From the song, “I Will Carry You” by Selah:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I have had trouble feeling consoled lately. Desperate sadness and grief has covered me like a cloak as I slog through the rainy, cold days and approach the end of many things. Do you hear me, Lord? Are You near?
As I grieve and hurt, the only comfort I find is in Heaven. Maggie in Jesus’ arms.
From Seasons of Sorrow- a prayer of Thanksgiving to God the author offered up over his son:
“Thank you that though he is not in my home, he is in yours. Thank you that though he is absent from his body, he is present with the Lord. Thank you for the assurance you’ve given that you didn’t first take him from me, but first took him for yourself. Thank you for the certainty I have that his arrival in your presence was a gain far greater than the loss of his departure from my own.”
My heart remains weighed down and full of sadness, and that’s okay.
Is Everyone Pregnant?!
Spring is here- well, it was for about two days… Now it’s just rainy and dreary. But as Spring approaches, I am reminded of the turning of the seasons. And of who is not here with me.
I miss Maggie so much. I grieve the death of the dream of life with her. All the images I held dear in my mind of a growing belly, tired feet, and a wiggly baby keeping me up at night feel so far removed from me now.
And yet I see the growing life around me and wonder, “Why me?”. I try not to dwell there, or it will consume me. But it’s hard to not wonder as I see all the growing bumps and alien-eyed newborns.
This is why Paul encourages us to guard our minds. It is out of God’s great love for us that He encourages us to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). He knows that if left to my own defenses, I will spiral into an abyss I can’t climb out of.
I am not sure I am handling the delicate dance of pushing myself and protecting myself, but I find myself more and more emotional as I approach Maggie’s due date. Each mention of a baby, each invitation brings pain and loss.
I have had my steady days and then days of feeling so desperately sad, eager to shed off some of this heaviness and feel some relief.
But I also long to celebrate the life and growing lives around me. To not resent that my path is different from others’.
I don’t want this path for anyone.
Such a battle of the mind and the ultimate lesson in contentment. To allow myself to feel my pain but also lift my eyes up to the Heavens and say, “Thy will be done”, knowing He wipes my tears and holds my days. That God lost His own son. That Jesus endured every kind of suffering and weeps with me.
Help me to trust You, Father, when it hurts. When I cry out with ‘“why”, catch my tears. And please comfort me.
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