Sunday, January 18, 2026- 9:16AM
One week ago, our lives changed. Those first moments of discovering our Maggie was gone are the hardest for me to remember. It’s not breaking the news to our other children, the delivery, or holding our sweet girl for the first and last time; it’s that moment when we crossed the threshold of knowledge that what we thought just mere hours before- a present rested in and a future envisioned- was no more.
The waves of grief have certainly hit as the shock has worn off. And yet, certain foundations remain- I have not questioned God’s goodness, or even His plan. And I have continued to feel nothing but His love and mercy to us in this time.
No one wants to go through suffering- we don’t tend to seek it out- and yet, the Bible is full of truths about it.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” -Romans 8:18
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:3-5
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” -Psalm 34:19
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
The truth is, as believers, we always have hope. And that gives suffering and loss a sweetness to it that anyone else would think is crazy.
But this time is sacred, and I know it. It is a time where everything else is stripped away- hopes, dreams, expectations, my physical abilities, my ability to rationalize or ignore the reality of being human…and this is a time He does not waste when I come to Him.
Pregnancy has been a time of testing and growth in my faith each time. There was something so frustrating about the constant reminder that I am not in control of the life growing inside of me. My pregnancy with Maggie had those moments as well, but we went into this pregnancy with a very different mindset than we did with our other two, and it changed my whole outlook during my time carrying her.
We had Emma and Ethan 19 months apart. And then we waited nearly 6 years to give this another go. We have desired to have another child for the past 3 years, and we waited for God’s timing; we felt God calling us to try now. And even after it all, I am so glad we listened. This is the first pregnancy where I wasn’t white-knuckled-grasping onto this dream. I came into it with open hands, knowing so many more women this time around who have experienced unexpected and unexplained loss. I knew this would be a leap of faith for our family in so many ways. But we felt God’s leading and prompting the whole way through.
I have a whole note on my phone of verses and truths He shared with us throughout our pregnancy with Maggie, and those verses are anchors as I look back and wonder why we put ourselves through this, or why God led us to take this leap of faith, only for this to happen.
It is such a beautiful reassurance to me that Maggie’s life was not and is not wasted. It is such a grounding knowledge that this was, in fact, part of God’s plan, and that He is still good and loves us.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” -Proverbs 16:3
“There’s a difference between planning and controlling. One invites God in…the other carries the weight alone. When we release the outcome to Him, we discover how capable He is of doing what we cannot. Commit it all to Him.” -Dr. Josh Axe (I do not agree with all aspects of his theology, but I liked this quote).
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I have seen God work through loss and grief. I first encountered that three years ago when my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away after beating cancer. And then when I faced my mom nearly dying before brain surgery a year later. I have worked through grief with my own chronic health condition this year that has led me to cling to Jesus and lean on Him every day for physical provision and wisdom over my “yeses” and my “nos”. And I have already seen Him working in our loss of Maggie.
A gift that has come through these past three years of growth for me is that I do not fear death, pain, or suffering. Of course, like any human, I don’t relish it and I often pray against it. I also have my moments of dreading it and hoping to avoid it. But I have seen God give and take away and have wrestled with my faith in that, coming out the other side with a complete, blessed assurance that no matter the outcome, He is still who He says He is. And I am not afraid when I know His love for me- love that sent Him to the cross- while also knowing that no matter what happens in this life, I will be with Him in Paradise forever.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” -Isaiah 55:8-9
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28
Blessed Assurance
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending, bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
Years ago, I faced the age-old question, “Why do these bad things happen?” and “Where is God in this?” and found Him in His Word and in prayer. And that is how I knew I was ready for this pregnancy and whatever was ahead for us- whether it would take more of a toll on my health (it actually ended up doing the opposite and was such a gift), it would be a difficult pregnancy or transition as a family, or whether it brought pain and grief and loss. I knew through it all, I could trust God and, ultimately, not fear what was ahead.
“Deep, contended joy comes from a place of complete security and confidence in God even in the midst of the trial.” -Chuck Swindoll
Elisabeth Elliott, one of my favorite reads and listens, shared a quote from Benjamin Franklin that I read just days after delivering Maggie:
“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He know, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”
My feelings, my faith, my reality can rest in knowing those are unchanging truths. What a sweet relief to know that no matter what wind and waves come, I can trust that He has me in His loving hands.
I fully believe that no matter what is stripped away, all I need is Him.
Facing some of my biggest fears and finding God ever closer in them has given me the taste of salvation and assurance so many long for and search desperately for, yet is available to all who believe in Him. I don’t fear death, not in the slightest. I pray for that peace and assurance for all who read this.
“I give Him my deaths and He gives me His life. My sorrows, He gives me joy. My losses, He gives me His gains. This is the great principle of the cross.” -Elisabeth Elliot
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JB and I started thinking and dreaming of Heaven so much after his dad died. It led us to read and research so much about it. It has allowed us to be more prepared for the quizzical questions from our kids. It has given us clearer images of what Heaven must be like for Mike, for Maggie, for other loved ones. It gives me such joy. I long to be there so much. My heart leaps when I think of an eternity with the Creator of love, of all good things. I can’t wait for the adventures, the laughter, the unending joy and beauty we will encounter together there. It makes me think of those verses…
“He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, without the possibility that mankind will find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.” -Ecclesiates 3:11
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“But our citizenship is in Heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like HIs glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself.” -Philippians 2:20-21
Charles Spurgeon once said:
“Christian, here is joy for thee; thou hast looked, and thou hast seen the Lamb. Through thy tears thine eyes have seen the Lamb of God taking away thy sins. Rejoice, then. In a little while, when thine eyes shall have been wiped from tears, thou wilt see the same Lamb exalted on his throne. It is the joy of thy heart to hold daily fellowship with Jesus; thou shalt have the same joy to a higher degree in heaven; thou shalt enjoy the constant vision of his presence; thou shalt dwell with him for ever. “I looked, and, lo, a Lamb!” Why, that Lamb is heaven itself; for as good Rutherford says, “Heaven and Christ are the same thing;” to be with Christ is to be in heaven, and to be in heaven is to be with Christ. That prisoner of the Lord very sweetly writes in one of his glowing letters-”O my Lord Jesus Christ, if I could be in heaven without thee, it would be a hell; and if I could be in hell, and have thee still, it would be a heaven to me, for thou art all the heaven I want.” It is true, is it not, Christian? Does not thy soul say so?”
My only desire is to be with Him.
While I wait to be in Heaven, I have a purpose here and now. And I also have so many blessings- like my husband and my kids- to enjoy. What a gift.
I keep marveling at how God gave us Jesus, and then He also gave us the Holy Spirit. As the psalmist says in 139, we cannot flee from His presence, even in the depths. It really struck me the other day as I looked out at our snowy backyard- when I commune with God, I am experiencing just a taste of what Maggie is experiencing right now.
How glorious.
“Faith is to believe what we do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.” -St. Augustine
“While other worldviews lead us to sit in the midst of life’s joys, foreseeing the coming sorrows, Christianity empowers its people to sit in the midst of the world’s sorrows, tasting the coming joy.” - Timothy Keller
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JB and I have been getting more sleep than I would expect right now. At times, we both admit to one another we feel numb as we go about our day. Yet it is in the quiet darkness of the early mornings and the late nights, we allow ourselves the necessary freedom to go to the depths. We grieve together.
JB put it well in one of those moments where I was staring up at our bedroom fan, contemplating how life goes on after this. He observed that we are experiencing a dual grief: the death of a child and her future in our earthly family, and also the loss of a dream.
So many dreams and memories we hoped to make with our little girl…
I continue to have moments throughout my days where a thought, either an encouraging epiphany or a difficult realization, flashes across my mind. I suppose that is the delicate dance of grief as the mind and soul work to untangle the horror of it all.
Akin to what JB shared with me the other night, it hit me today that we are experiencing the tragedy of a rewritten future.
I stare at the calendar with a sense of dread and loss right now. All these moments I had planned for- a gender reveal/announcement on Valentine’s Day, a baby shower, my due date, rocking a baby in the sunshine on our back deck this summer- are now laced with sorrow and incredible heaviness. This path that I had planned out in my mind seems to no longer exist. It vanished as quickly as my little baby bump did.
But then I remembered a text I received from a dear friend who lost a baby years ago. She put it so beautifully: Though the path leads to a different place than I expected, it is still going somewhere, and that path is still full of love.
I thought I knew which direction the path for Margaret, for our family, was going, but the path for our little ones are often ones we cannot comprehend.
Yet I can trust that Maggie’s path led her to a beautiful, perfect place.
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We have had a few of those “well-meaning” strangers say things they shouldn’t, but the thoughtful, caring, tender comfort we have received from everyone else has far outweighed those moments. I need to remind myself of that every time another comment is added to the “Dumb Things to Say to Grieving Parents” List.
JB and I try to laugh our way through life, finding joy even in the pain. Even in these moments where so much emotional damage could be done, JB and I are able to laugh over those comments and bring them up to each other with silly voices when we need some comedic relief.
“Stay positive; you’ll get through this.”
“You have two at home; soak them up and be grateful for them.”
“You can always try again.”
I’ve known for years that people say the darndest things, but I try to not take it personally, for it reveals everything about them and nothing about us. And it’s often not meant to be hurtful, it’s just awkward and hard for people- especially those who have not encountered this depth of pain in their lives yet- to know what to say.
I know we all want to rationalize our humanity at times; try to make it an easier pill to swallow. I’ve even caught myself doing this to myself right now.
But it has hit me the past couple days that this loss is not something I can (or will) slap a bandaid on, find a silver lining for, or numb myself through. I can’t muster up enough “positivity” or determination, or sheer will to get through this.
Truth: I don’t need positivity right now.
Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of what I lost and what we went through. There is no avoiding it.
I hug my kids in their tears as they wrap their minds over what they lost when their sister died.
We all need to feel this, to face it, and to go to the Lord. He is the only healing balm to my soul, my only True Comfort. Any other words ring empty.
Other truth: We may have more kids, we may not. We may go through more tremendous loss and pain in our lives. We may have crushed dreams. We could get all we have ever hoped for. All of it is dust compared to knowing and experiencing Jesus. Health, wealth, happiness…it all comes up empty because Jesus is the only One who can fill the holes in our hearts.
That is what this time provides- a fresh clarity on what matters and on what is lasting. This world cannot ever provide the full satisfaction and hope that an eternity with Jesus will.
All that to say, there is still great pain and loss here. Just because our foundation is in Him doesn’t mean we don’t feel the agony of this. We hoped for and longed for another child, to grow our family. We watched our baby girl develop and grow inside of me. I felt her kicks and saw her pictures. This is a great loss for us. And while we have two precious kids in our home, that does not change that we have lost a member of our family.
The “at least you have other kids at home” has always been an interesting rationale. It suddenly turns family planning and structure into a game; it cheapens the life of our little Maggie.
You see, it reminds me of the board game of Life. My sisters and I loved playing that game growing up- I mostly did because I am terrible at strategy games…ask JB.
Our goal in the game was always to get married first and then cram as many pink and blue kids in our little plastic cars as we could. How many of us didn’t have that dream in real life, me included?
But what that well-meaning person doesn’t understand is that every life- whether just conceived seconds ago, or delivered and breathing- has eternal value and purpose. They are not just little trinkets you can replace.
When that child dies, there is a hole forever in that family, a loss felt by people and certainly by our Heavenly Father.
There is an empty place in my and JB’s heart that we created for Maggie to fill. We prayed for this child and pondered her for years and let that dream fill our hearts and minds. Even if we had more, or adopted a puppy on a “grief whim” (can that be a thing?), quit our jobs and traveled the world, or bought every single thing we ever wanted…nothing will change that loss. We have two daughters and a son, and it’s okay for strangers and loved ones alike to simply say, “I am so sorry” and leave it there.
I am so thankful for God’s reminders that He made us each uniquely, that He loves us and cares for us more than the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. I know He is smiling as He holds my dear Maggie’s hand, all the while crying as He holds me tight in His arms.
Thank You, Lord, that nothing is wasted.
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