t help, and I am not speaking into anything clinical.
So what am I saying? What is this blog post about? Our innermost thoughts. Our fears, our anxieties, our wrestling. The random ones, the habitual ones. What do we do with those? Because they so often drag me down. A thought flashes through my mind while I am playing with my kids, or while I’m driving to school. Or when I first wake up. Or when I am getting ready for bed. And all of a sudden, my feelings are all surrendering to this random thought. This musing.
“I wonder if I drove off the road right now, what would happen? Would I be okay? Maybe I wouldn’t have to go to work today…” (True story... that was a flash of a thought I had). But instead of just being like, “Hmm that was a weird thought”, and moving on, I can fixate and fixate and wonder what is wrong with me. A second ago, I was perfectly happy and ready for a good day, but now I’m wondering if I have a death wish or don’t love my job.
Can you relate to any of that? Because I will say, not everyone can. My incredible husband, JB- he can’t. Not in the same way. He is my safe person who I can tell absolutely anything to. And he has told me time and time again, we are not our thoughts (or our sins, for that matter). We all have random flashes of thoughts that come and go through our minds; I just tend to hold onto them and analyze...and then overanalyze.
In fact, I do it in many areas of my life. I over-analyze conversations with friends or bosses. I over-analyze what I said or did in my teaching day. I am a deep thinker and feeler, and I have extremely high expectations of myself. Put all that together, and it can lead to some thought struggles.
I just had the most amazing conversation with my dear twin, Rachel. We both just poured our hearts out to one another. She’s the kind of person I can tell all my junk to. I can tell her when I am struggling with one of those irrational fears or thoughts- like when I’m not feeling all rosy while I read with my kids after a long day, and then I’m suddenly worried I don’t love them. I can share anything with her (and JB) and never, ever feel judged or worry that they are going to jump to conclusions and try to “fix me”. I am loved and heard, and then pointed to the Truth. We all need that in our relationships.
But the Truth- THAT is what we need more than anything. Rachel reminded me of so many things Jesus has been whispering to me in His Word when I condemn myself. We all struggle in this world. We are all sinful, and we are all broken. We have broken minds, broken bodies. It comes with the whole being-a-human gig. And instead of beating myself up for that, isolating myself and believing lies, Jesus longs for me to come to Him. Come to His Truth. Come to His words of love and acceptance that are all over the Bible- all over His life.
All over His death.
I can get so obsessed with asking questions. “What is wrong with me? Where did this come from? What would anyone think if they found this out?”. But instead of focusing on the root, on the cause...on how I can “fix myself” so I am all pretty, inside and out, and no one will ever have to worry about me or judge me, Jesus tells me to fix my eyes on Him. On His perfection- not mine.
The truth is, we are all passengers on the struggle bus of life. God put us in these specific bodies with these unique minds and emotions. As I’ve heard said, our souls are forever learning to live in our bodies. This is the body and mind Jesus has given me.
As I fix my eyes on Jesus- on His love and acceptance for me shown through His death on the cross- it’s not about me anymore. That’s the thing with my anxious spiraling...it is so much about me. Me, me, me. “What is wrong with me? How can I fix this?”. And let’s be honest, the world (which I constantly want to follow) consistently promotes focus on the self. Self-love. Self-care. Self-esteem. I applaud all three of those things. But they are not the answer.
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| Our first photo as a family of four, back in June! It makes me smile every time. :) |
Self-love. Knowing my personality, the high moral standards I place on myself, and my sensitivities and self-awareness, I struggle with loving and accepting myself. I see all the junk in my heart, and I don’t feel many positive things. There is a lot of natural self-condemnation. Self-care. I’m pretty good at taking care of myself...until I’ve had a tough day and don’t feel like eating well or sleeping enough. And self-esteem gets all wrapped up in those things as well.
Again, you might read all of that and feel very concerned for me. That’s why it’s so scary for me to share all of this. Because I have shared those things and gotten the concerned looks. But I am very in touch with my emotions and am bearing the depths of my soul to you, and I believe that deep down, everyone feels at least a twinge of each of these things.
So what is the solution when I am spiraling over a thought or an action (for example, “mom guilt” definitely hit hard when we had Emma….side tangent: anxiety became a whole new battle when I became a parent. My kid fell off the bed. Why would I leave them on the bed when I know they just learned how to roll? How could I do that? Did I want them to fall off?? Do I even love them?! ….fun thoughts lol!!)? Well, the battle is in my mind, so let’s start with the mind. I need to get my thoughts out of the depths by lifting them up to Jesus. I need to share them with Jesus- pray in my head, pray out loud, write them down- something. And then I need to go to His Word.
I started making different notes on my phone for different topics. One is for spiraling/fear of the future. One is for relationship dynamics. One is for marriage. I keep adding new topics, and then I gather verses and come back to them when I am in the midst of struggling with something in those areas.
I need to saturate my mind in the Word. A devotional I read on the Bible app this week referred to it as “digging Truth trenches”. I absolutely love that! Here are the steps the author, a pastor, outlines:
Remove the lie and replace it with the Truth. Satan loves to use lies as a weapon, especially lies that come from within our minds...because they feel so believable!
Create new trenches of Truth. Dig deep into those trenches and fill them with Scripture. Pray and sing Truth over yourself.
Reframe your perspective. This is a big one, too, and I know we will never do this perfectly. But my big reframing question for myself: What if my struggle isn’t separate from God? What if it is something He allowed, and He is in? More on that in a moment!
Praise Him for who He is and what He will do through this.
It’s not a step-by-step, easy-peesy process. And I will probably struggle with different anxious thoughts for years to come. But I love having a few key actions in my mind (being the list-lover I am) as I walk through these internal struggles.
So, back to the allowance of struggle. Again, no theologian here. But I do believe that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. And I do believe that He allows suffering to happen in our lives. There is suffering and struggle in every heart and mind. And I believe that He can use all things for His good. He works all things for good for those who love Him. Do we always see it that way? Do we always let Him use all things, even suffering, in that way? Phew, that’s hard to ask. But worth asking. He can use my mental or emotional struggles. The self-condemnation, the anxiety. He is right there with me, holding my hand, hugging me, drawing me closer to Him. Through those struggles, He gives me a deeper thirst for His Word and for Heaven. He gives me a story to share, words to write, listening ears for a friend or a student who feels the same.
I’m coming to realize more and more that my life is not determined by my feelings- my best ones, or my worst ones. It is not determined by my thoughts- my best ones, or my worst ones. Life is not a performance- not for others, and certainly not for the God of the universe who literally knows my every thought and action and still loves me.
So what if I accepted my need for Him, especially in my battle of the mind? Instead of getting frustrated with myself for worrying about my kids’ futures or guilting myself for a random thought, what if I pressed into Jesus and asked Him to show my weary heart once again that I have all the love and acceptance and grace I could ever need? And what if I believed and trusted that I could still minister to others, even when I am working through things? What if I turned what Satan meant for evil and harm into something praise-worthy and glorifying to God?
Jesus can help us turn anything on its head, reframing and reshaping it. An internal struggle becomes an encouraging, relatable word. A stressful drive to work in winter weather becomes an opportunity to feel God’s hand of safety and protection over me. A migraine while I am home alone with my little kids for the night becomes an opportunity to ask for help, and to get to see the love of Jesus through my sweet toddler and her nurturing heart. Those are just a few moments from this past week where I have felt God turning things on their head. Will you let Him do that, and not give Satan the victory?
I’m sort of a mess sometimes. Sometimes, it’s more than sometimes, and I don’t want to admit that. But I think I’m probably not alone in that. So even if you can’t relate very well to this post because your mind and emotions are made in a beautifully-different way- we all still need that Truth, time and time again. We are loved and accepted by the One who literally knows every single thing about us...and He does allow hard things into our lives and minds. That can be extremely hard to face, especially when in the depths. But He is here. That is reality. He is the light in the darkness, the embodiment of hope and grace.
So whatever you are facing today, know you are not alone. You are fully known, and you are accepted. You are held, and you are cherished.
I'll leave you with lyrics from one of Rachel's songs (she's a beautiful singer-songwriter), Truth and Dare:
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