Reflections

Wednesday, April 22, 2026: 8:12PM

The Braid
Someone who experienced the loss of the child once said that there is a braid that becomes part of the fabric of one’s life when they lose a child. It is the braid of celebration/joy and grief. Every significant event and mundane moment will have both.

Birthdays, Christmas, future family memories. It will be a union of loss and love. Of joy and heartache. Of being grateful for what I have and mourning what I don’t. And that began the moment I held my daughter in my hands.

The braid imagery has been woven into so many moments lately as the waves of grief have tossed me to and fro and as moments of joy and celebration have come to our lives.

Twisted Timelines
I stood at the vendor booth of crocheted items, realizing I stumbled upon a booth of baby items- bibs, blankets, and comforting stuffed animals.

It was too hard to register at first until a very pregnant woman came up next to me and said, “Oh, these will be perfect! I will need these soon.”

I thought I would, too.

But you’re pregnant again, Ruth. Shouldn’t you feel differently now?

Let’s speak truth into this. Yes, I am relieved I can get pregnant again. I am grateful. That is not the case for many women, and that is heartbreaking.

But of course, this pregnancy does not cover all the loss and grief of the last. This baby doesn’t replace my Maggie. Saying it aloud to myself feels obvious, but it is crazy what a mind untamed can jump to.

Spiritual Stretching
I have discovered while in the depths of immense grief and deep hope, I have still wrestled with my sinful nature. It surprises me at times…oh right! I’m still in constant need of Jesus’ refining Word and growth. I have felt frustrated that I still have to “deal” with longing for the simple comforts of life.

To go through the entire miserable first trimester with Maggie, only for her to die…that grieved me. And to go through it once again now in such a short time…on one hand, I am grateful. But honestly, in my moments of grumpiness, I have felt bitter about it. And I once again, turn it over to God and ask Him to create in me a clean heart. To cling to Him in the discomfort.

This entire pregnancy is a very stretching time of daring to trust God. To cling to His character. To the truth of Jesus on the cross. Not on the what ifs or the fears.

And it can bother me that I need to fight daily. I’ve been through enough, Lord. Why do I need to be refined or grow in this? Why can’t I just be left to my panic-stricken, bitter state all the time?

It can feel tempting.

But it doesn’t actually sound like the kind of daily life I want to experience. It’s certainly not the wife, mom, or friend I would aspire to be. And there is a reason God speaks to this in Scripture. He is a good, loving Father who longs for me to trust Him, seek Him, and lay it before Him. He wants me to walk in His light, even when threatened by the darkness.

Matthew 6:26-27:
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

Matthew 7:9-11:
"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"