My dear Margaret,
Today is your due date. My arms ache.
My heart is torn apart thinking about how badly I wish things were different.
But it is only for my sake.
I had a dream about you while I was pregnant; now I know it was a glimpse into your heavenly future. You were running in a field, laughing and full of life. God brought that dream to my mind right after you were born, and I was washed over with an overwhelming feeling of love and grief knowing I had been given a glimpse of you in your eternal glory.
I miss your delicate fingers, your lovely lips. Your sleeping eyes looked like your big sister’s, and that was such a comfort to me.
I wonder what kind of temperament you would have had as a baby. I close my eyes and imagine your big brother and sister fawning over you as I remind them to give you space when you’re overstimulated and fussing. I imagine your warm body folded into mine, our hearts beating together in harmony. It comforts me as I think about spreading your ashes today.
I wish I could be holding you in the rocking chair I snuggled with your brother in. I wish I could be putting those big bow headbands on your head while you’re little enough that you don’t notice them and rip them off in protest as your older sister did.
We had a floral nursery planned out- one that would have been lovely and gentle, peaceful peach colorings and wildflower gardens surrounding you as you slept. And yet I wonder if you’re dancing in fields of flowers now?
Mommy misses you every minute.
I love you, sweet Maggie.
A hymn from Isaac Watts, based on 1 Corinthians 15:55-57:
O for an overcoming faith,
To cheer my dying hours,
To triumph o’er the monster, Death,
And all his frightful powers.
Joyful with all the strength I have
My quivering lips should sing,
“Where is thy boasted victory, Grave?
And where’s the monster’s sting?”
If sin be pardoned, I’m secure;
Death has no sting beside;
The law gives sin its damning power,
But Christ, my ransom, died.
Now to the God of victory
Immortal thanks be paid,
Who makes us conquerors, though we die,
Through Christ our living Head.
Margaret means “pearl” and “child of light”. In the Bible, pearls represent purity, the kingdom of Heaven, discernment, and inner beauty.
Oh, my Maggie, you brought so much light to our lives. From the moment we saw the positive pregnancy test to our last kiss goodbye, you brought a beauty that will stay with me and your Daddy forever.
You are precious to us. We love you.
Revelation 21: 3-7:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s
dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with
them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them
and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There
will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old
order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything
new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are
trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the
Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without
cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are
victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they
will be my children.
Emma and Ethan would have been wonderful siblings to have on this Earth. They grieve you, too. What a glorious eternity we will spend in Heaven together. We all love you, sweet girl.
From Volume II of Every Moment Holy:
O Christ, be merciful, for we are frail.
And in our frailty we have suffered such loss.
Indeed, this future hope will not end
the pain we feel today. It does not negate
the emptiness of the womb where new life
stirred. It does not fill the empty cradle.
But it does declare that the empty cradle
and the empty womb will not have power
to grieve us forever, for one day our eternal
joys will flow backward in time, even to this
broken place. And then those joys will fill every
emptiness and every heartbreak the children
of God have ever endured.
Now, O Lord,
we remember your past faithfulness.
We receive your present comforts.
We await your future redemptions.
For yours, O Father,
is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glorious redemption
of all our losses.
Even of this one.
Amen.
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