Wednesday, June 10, 2026: 9:40AM
Linking Objects and Searching and Yearning
I am so grateful to have my counselor as I walk through this path of loss after loss. I met with her a couple days after my D&C and expressed what has felt like an uncontrollable longing at times to hold my girls. To remember them. I told her how I set my mind to researching and buying objects that would help me think of them and honor them, feeling like I was going crazy as I customized and pondered. She told me this is a very normal, healthy part of grief. When we lose someone we love, we search and yearn for them. It is natural and beautiful, and it’s okay to lean into that. And one way we remember them and feel close to them as we yearn for them is to establish linking objects- objects and items that allow us to feel close to them, that encourage us to pause and remember them.
One linking object that has been so beautiful for me is our new windchimes. I ordered them the day I came home from my D&C, customizing them with Margaret Elisabeth and Lucy Kay’s names on it. The night we hung them on our front porch, I sat by the sun-filled window for hours, reading a book and listening to the beautiful, bright tones of E Major wash over me as I thought of my girls in Heaven. It has been such a comfort to me and something I listen for every day.
And God has also blessed me with what a friend of mine has called “God Smiles” that have become other objects or memories I associate with my girls and with His presence.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I have received a text when I am feeling especially low and alone. Just a simple, “Thinking of you,” or “Praying for you” at a time when I really needed it.
Another incredible thing? The day I posted my last blog post, publicly sharing about our second loss and commemorating my girls with a butterfly and wildflower design, I saw a yellow monarch butterfly in our backyard. I have seen a butterfly every single day from our back deck since then. Thank You, Lord, for Your graciousness.
Grief and Mourning, Understanding the Grief-Stricken Mind
Some other truths my counselor has shared that have helped me recently is that grief and mourning are two different things. Grief is the internal expression, and mourning is the external. Many people stay in grief but never mourn. Mourning is how we heal our grief.
A key part of mourning is being compassionate toward oneself- to not place the same expectations on myself that I would before this happened. My counselor shared from a mentor of hers:
“Many of us are hard on ourselves when we are in mourning. We
often have inappropriate expectations of how ‘well’ we should be
doing with our grief. We are told to ‘carry on,’ ‘keep your chin up,’
and ‘keep busy.’ Actually, when we are in grief we need to slow
down, turn inward, embrace our feelings of loss, and seek and
accept support.” (Alan D. Wolfelt)
As I have waded through the thick of my jumbled thoughts and fears with my counselor, she has helped me see some of the psychological pitfalls of my mind. One of the big lies I struggle with, especially after two miscarriages, is that this is my fault- my body’s failing of my girls. And while that is a tragic, destructive lie, my therapist also encouraged me that it’s a natural response we have because the thought is, if I caused it, I can prevent it in the future.
The marriage of psychology and faith is so important here. I cannot control the future or the outcomes. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I also can’t suppress my grief, thinking that’s what God asks of me.
Other Things that Have Helped Me
1. Writing.
2. Talking about Maggie and Lucy. Saying their names.
3. Sitting on my back deck with a puppy in my lap.
4. Putting away clothes that are reminders or just don’t fit right.
5. Buying new clothes that I feel good in and bring me joy.
6. Hugging Emma and Ethan. Making them laugh and soaking up their giggles.
7. Watching funny tv shows or heartfelt movies.
8. Getting massages and allowing my body to experience positive things.
9. Taking a break from social media. It just feeds on my broken heart.
10. Listening to a playlist of songs when I feel sad and need a good cry.
11. Communicating with my husband when I feel down and need a hug.
12. Going to church and crying through worship.
13. Sharing specific needs I might have before social situations, even when I feel silly.
14. Letting people love on me with meals, gifts, and childcare help.
15. Exercising when I feel like it, and napping when I don’t. Usually I need one of the two every day right now.
There is no perfect formula, but I have learned to be kind to myself, give myself grace, and listen to what my heart and body need. Sometimes, it’s chocolate. Sometimes, it’s silence and solitude. And other times, I have absolutely no idea what I need, and that’s okay. Sometimes the days feel almost normal, and other days they drag out into an endless pool of sorrow. But as others remind me, this won’t last forever- even if it’s not until Heaven, it won’t.
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