The Second Wave

Friday, January 16, 2026- 6:40AM

My eyes are so dry. I didn’t know I could cry so much. My body is sore and weak from all it has gone through this week, and I welcome the physical reminder of the pain because it encourages me to slow down and take care of myself- even when I don’t want to.

The mindset of pregnancy is hard to shake. I am trying to remind myself I can eat the blue cheese now, the uncooked deli meat. It’s painful to take my prenatal, but I know the nutrients are good for my healing body.

I walk around my house, thinking of the joy I felt just a week ago, knowing Maggie was with me wherever I went. I would drive in the car with Emma and Ethan and think, “I have all three of my kids with me; what else could I need or want?”. 

The shock and whirlwind of what has happened in the past 5 days is wearing off, and grief lays on me so heavy at times I don’t know what to do with myself. But the tears flow and eventually dry up, leaving me feeling numb at times and a bit more at peace in others.

I am thankful for the waves that ebb and flow, giving me a reprieve before they crash to shore once more.

I am blown away by the comfort and power of God’s Word and of His people. Watching tv is a nice distraction; sleep is a wonderful respite until I wake up and remember all over again. Snacks and fuzzy blankets are a comfort. But the only time I feel deeply soothed, swept up in an emotion even stronger than grief, is when I read the scriptures and prayers loved ones have sent me. It is quite literally holding me up at times. I look around and see all that has changed. I feel lost at sea. And then I am able to look up and see Jesus’ face in the storm.  I am thankful.

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I wish my body already knew I lost my child. My milk coming in has been an incredibly painful reminder of what I have lost. I grieve it but also thank God I have been able to sustain the life of my other two children in the beautiful bond of nursing in the past. 

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It has started to sink in that we lost our second daughter. It is hitting me that we have three kids, yet one is in Heaven.

I didn’t realize how much room I had already made in my heart for Maggie. Aside from the logistical planning of car seats and nursery, I was ready for my lap to add another little one in it. I was prepared and excited for the chaos and sweetness, for the sacrifice and joys ahead.

Meeting her in that delivery room was so important; I feel like I got to know her better. Her big eyes looked like little moons when they were closed, just like her big sister’s. Her lips, full and so feminine. Her tiny fingers and toes so delicate and yet perfectly, beautifully formed. She fit in the palm of our hands.

Psalm 139: 13-14:
“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”